Tag Archives: large family chaos
Whispers of Sweet Nothings
Oh, Wait, There is More
Flinging the Chunks
Resorting to Vacuuming the Chunks
Taking Time for myself is so hard. Self-care is hard but then I realized, no one takes care of the caregiver. Since no one takes care of me, I have to take care of myself.
Since I don’t take care of myself, my husband steps in and helps. He has arranged for a long weekend getaway for us. My job is to do nothing but enjoy it.
However, do you know how hard it is to relax? I say this because I have one medically fragile child and two other children with special needs? This, of course, does not take into account the other children and animals in my house.
My Big Kids
My oldest daughter, son-in-law, and my second oldest daughter are in charge. I arranged suppers, gave strict instructions to my children, and we headed out.
After our call home tonight, I knew Hunter was not behaving. He does not do well without me there. He is mouthy, emotional, refuses things, and throws tantrums. Why? Because he can.
He knows we are gone, therefore, he does what all 5 year old boys do…he pushes the envelope. I hate that he does not behave. It makes me feel like I am a horrible mom because I took some time for myself.
A Mama Knows
When you are the primary caregiver of a medically fragile child, you forget to breath, at times. I have tremendous guilt for leaving because no one can care for him like I do. Also, I do not play and he does not get away with the crap he is pulling now.
Yes, he has his struggles. His rages are part of his neurological condition. My older children are capable of handling him. He is also 100% manipulative boy who “smells fear.” He plays on that fear and he uses it to the best of his ability.
I needed this weekend. Enjoying my husband, sleeping in, eating food I did not cook, letting it all go. That does not make me an awful mom. I must not let satan play on that feeling.
We have had some deep discussions and made some HUGE life changing decisions. It is freeing to just be in the moment, to solidify things, to say things that needed to be said.
I have to learn how to cope with the condition that my son has. Also, I have to teach him to not play on his condition as he gets older. This condition is not a crutch.
Letting go of anger for a doctor who did not listen to me was a biggie for this weekend. So many things I want to say to him but in the end, what is done is done.
Realizing and forgiving myself for not pushing this doctor to do what I asked him to do in the beginning of this journey.
I yielded to a professional. In yielding, I allowed these chemicals to enter my child’s body because I was told it would help.
I am so angry with myself. As strong as a voice as I am. I freaking yielded. Now, we reap the after effects of my stupidity.
OCD, rages, insomnia, itching himself till he bleeds…all because I yielded. Damnit. I am truly so mad at myself and this doctor.
Diligently, I am trying to let it go. I have to forgive myself, this doctor, and this condition. I will not let satan have my son or my thoughts.
God is bigger. I believe he has healed my son, it just has not been manifested. One day, I will share my thoughts with this doctor. I am certain he will do things differently if someone else shows up with these symptoms. He is a smart man and will learn from his mistake.
I am just sad my son had to be the one that he misdiagnosed. Sad because I did not voice my opinion and was not stronger in what I wanted done.
Sigh…I am so thankful I have older children who can be me for a few days. Who can handle the craziness without letting me know all the stuff. I am thankful for a husband who cares for the caregiver.
For now, I will leave you with the best picture in the history of ever…this picture brings me GREAT joy.
Oh, my word, Becky, it has already been a day and it is only 2 pm. It has rained all weekend, and that is not a bad thing. Well, the flooding part is not great, but the rain was much needed.
I love listening to a gentle rain on our metal roof. The sound makes me want to just stay in bed and snuggle up with a warm cup of chicken broth. Alas, this was not what my day entailed.
We (meaning Hunter and me) had to get going to therapy, this morning. OT, SLP, and PT is about 35 minutes away, so we had to hustle. With the rain, it is hard to hustle because, at some points, I could not see the road.
He did really well, in therapy. I got teary watching him struggle, though. It is hard for me to think that this is the only life he remembers. He does not remember being a healthy, busy toddler. Shaking, compensating for his shaking, that’s what he remembers.
