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Posts from the ‘Marriage’ Category

That Moment…..

When you have had a good day.  You have worshiped Jesus with like minded believers.  You have snuggled with your family, taken a good nap, got sugars from an amazing 3 yr old warrior…..and then, like an iron skillet to the face……it hits.

A wave of depression.

A wave of failure.

A wave of insecurities.

A wave of realities.

A wave of irrational thinking.

A wave of tears.

My Lady always fussed at me because of my “stoic” facade.  She would always tell me, especially when she asked that I recount the moment when she had her stroke and the year or so afterward, because I would fight back those tears.  She would hold my hand and just tell me to release my emotions….that it was cleansing to my soul and that there is no shame or judgement if I cried.

So I cried.

And she would hold my hand…hand me tissue…and then ask me to repeat the story.

We went through that routine about once a week until she got really sick…and then she stopped asking.  I cried every single time.  There was not a moment that I did not break down into tears.

When my Lady died….my person died….my confidante….my friend and what seemed like my only friend.  I could jot over to her house in 3 minutes…..and be fulfilled and ready to tackle the world.  I had a chair.  I had space.  I loved her ice cubes.  I would crunch and she would advise.  I would lay my head in her hands and know that I was loved, understood and prayed over.  I had no one to cry too.  I had no one that I could confide it.  I had lost my person.

Psalm 56:8 says You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.”  How humbling is that that my Jesus (and your Jesus) collects ALL our tears in a bottle and He records them.  There is not one tear that He misses.  That humbles my heart.

I am still stoic, to a point…my mama always said she knows that I’m stuffing stuffing stuffing down my emotions until there is one little thing that breaks me and then WHAM I am letting it ALL out.

I texted her, late one night and all it said was “I love you, mama.”  That was it.  Nothing fancy, nothing indicating anything was wrong…just a simple statement.  No more did I hit send and the phone was ringing….I rarely call her “mama” unless something is wrong and she is so tuned into me that she knows that she needs to diffuse, listen, encourage, pray and sometimes let me cry.  She’s good like that.  There are times when I just need her.  I need her love.  I need her support.  I need her to listen.  I need her to let me cry and then I need her to tell me to go and wash my face.  I cannot or do not want to imagine my life without her and the unconditional love that she supplies me every single day.

Today was a good day.  We had an excellent service.  We came home and all was well…until it wasn’t.  I had that wave roll over me and I sat, in my room, unable to breathe.  I felt my tears welling up and I just pushed them down until I just couldn’t anymore.

Big Daddy came up and we laid down and I talked….he patted.  I cried……he patted harder.  I snotted……he patted even harder.  I just told him how I felt like such a failure, as a wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend….how alone I felt.  How I was 1/2 way to 80 and I have wasted my life.  He, in his sweet self, informed me that I was *more* then 1/2 way to 80, that I was almost 1/2 way to 90.  Good pep talk, Big Daddy….good….that comment made me cry even harder.

Then it all came bursting out like the water of a broken dam.  What would I do if he died and he left me all alone?  Why did I start watching a movie that I knew scared me and now I’m afraid spiders are in my bed?  Why doesn’t he love me?  Does he hate me?  Do my kids hate me?  I’m worthless.  I’m useless.  I have accomplished nothing in life.

Pity Party:  Party of 1 please….your table is ready.

There is Truth that I MUST remember…..

What does Jesus say about me?  In Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  If I want to get REALLY technical…I can throw it back to Genesis 1:27 with “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”  I was created in the image of God.  He created me to look like Him!  

How crazy is that?

So, knowing that….why do I have these waves?  I don’t know why I get in these funks.  Maybe it is still working through the grief I feel, but then again, my Lady just recently went home….and these waves have come for as long as I can remember.

It is that battlefield of the mind…..satan has wreaked havoc on my emotions and mind.  I have felt the closeness of Jesus all day long and then BAM….out of left field comes a wave of blech.

I am so incredibly thankful for my husband.  He is a steadfast rock to my shifting emotional sand.  I am thankful for new beginnings.  I’m thankful for what Jesus did on the cross for me.  I am thankful for Truths.

Tomorrow is a new day full of new beginnings.

We all have the same 24 hrs in a day.  Will you allow satan to have a foothold in your thoughts or will you choose to capture your thoughts with the Truths of Jesus?

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I’m Ready for my Rainbow

I posted something on FB the other day stating what all we had coming up, as a family.  There was my surgery, Hunter’s IVIg treatment, Jude’s surgery, my daughter coming home after 22 weeks at military school, my Lady’s health, and the sentencing of my niece.  A lady said that with all that, that means you are due a rainbow.

Well….rainbow…..it is time for you to show the heck up.

I *need* a rainbow.

Since about April or March of 2015…the Lord turned my life upside down and inside out.  If it could go wrong, it went wrong.  He took what I thought was a firm foundation and He shook it to the core of my being.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot but I’m over it and now I just want my rainbow…..I really really do.

When the first massive (and no I am NOT exaggerating) thing happened…..I thought my world just stopped spinning.  I remember that day, like it was yesterday.  I was doing some cleaning up of things and I came across something that took my stomach from its normal residence down to the bottom of my feet and then back up to the top of my head.  I remember telling myself to “stay calm.”  You do not know that this is true so do not make assumptions.  I restrained myself when I called someone up to talk with me.  The question I asked….the answer I got….then the truth came out.  Then, I had to start all over with another person and do the same thing over again.  I remember falling to my knees and making a noise that sounded like a wounded animal.  I could not get my breath.  I could not stop crying.  I just crumpled myself while the other parties sat and looked helpless at the revelation.  My heart was ripped out of my chest and shattered that day.  The Lord has been gracious in putting my heart back together, but it will never be the same as it was that day.

