Category Archives: Inspirational Thoughts

When Life Gives You Lemons

When Life Gives You Lemons

Squeeze the Crap Out of Them and Smile

Today has been an emotional one for me.  There has been nothing spectacularly bad happen, just somedays, the magnitude of everything hits me.

Mondays are therapy days and we are SO blessed to have such a great team of therapists that work with Hunter every single week.  They keep a smile on their faces and they encourage Hunter (and me).  We all work well, as a unit, to accomplish the greater goal of seeing Hunter succeed.

Heading to Therapy

Tears flowed, as we headed to therapy today.  I just couldn’t keep it together and I can’t stand it when I’m overly emotional.  Hunter was good, ready to go, and happily singing to the music we were playing.  I, however, just let the waterworks flow.

We got there and our OT came with a smile on her face and new blocks to play with.  We worked on getting his Theratog on (what a crapfest that thing has been) properly.  Then, towards the end of the session, I asked the unthinkable.

Do you believe this is helping him?

Our OT is phenomenal.  I mean tenderhearted, great at her job, sincere, loving, God fearing…she is awesome.  She said what I was already feeling.  I believe this is what makes our team good.

She knows the flu season is coming and Hunter cannot get sick.  As well as, she sees the ebbs and flows of his condition.  All the way, teaching me techniques and toys that can help him.  We discussed just taking a break.  She knows I need it.  Just a mental break.  There is also the knowledge that we do work with him here.

Next Up:  Speech

Our SLP is the bomb.  She is firm but good.  The diligence of this woman and how she thinks outside of the box, for Hunter, amazes me.  We had the same conversation, only this time, I lost my composure.

She quietly asked if I wanted to go to another room and then I just sat there and cried.  The kindness this woman showed me humbles my heart.  As she said, “I even buy the good tissue for moments like this.”  LOL.  Another God-fearing woman in this facility.  She walks it and talks it.

We talked about what the OT and I talked about and she agreed.  Again, we are going back in January, but she knows that I’m so tired.  We have worked so hard and the ebbs and flow of ATLD1 is just a beast.

Tony Stark

Last up, is PT.  Tony…I am his fangirl.  He is simply the best PT we have ever met and we have met several.  Tony Stark is not his name, but that is the name that Hunter gave him from day 1.

He is our Ironman.  He has let me sit and cry, while he plays music in the background.  I kid you not.  We have brainstormed, tried new techniques.  I’m not afraid of his suggestions and he is open to mine.

Tony has taught me a level of patience I didn’t think existed.  He loves Jesus, his wife, and his boys.  He loves theatre, music, acting, dancing and his talent for working with his patients is amazing.

Again, he agreed.

Coming Soon

Well, January to be exact.  We are taking a break from our 3 hr per week therapy sessions.  In January, we will come back, retest and regroup.  I am hoping to be refreshed.  Hunter will *almost* be 5 by then.  I’m hoping that he will have gained some weight, as well.

Until then, we are going to be going to Cassidy’s Cause.  It is a Horse Therapy in our local town.  As Jesus would have it, Hunter will get to be in the same class as his sister.  He will get to see her, his brother, and his Mamaw.  There is a strong possibility that his Jojo and Papa will be there too.

Our big kids get to go and volunteer so this will be an all-encompassing family outing every week for an hour.  I’m thrilled at how this will help Hunter with his core and strength.  It will also strengthen the bond between siblings, grandparents, and great-grandparents.

horse therapy

Kick Some Butt

When he comes back to his Power of 3 team, in January, he will kick some butt!  He will show the doctors that he will grow, succeed, and beat this terrible condition.  God is good.  I’m so blessed with the people that have come into my tribe to help my boy.

 

Overwhelming Sadness

Today (this being written on Saturday the 29th), I am overwhelmed with sadness.  There is no particular reason why.  It has been a beautiful day but it has been a long day.  I have accomplished quite a bit, but still feel like I’ve done nothing.  Now, in the quiet of my room…I feel that pressure of sadness.  It is almost like a weighted blanket being laid across my chest.

The one year anniversary of my Lady leaving me is today.

Fear of failure.

Frustration over accidents.

Anger in regards to businesses and their lack of care for their customers.

Sadness as I think of my niece and nephew.