I had to call it a day during PT because he began drooling. Drooling is a sign that he has overdone it and that his body is fixing to shut down. Once the drooling starts, the belching begins and then we are done for the day.
I hate this condition.
Heading home, I decided I would stop and get him lunch. It was already afternoon and he had had a couple of peanut butter power bites, but he was hungry. I stopped by Burger King and prepared to get him a salad (his choice) but at the last minute, he wanted a burger.
He ate the burger and my fries, on the way home. I had forgotten his sippy cup so he could not have his juice. He can’t hold those little packets of juice to his face, squeeze and drink at the same time. That is just too much for him.
How sad is that?
Kids are doing their schoolwork, though one of my children “forgot” that he lied about doing some work, from last week. Now, I grade everything at the end of the week, except the Bible. That, I ask where they got too and they tell me.
This particular child stated that XYZ was done, so when I asked him again today (to make his new schedule), he suddenly realized that he lied to me and now he is backtracking in a big way.
So, he sits, thumbing through his Bible to see where he actually stopped and how big of a lie he decided to tell me.
I can’t even.
Shaving a Cat’s Butt
In the midst of Lie-Gate, I decided that Karole (our cat) needed her butt shaved. She was getting a bit unruly and since she is older than dirt, she smears on her fur. I really just wanted to make a safe exit from point A to get point B on the mat without smearing it from here to high heaven.
Have you ever shaved a cat’s butt? It was not one of my best moments. I have a kid crying because he needs someone to feed him his applesauce, one kid crying because they lied, one rushing through and washing every dish known to man (I have no idea why), and one jumping up and down because they lost 1 lb…then, there is Karole, her butt, fur flying, and a turd smeared.
In the Midst
I received a sad email from my niece, my youngest son’s biological mom. Broke my heart. My heart is heavy for one of my nephews. I am missing my Lady like crazy and her one year anniversary is sneaking up on me. Plus, there is supper to cook, things to put back on my wall, baseboards to paint, a house to clean, and so on.
For now, I will finish shaving the cat’s butt. I am having said child reread what he already “read.” I turned the diffusers on, so my house may be dirty, but it smells good. I will delegate the paint of the baseboards to Alyssa when she gets home. There is an email that I will be sending to my niece and prayers that go up for my nephew.
I will wipe the drool, wipe my tears, love my God and trust that His ways are higher than my ways. There will be no running down the road naked, screaming at the top of my lungs. Not today, Becky, not today.
7 Ways to Know You Need a Self-Care Day
- Planned ignoring of your family and friends happens every 5 minutes
- When you realize you have not brushed your hair in 3 days
- Meltdowns are happening (on your part and not your children’s part) daily
- You find yourself hiding in the bathroom more often than not
- The sound of your children inhaling the oxygen you are breathing bugs you
- Going to get the mail is a vacation
- The sound of a particular child’s voice makes you want to run down the road naked screaming at the top of your lungs
Big Daddy got home early, yesterday. He had to go and do weapons training, therefore, it was a short day for him. On his way home, he called to see if I wanted lunch. I have not been particularly hungry, lately, but I told him to pick me up a salad.
Once home, he found me where I always am…at the dining room table. The table is filled with schedules. There are Bible reading schedules, menu schedules, yearly school schedules, and daily school schedules. I also had an array of Dr. Seuss books and Sandra Boynton books stacked up.
Since school started, the dining room table is where you can find me at any given moment of the day. There are occasions when I hide in the bathroom. I may have been found lying in the fetal position, in the closet, and sometimes I am in the kitchen starting supper.
My days are exhausting, though you wouldn’t be able to tell from the state of my house. See, I have 5 kids at home (one is married and one is in college or working). Two of my kids have some learning issues going on, one rushes through everything and has to redo everything. One particular child has a word and question quota that MUST be reached every day or she will self-implode.