Once I got my bearings about me, I ran out of the room and I got in my van and I headed to the one place that was my safety.  My Lady’s house.  I knocked on her door and I heard her yell “I’m coming!”  I stood there….frozen.  She opened the door and she just looked at me and I crumpled in her arms wailing.  I could not even form words.  She gently guided me to her dining room table and I laid my head in her hands….she never asked anything….she just simply prayed over me.  Once I could pull myself together, I told her what had happened.  She never showed emotion (other than her hurting because I was hurting)….she just loved me.  She loved the people who had hurt me so deeply.  She continued to pray and she called a beloved friend of all of ours and she simply said “can you please go here and do this and this.”  Our friend never missed a beat…..he did what she asked.  He knows everything and he has never ever judged or condemned any party.  He has simply loved, counseled and prayed over everyone involved.

The love my Lady has for my family is unspeakable.  It is pure, unconditional, and honest.  Believe me, she cleans my clock when I am in the wrong and she does it with a smile on her face and Jesus in her heart.  She is my person…….plain and simple.  Her guidance, through this all, is why I still am where I am and why I didn’t allow satan to make a horrible situation even worse.  I did not fall into the flesh and do what I wanted to do….I did as I was guided through intense prayer, accountability for all that was a part of this, ejecting things out of my life (though painful), and learning to live without those damn rose colored glasses…….

It has taken time to forgive….time I cannot get back but then again, the time was necessary in my healing process.  A line was drawn in the sand, that day.  A line that no party wants crossed because if it is crossed, the outcome will be way different than it was in 2015.  Forgiveness is not about giving the people who hurt me permission to do so.  It is about releasing the shackles from my feet so that I can dance.  It is about not letting satan take a moment of flesh to dictate my, or the other parties involved, future.  It is about being obedient to Jesus dying on the cross….forgiving with His last breath.

I still have moments of “what are you doing, what are you hiding, are you lying to me.”  But they are fewer and further between.  I am not perfect.  I have to remind myself that I have forgiven, in Jesus’ Name, and I’m not allowed to throw this topic up when it suits me or when I want to feel “justified” about something.  I am NOT a victim because I actively choose joy.  I actively choose obedience.  I actively choose to take that next right step, which is shown by the Light at my feet.

Once this issue was “resolved” (I say that in quotes because I still struggle, still have trust issues, still have nightmares but I believe I have forgiven)….our world was rocked again.  Rocked in a sad heart tugging way that not many people truly understand….till tomorrow, friends and neighbors.

20 Years Strong

Today is the day that I married the man that God intended for me to marry.

I met him during a horrible time in my life.  I was in an abusive relationship and very beaten down.  I had just transferred to our local university and had moved out of my home.  My family was in turmoil and it was just difficult.

I remember walking into the game room. I had gotten a job, on campus, and this was it.  I was late because I had driven from my parent’s home, an hour away.  By the time I got there, the other employee’s had already lined up at the front desk and was hearing the “speech” given by the head guy.

I noticed a boy, about the third or fourth in line. He had on white washed jeans, a light green shirt, a cub’s hat and he had a lip full of tobacco (yuck).  I only saw his profile.

My first thought, literally, was “I’m gonna marry him.”

I had no idea what his name was, if he was single…all I knew was that he butt looked AMAZING in those jeans and he had a kind expression on his face.

I walked to the end of the line and heard the speech.  I got my schedule and I remember looking at it, in detail.  I knew no one.  I was paired, on the weekends with two guys.  One of the guys name was Shawn and the second guy…I remember looking at his name and thinking “who would name their kid Bart?”  I had no idea who “Bart” was…I just got tickled with his name.  I even called my sister, snickering.

Then, as I went for my first shift, I met Shawn.  He was a nice guy who REALLY loved to pick his nose on yards upon yards of toilet paper.  As I sat there, I looked up and here he came Bart…..he was the guy with the white washed jeans.  I remember thinking “OH MY GOODNESS!”

My heart kind of flipped.

His eyes were sky blue.  He had a bitty mustache.  He was quiet and reserved.  His hands were HUGE….my thumbs put together would equal one of his thumbs.  He was smart.  Soft.  Encouraging.

Due to my “relationship” with the guy I had been with was very controlling.  He did not allow me to talk to ANY male person.  He would come and watch me and it just did not go well when I had to talk to a guy.  He would just stand there and watch.  I walked behind him, I had no opinion on any subject…he told me what to think, what to do, how to act, who to associate with….it was sad.

We had bowling alleys in our game room and occasionally, they would break down.  Bart and I would have to go back where my “boyfriend” couldn’t go so we could work on the lanes.  He would talk to me and tell me what he thought I deserved and how I should be treated.  That I should be treated like a princess and without abandon. I deserved better.

He loved me.  He showed me love.  He taught me how to love.

From meeting to marriage was about a year and today, we celebrate 20 years of marriage.  I’m so thankful my first reaction was spot on and that through the years of love, laughter, pain, loss…that he has never left my side.

Happy Anniversary to my FAVORITE person (you’ve still got a great butt).

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