Category Archives: Suicide Prevention

Mourning a Loss a Year Later

**Warning:  This post may contain triggers.  Mourning a Loss a Year Later.  Please, if you are struggling with your thoughts, if you or someone you know suffers from mental illness…stop reading.  Jeni, that means you.  Please know that I say this because I love you.  I do not take suicide, suicidal thoughts, mental illness, cutting, or anything else like that lightly.  It is not funny and it should not be ignored.**

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I had to get 2 wisdom teeth pulled out the other day.  For some reason, I have a horrible fear of the dentist.  Today was no different.  Luckily, I went in praying and having people pray for me.  I slathered on my “Joy” blend of essential oil.  Frankly, I smelled the joint up.

As the dentist came in, he was sporting a tie-dyed scrub cap and his eyes were smiling.  I quickly informed him that I would rather be getting a pap smear or birthing a child without drugs than be in this chair.

He laughed.  I didn’t.  Honestly, I was dead serious.  As he was numbing my mouth, I closed my eyes and begin wringing my feet the way some people wring their hands.  I had already kicked my shoes off because barefoot is the way I am 98% of my time.

Luckily, I felt NOTHING.  I actually did feel something, but as soon as I said “I feel that,” he stopped and numbed me up more.  It took 5 minutes and I was done.  I left that office on cloud nine and drooling.

Then the numbing medicine wore off and it hurt.  One tooth hurt, the other didn’t but it was no fun.  I came home, took my meds, and went home.  My friend was here, watching the kids and she gave me the go-ahead to just go upstairs.  I did just that.

The Next Day

Sadly, I wasn’t much better.  My jaw ached so badly.  I had a migraine and life just was not being sweet to me.  So thankful that my #2 kid was here to handle the kids and they just let me sleep.

Big Daddy handled supper and the kids did their chores.  If something went wrong, no one told me.  They all just handled it like a boss.  One thing I can say about pain meds is that I know that I would be hard pressed to be an addict.

Now, I do have an addictive personality but pain meds make me A) meaner than a snake B) they don’t really help C) they make my stomach hurt D) I can’t sleep E) I cry…over anything and everything.

Those are not good combinations.

Doing My Thing

I was on edge.  Probably more than I should be because I just simply didn’t feel well.  To take my mind off of my face, I decided to serve another family.  One thing I love to do is cook.  I love to cook for others and be the hands and feet of Jesus during times where someone may not feel like cooking.

A young couple at church just welcomed their fourth blessing.  Now, I didn’t know this family, but they are new to the church and community.  I wanted to serve them, so I did.  There was a plan and I executed it.  However, I did have Big Daddy drive me because I wanted the company and someone to carry the food.

It was a blessed moment to see this sweet family.

On the Way Home

This family lived close to where Big Daddy and I lived for 12 years.  We drove backroads and then decided to go and drive by our old house.  We reveled at the changes in the area, yet the sameness that we remember.  Many of our “neighbors” have moved on, but the core people were still there.

In getting back to our house, we had to travel a road that I did not enjoy traveling.  On one hand, I had a friend that lived close, but she had recently moved.  On the other hand, I had lost a friend on that road due to the choice of suicide.
As we drew closer to these 2 homes, that are extremely close together, I began having flashes.  There were flashes, images, words, thoughts, feelings…all encompassing my brain and body.  I could feel myself getting warm and I knew that I was fixing to jump in the great abyss.

Going Down the Hole

For the next day and several days after that, I could not function.  I did not get out of bed much.  My husband found me sitting on my closet floor, having a breakdown.  I simply could not get some things out of my mind.  Then, the “What If” syndrome started.  I know that I scare him when I get like that, but I could not stop the flood that was coming.

He would come to sit on the bed, hug me and ask me what he could do to help.  I just would say that I didn’t know.  Nothing could erase those things and I was not okay.  It has been almost a year since that happened.

A Sweet Release

On that following Sunday night, after days of struggling, I finally made a phone call.  I called my friend’s mom.  She is struggling and I cannot imagine the day in and day out of what all she goes through.  Her mind, her heart, her emotions…yet I called.  I thought I could keep it together.

Then, she said “hello.”

Once she said “hello,” I was done.  I know I scared her because I could not form a word.  My cry was so guttural and animalistic.  She kept asking me what was wrong and all I could say is I can’t get her eyes out of my head.

We cried together.  Mainly, she just listened to me cry.  She said that I have never mourned this loss.  I went straight into “how can I help” mode.  A year later, I am mourning and I am mourning hard.

What Makes Me Smile

She asked me a question.  “What memories do you have about LA that makes you smile?”  Through my tears, I said “bats and boxed hair dye.”  At that moment, my friend BURST out laughing through her tears.  I started laughing and I recounted the story of the night she tried to drown me while coloring my hair.  How Big Daddy told her she could NEVER come over and color my hair again (this happened often).  Then, as she was leaving my house, at midnight, the bats dive-bombed her hair.

We were chatting under the security light.  She had bleach blonde hair.  The bats came swooping out of no where.  It was the funniest scene in the history of ever.  Her screaming swatting bats and my doubled over laughing with maroon hair.

The Next Day

I ordered a small stuffed bat.  When it came in, I put it in my curio cabinet.  Around its neck, I have the necklace that my friend had made for me.  I have wrapped that necklace around the bats neck. This simple act creates calmness in me and peace.  I will miss her everyday, but I know that she knows Jesus because I was there when she asked Him into her heart.  She is with Him and one day I will see her again.