Then There is Hunter
Hunter consumes 99% of my day. Physically, he struggles, so his every move has to be monitored. I was trying to get his medications rolling, he started shaking so badly that he shook backward and landed on my apple head Chihuahua. I thought he killed her. It was bad.
He wants to “do school” so badly, but there are so many times he cannot physically sit still or hold a pencil. So, he wants to play with play-doh, play with sand, read books, play with legos, etc.
While I am grading papers, answering questions, doing my work, fielding phone calls, planning/starting supper, he is glued to my hip. He wants to do all the things, all the time and he cannot do them by himself.
He Knows Me
Thankfully, Big Daddy knows me. He knows when I’ve had my belly full. After our lunch, I asked if he cared if I went to town…alone…and he said: “GO.” He did not have to tell me twice.
Off I went. I didn’t brush my hair, change my clothes, or put on makeup. I just went. Mom and daddy were on my to-do list. I had an overwhelming desire to just go and set with them. I cried and prayed all the way to Paducah.
We Had the Greatest Visit
I got to see K and J (Hunter’s biological brother and sister). I also saw my sister. Shopping is not my favorite thing to do in the history of ever, but that did not stop me. Kohl’s, Michael’s, Hobby Lobby, Old Navy were some of the stores I visited.
At Michael’s, I found some artwork. In Old Navy, I found a dress. They were both on sale. Then, I did something crazy! Dillard’s! Never have I shopped in that store, but today, I stepped out of my comfort zone.
I meandered to the makeup counter and I asked the 12 yr old girl and the 40 yr old woman to help a girl out. There was a brief moment of stating that I want to look natural. My makeup needs to be simple, and I do not want to look like a prostitute.
We had so much fun and yes, I did buy some makeup. She informed me that I didn’t need to keep makeup for more than a year (mine was going on 3 or more cause I just don’t wear it often).
When I got home, from my self-care, afternoon, it got even better. Big Daddy had almost finished painting the living room, papers were graded by him (and Alyssa the next day), and he cooked supper.
He hugged me, told me he loved me, that I looked beautiful and supper would be ready in a bit. That was just the respite I needed to snap out of this funk that has been swirling around in me.
Moral to the story: Find a fella like Big Daddy.
5 Unexpected Ways Starting Over Can Make Your Life Better
These are the 5 unexpected ways starting over can make your life better. After a *rough* start (and finish) to my day, I decided to just begin again. As I sat in my bed, crying, I felt the Lord impress on me. These are some simple things that I (and you) can do that can make my life (and the lives of my children) better.
- Hug your difficult child.
- Give encouragement, even if it is through gritted teeth.
- Pray often.
- Smile more.
- Begin again.
Choose to start over.
A new book. Chapter 1. Page 1.
It is NEVER too late to begin again.
Do NOT feed into the lies of Satan.
You are NEVER “too far gone.”
NEVER too old.
You will not be sorry.
God. Is. Bigger.
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High Steppin’ With Bifocals.
While I was high steppin’ with bifocals on, Big Daddy was behind me giggling like a schoolgirl. About a year ago, I had my eye exam and low and behold…my vision had changed. It was not a drastic change but change nonetheless. Doug (our fabulous eye dr) suggested that I stop struggling and just bite the bullet.
To begin with, bifocals are for old people. However, I’m not that old. Consequently, he enticed me when he gave me a brief moment of what things *could* look like. I was intrigued.
So, I buckled and got them.
Meanwhile, I tried to love them, I really did. The struggle was real, though. As a result of these bifocals, I had to take them off during dinner. In this case, my food looked like they were on the waves of the ocean. Then there was walking…which proved a whole lot of problems.
Consequently, Big Daddy thought it was super funny watching me. However, I didn’t even know he was taping me. I can only imagine what the other customers were thinking when they saw me.
#Loveyourself. Never be any different than who you are.
