No, no, no….I’m not talking about my phone or tablet.
I am talking about my life.
Do you ever wish you could just close your eyes and then wake up and start all over?
No bad things ever happened to you.
You were not overweight.
You had the innocence and belief of a child, but in your adult body.
Everything is fresh and new.
I must say, my depression has lifted a bit, so that is not a struggle for right now.
Everything else is a mess.
It’s kind of like when you throw a load of laundry, in the washer, get it out to throw it in the dryer. When the dryer is done, you open it up and you wonder “what in the h*ll is all over my dryer and my clothes?!” Upon further inspection, you find the culprit…..make up, a marker, paint, human crap (it can be washed and dried in log form FYI), a red sock with light clothes….you know the story.
That is my life.
A red sock washed with light colored clothes in hot water in a hot dryer and now stained on everything from here to high heaven with no hopes of it *ever* washing off of anything ever again in the history of ever.
Yep. That’s my life.
I was talking to my daddy the other day…we were standing in the barn watching a bird and I asked him a question. “Daddy, do you ever just get mad at God because of all that you went through and all that your going through?” He never looked at me, but his eyes narrowed as he was focusing in on that bird and he said “nope, don’t reckon I’ve been mad at Him.” I said “well, I think I am…..I think I’m really angry with God right now….my little boy took a nap 10 mths ago and woke up with his life completely changed and I can’t fix it. Yep, I’m mad.” I tried to hide my tears because I would rather eat a horse apple then to cry. At that time, my eyes were narrowing in on that bird and I was staring intently at it, trying to discreetly wipe my tears. I felt his eyes looking at me and he said “well, how’s that working out for you?”
My spirit was screaming “IT’S NOT WORKING FOR ME BUT DANGIT I AM PISSED AND I’M GONNA STAY PISSED UNTIL I’M DONE BEING PISSED!” My mouth said “it isn’t working so well, Daddy, but I don’t know how to not be mad.” The bird moved, at that point…Martha came in with Hunter and our conversation ended.
That night, I had texted my brother and told him I needed him to talk to another kid for me because of some pretty serious behavior issues. We missed each other in passing, I guess, so we were playing phone tag. My brother and I have never been close. We don’t talk. I perceived that I was his least favorite person who ever walked the face of the earth, but I’ve been known to be wrong a time or two. The Lord has seen fit to begin restoring our relationship….a moment at a time. This was another moment.
He texted me back and told me when he would be around and I replied with a vomited version of what had gone on…then it went on to say that I simply don’t know what to do and I feel like a failure as a parent because things are so bad, with this particular child and I’m at a loss. His one word reply has had me pondering all day long. “Prayer.” My brother and I don’t talk about our faith together. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him attend church…maybe when we were younger and Martha made us 🙂 I have not seen him in a church as an adult though and I really didn’t know where his salvation stood. My job is to pray for him and for God to do the rest. This statement stopped me in my tracks. Since Thanksgiving of last year, there has been a shift in our relationship and how we communicate with each other. Instead of him, being him, and going off on doctors or just not answering me….he said “prayer.”
So, two men…..who have lived (if you know what I mean)…..point me to the cross. The next day, Bart and I had dinner with our friends Richie and Jenny. We enjoy getting to go out with them or cook at home and have all the kids everywhere. We laughed and laughed at dinner, but we also had some serious conversations. We are blessed to call them friends but Richie is also our pastor….I respect him immensely (and sweet Jenny) but to us, they are not “superior” or above anyone…they are dopey, hysterical, down to earth normal human beings. At the end of our night Jenny asked me if Richie’s Sermon, the past Sunday made me mad. I told her I hadn’t heard it because I was home with Hunter and Bart didn’t say much about it only that it was about “NO.”
Welp…..I listened to it today. Richie and I texted back and forth while I was listening to it (link above). It’s about when God says “no” to our prayer requests. It hurt my feelings. His story was based around David and Bathesba and the loss of their first son and how for 7 days, David didn’t eat, drink, or change clothes…he begged God to save their son. In the end, his son died and after he died…David got up and washed his face and asked for food. He also referenced “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” (Psalm 30:5) This Scripture is hanging on a huge print in my living room and I was looking at it before he brought it up in his sermon. The other reference was Isaiah 61:3 after their mourning…..”to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.” This is, not only another print in my dining room….but a giant tattoo on my back. These are my verses…my life verses.
So, I have been hit from 3 unlikely places…my dad, my brother, and a weird statement from an awesome friend. This is the Lord trying to get my attention. I’ve ignored Him and been mad for 3 yrs and especially this past year. I can have a factory reset, of sorts, every single morning because each day is brand new and full of possibilities.
Things can change.
I can lose the weight.
I can re-establish my relationships with my husband and children.
I can mourn the loss of who Hunter was and learn to embrace our today and how awesome he is.
I can firm up my relationship with my brother.
I can confide and learn to trust a new set of friends when so many have just disappeared from my life.
Most importantly, I can renew my walk with Christ.
He never left me.
He didn’t forget about me.
He still loves me.
He is always waiting with open arms, for me to simply turn around.
As my friend’s Mr. Cliff and Ms. Jan told me as I wailed in their arms over our circumstances….
“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thess 5:18
May my factory reset begin…….