Mourning a Loss a Year Later



Save Me I am Drowning

Save Me I am Drowning

When We Met

Save me I am drowning This has been a HARD thing for me to blog about….but I keep thinking if I get out my thoughts, through my fingertips….maybe I can get the images out of my mind.

LA…..we met when our boys were playing baseball when they were about 8.  She had 2 kiddos.  Our boys are the same age and then she has a daughter the same age as my 5th son.  I remember walking into the baseball park, finding Noah’s team, and then seeing this woman sitting on the top of the bleachers.

She had a little bob haircut and her hair was bleached blonde.  She looked like a baby…way too young to have an 8 yr old and 3 yr old, at the time.  She had on a white t-shirt and ripped jeans.  Sitting beneath her was this skinny fella with this awesome mustache and his brown-haired wife.  They were all smoking, loud, fussing at each other, laughing, cheering, eating.  My 5th child took a liking to the brown haired lady and every time I turned around, she was giving him food.  I would give Daniel a stern look and she would pipe up “don’t you fuss at that baby, he didn’t ask….he just looked hungry.”

LA and Her Curiosity

The bleach blonde girl would cackle and I’d just roll my eyes thinking….she is my spirit animals.  Rough around the edges, spirited, funny, family oriented and LOUD.  We hit it off and began an intense friendship of discovery.

LA, through the lens that she saw my life as, was curious.  She was asked a lot of questions about my life, about my marriage, my parenting, my faith.  Her kids and my kids hit it off…..we all hit it off with her parents and her brother.  It was fun, it was crass at times cause that is how the roll….in a vat of sarcasm and love.

We were friends for a total of about 10 yrs….through wonderful ups of leading her to Christ in the park and her dyeing my hair to the deepest of lows with alcohol, drug addiction, and mental illness.  I have loved her through every moment, but there was a point where those moments consumed me, like a fire.  I would stay up late, talking with her and trying my best to pull her into the light of healing.  I was doing the job that Christ needed to do.

When She Fell and Letting Go

What I see now, on the backend of things is that when she fell…..she didn’t eat the bottom of the barrel….she hit my face.  I so loved her and her children and family that I placed myself at the bottom of that barrel, so she never had that opportunity to see Jesus directly.  She saw Him because she loved Him and was His child, but she did *see* Him in that face of darkness and despair.  I wanted the control because I thought I could fix it all and make her better.

My husband had encouraged me to back away….not disappear, not to stop loving, not to stop praying, but I had to allow her to meet her Jesus and find her healing and wholeness in Him and not me.  That was hard.  I met some very dark days, as well.  There were times she would need me and I would rearrange everything to go to her and love her and I would leave my kids and their issues behind.

It is sad to say that reprioritizing my life, submitting to my husband and what I know to be Scripturally correct was letting LA deal with things alone….without me swooping in to rescue her.  My heart was good because I love her so very much and I love those babies so very much, but our friendship was in the way of her relationship with Jesus.  I was a stumbling block.

Swirl of Love

As the years waned in and out….we would have good laughs at memories, we would catch up with the kids and she started becoming healthier in her mind and other areas.  What proved to me that listening to Jesus was the right thing was when she called me up, out of the blue and said: “I need you.”  Mind you this was probably 8 or 9 years into our friendship.  She wanted to come to the house…she needed me and I could hear in her voice the clarity and not that foggy voice of addiction…I told her to come and we would talk.

She walked up on my porch and the swirl of love and respect for each other encompassed us.  It was like a minute had not gone by.  She was clear-eyed and had a clear voice and was so very strong.  There was such a strength in her.  She sat down, explained what was going on to Bart and me and we all just sat there and stared at each other thinking “oh crap….what is going to happen and how can we help.”  She needed to talk about an issue with her precious son in a moment of fogginess and the love she had for that baby, regardless of the situation, was written all over her face.


She had forgiven, instantly the things that had happened and was prepared to do whatever she could to help her son get the help he needs and she did.  She fought a wonderful fight and she and her mom won.  He received what he needed and though the situation was terrible… a stranger’s view….to her…….it was just a moment.  A mistake.  We all make them and he is no different and she loves and believes in him and his sister.  I was so proud of her and her resolve.  I think the only other thing that I was prouder of, was when she received Christ, but this one was a close second!

Now, to see my friend, so desperate, again and I was unaware this time.  The phone call from her mom stopped my world from spinning.  I honestly didn’t believe her until I heard her strong voice crack and I could hear her crying over the phone.  Just typing and thinking about that sends this electric emotion through me and I can’t stop thinking of all the “what ifs”….my last image of my friend was looking at her beautiful face……so calm and sincere, while I brushed her freshly washed hair and braided it, while she lay on that table after she took her life.

I Will Never Forget

I will never get those images out of my head.  Ever.  I will never forget hugging her mom….her son….her daughter…her brother.  I will never forget.  Never.  As I washed her face, brushed her hair, painted her fingernails the perfect color of pink.  I will never forget.

Save Me I am Drowning

One moment of despair.

A moment of feeling alone.

Finally, a moment of being alone, physically.

10 seconds away from her mom and children.

Her life was over.

She met Jesus face to face.

Please…..please please…..remember……

You are NEVER alone.

God is ALWAYS with you.

You are LOVED beyond measure.

Help is a PHONE CALL 24 HOURS A DAY away.

There is always a joy to be found somewhere, even if it is so very small….there is still joy.

Please seek help from a counselor, the hotline, a pastor, a friend, a family member.

Please do not choose a path that leaves the family with so many unanswered questions and so much pain.