Always be true to yourself.
Stop putting on a mask for every place/person you go/meet.
You be you.
Let your yes be yes and your no be no.
It took me a long time to be okay with who I am…and to be honest, I still struggle. I have been told for SO long that no one will love me, no one will listen to me, no one will believe in me, no one will take me seriously, I’m too much, I’m too outspoken, I’m too loud, etc.
Now, bear in mind, it was NOT my family telling me this….these lies came from “friends” or people I thought I trusted. My family loves me and has done nothing but edify me and love me.
I am loud, outspoken, and I speak my mind. Quite often, I march to the beat of my own drum. I do not color inside the lines or conform. That is something I never will do. There were times when I tried to cover up those traits up. I tried to play the game. I tried to make friends and be “normal.”
Let me tell ya, it was exhausting and I broke. I mean, I did not just sort of chip a nail, I broke in half. Completely and utterly shattered. In a very dark place…I guess it was the year my granny went to see Jesus. That was the same year I lost 2 children due to the lies of a social worker (must be noted that we had STELLAR social workers after this loss…this particular gem of a human, did not need to be a worker)…I snapped. It was so bad, that when I called the nurse to tell her that I needed an appointment, the dr must have overheard us. He took over phone call because he thought I was suicidal.
I would NEVER do that to my family.
Once he realized that I had the support of my family, he prescribed me some antidepressants to help even me out and get my mind in a better place. The meds did just that. I was able to see a bit clearer and I realized what I was doing to myself.
I did a lot of self-reflection and I examined my friendships, my hobbies, my marriage, my walk with Christ, the foods I thought I liked, I mean every single detail. Sadly, there was a period of time that I did not leave my house. My life consisted of parenting, being a wife, and self-reflection. There was a time when I had to relearn who I am, what I stand for, what I like, what I don’t like, and what I would and would not accept.
Now, there are times I still revert back to that old mindset but then I quickly remember who I am and what I will allow and not allow. I have learned to stand up for myself and believe in myself.
Never forget who you are.
Never forget WHOSE you are.
You are a precious person in Jesus’ sight.
He loves you even when you do not love yourself.
Reevaluate your life.
Keep the good and eject the crap.
Believe in yourself.
Here is my Factory Reset. No, no, no….I’m not talking about my phone or tablet.
I am talking about my life.
Do you ever wish you could close your eyes and then wake up and start all over?
No bad things ever happened to you.
You were not overweight.
You had the innocence and belief of a child but in your adult body.
Everything is fresh and new.
I must say, my depression has lifted a bit, so that is not a struggle for right now.
Everything else is a mess.
It’s kind of like when you throw a load of laundry, in the washer, get it out to throw it in the dryer. When the dryer finishes you open it up, and you wonder “what in the h*ll is all over my dryer and my clothes?!” Upon further inspection, you find the culprit…..make up, a marker, paint, human crap (it can be washed and dried in log form FYI), a red sock with light clothes….you know the story.
That is my life.
A red sock washed with light colored clothes in hot water in a hot dryer and now stained on everything from here to high heaven with no hopes of it *ever* washing off of anything ever again in the history of ever.
Yep. That’s my life. Hence the Factory Reset that is necessary.
A Chat with my Daddy
I was talking to my daddy the other day…we were standing in the barn watching a bird, and I asked him a question.
“Daddy, do you ever just get mad at God because of all that you went through and all that you’re going through?” He never looked at me, but his eyes narrowed as he was focusing in on that bird and he said: “nope, don’t reckon I’ve been mad at Him.”
I said “well, I think I am…..I think I’m angry with God right now….my little boy took a nap ten mths ago and woke up with his life completely changed and I can’t fix it. Yep, I’m mad.” I tried to hide my tears because I would rather eat a horse apple than to cry.
At that time, my eyes were narrowing in on that bird, and I was staring intently at it, trying to wipe my tears discreetly. I felt his eyes looking at me, and he said: “well, how’s that working out for you?” Factory Reset.
My spirit was screaming “IT’S NOT WORKING FOR ME BUT DANGIT I AM PISSED, AND I AM GONNA STAY PISSED UNTIL I’M DONE BEING!” My mouth said, “it isn’t working so well, Daddy, but I don’t know how not to be mad.” The bird moved, at that point, Martha came in with Hunter, and our conversation ended.
An Unexpected Support
That night, I had texted my brother and told him I needed him to talk to another kid for me because of some pretty severe behavior issues. We missed each other in passing, I guess, so we were playing phone tag.
My brother and I have never been close. We don’t talk. I perceived that I was his least favorite person who ever walked the face of the earth, but I’ve been known to be wrong a time or two.
The Lord has seen fit to begin restoring our relationship….a moment at a time. Here was another moment.
He texted me back stating when he would be around. I replied with a vomited version of what had gone on. Then the text went on to say that I don’t know what to do. I feel like a failure as a parent because things are so bad, with this particular child and I’m at a loss.
His one-word reply has had me pondering all day long. “Prayer.”
My brother and I don’t talk about our faith together. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him attend church…maybe when we were younger, and Martha made us 🙂 I have not seen him in a church as an adult though, and I didn’t know where his salvation stood.
My job is to pray for him and for God to do the rest. This statement stopped me in my tracks. Since Thanksgiving of last year, there has been a shift in our relationship and how we communicate with each other. Instead of him, being him, and going off on doctors or just not answering me.
He said “prayer.” Again, Factory Reset
Dinner with Friends
So, two men who have lived (if you know what I mean), point me to the cross. The next day, Bart and I had dinner with our friends Richie and Jenny. We enjoy getting to go out with them or cook at home and have all the kids everywhere. There is lots of laughter at dinner, but we also had some serious conversations.
We are blessed to call them friends, but Richie is also our pastor…I respect him immensely (and sweet Jenny), but to us, they are not “superior” or above anyone…they are dopey, hysterical, down to earth normal human beings.
At the end of our night Jenny asked me if Richie’s Sermon, the past Sunday made me mad. I told her I hadn’t heard it because I was home with Hunter and Bart didn’t say much about it only that it was about “NO.”
Welp, I listened to it today. Richie and I texted back and forth while I was listening to it (link above). It’s about when God says “no” to our prayer requests. It hurt my feelings. Again, Factory Reset.
David and Bathesba
His story involved David and Bathesba and the loss of their first son and how for seven days, David didn’t eat, drink, or change clothes…he begged God to save their son. In the end, his son died and after he died…David got up and washed his face and asked for food.
He also referenced “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” (Psalm 30:5) This Scripture is hanging on a huge print in my living room, and I was looking at it before he brought it up in his sermon.
The other reference was Isaiah 61:3 after their mourning…..” to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.” This verse is, not only another print in my dining room but a giant tattoo on my back. These are my verses…my life verses.
So, I am being hit by three unlikely places…my dad, my brother, and a weird statement from an awesome friend. The Lord is trying to get my attention. I’ve ignored Him and been mad for three yrs and especially this past year.
I can have a Factory Reset, of sorts, every single morning because each day is brand new and full of possibilities.
I can lose the weight. Also, I can re-establish my relationships with my husband and children. Another thing is that I can mourn the loss of who Hunter was and learn to embrace our today. He is an awesome kid with a wonderful future ahead of him. A personal agenda is to firm up my relationship with my brother. Finally, I can confide and learn to trust a new set of friends when so many have just disappeared from my life.
Most importantly, I can renew my walk with Christ. He never left me or forgot about me. In fact, He still loves me. True to His Word, He is always waiting with open arms, for me to turn around. As my friend’s Mr. Cliff and Ms. Jan told me as I wailed in their arms over our circumstances… “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thess 5:18
May my Factory Reset begin…