Hurt as I think of what my sister has to deal with on a daily basis.

Listening to a friend, mourn knowledge of what has been.

Pain thinking of the things that little eyes have seen and little ears have heard.

Uncertainty when I look at my son.

So Many Emotions

Since I’ve been off my anti-depressants, I feel things.  I feel ALL the things.  This is not pleasant for me.  I’m certainly not familiar with these emotions and the random times they pop up.

I miss my friend.  It really is that simple.

Lately, I have stepped out of myself and I’ve allowed myself to talk about these things (all the things) to my husband.  Bless his heart.  He is so good.

He simply doesn’t know what to do with all that encompasses me and these things that I feel.  When I say I’m fixing to cry, he sits down and lets me sit on his lap and cry.  It doesn’t take long and once I’m done, I’m done.

He’s a good man.

God is Bigger

For now, I will lean on the knowledge that God is bigger.  He is big enough to handle all these stressors, mean people, stupid mistakes, and health issues.  I have to realize that, in Him, he sees the beauty in me.  He captures all my tears and he places them in a bottle.

He is good.  All the time and all the time He is good.

Fall is Finally Here

Fall is Finally Here

Fall is finally here and guess what?  It brings the rain.  That’s okay, we need it and I love a good gentle rain with a nice breeze.

Waking UP is Hard to Do

This morning, I woke up with a start.  I never heard Hunter make all the sounds that Hunter makes when he is up. Going to bed too late, taking 2 Aleve for a toothache, and the rainy day made me oversleep.

When I looked at the clock and it is 10!  Next, I turned over and saw Hunter staring at me.  Then, I turned back over and Big Daddy was still in bed, with his breathing machine on.  I had a brief moment of panic.

Then I Realized

It was Saturday.  We had nowhere to go, nothing planned, nothing to do.  Hunter did not necessarily need a nap, so allowed my body to relax again.  Big Daddy got up with Hunter and I fell back asleep.

This time, I woke up at 11:30.  It was really nice.  Well, that part was nice and then I had a meltdown.  Hunter came back upstairs to snuggle.  I realized, as he lay next to me, his body was shaking.

My Heart Began to Ache

We have done all that we know to do.  He has a Neuro that says nothing can be done.  There is a “movement” specialist, who just wants to observe him.  The FL dr, who is so expensive (but worth it).  Then there is the Amish dr who prescribes these horrible tasting herbal remedies.

Let’s not forget the Theratog, the weighted vests, the special diet, the vitamins, the chemo, the IVIG, and the ACTH.  That would be awful to forget those things.  We have had him prayed over, blessings released over him, people come over to pray for him.  There are strangers who see him out, ask his name, and say they will pray for him.

Yet

God does not move.  Maybe He is moving and the flesh of my eyes just cannot see Him.  All I see is shaking.  I see him falling.  Him wanting to feed himself, but can’t.  My eyes move to him trying to get a drink and blooding his lip because he shakes so badly.

I do not see God moving.  Maybe I’m not looking hard enough.  Selfishness, maybe I’m selfish because I desire him to live a normal 4-year-old life…yet he doesn’t.  Lack of faith could be an answer for me.  Hunter has faith, I know that.  There are people around me who have faith, but maybe I lack it.

Sigh

I have to remind myself that I may not “see” God moving.  Somewhere, though, He is because that is His promise.  Refocusing is what I need to do.  I do not see the wind, yet it is windy today.  I can go outside and *feel* the wind on my face.

That could be it.  I need to *feel* Him again.  Anger has hardened me, in some way.  It makes me not want to feel anymore because not feeling is easier.  Emotionless, that is how some people describe me.

What You Don’t Know

Is that I’m overly full of emotion.  I just don’t show it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that passes me by.  Emotions are kept close to my heart.  When I feel safe, I can release them.  Most of the time, I do it alone.  Just me and God, having it out, lots of yelling (mainly by me).

Occasionally, Big Daddy will catch a glimpse.  Rarely, do my kids see it.  They have enough of their own stuff, in dealing with Hunter’s condition.  I will not let them see me lose my crap.  My job is to comfort them and encourage them.

New Season

A new season is upon us.  I’m excited.  The cool, crisp air of fall is my favorite.  I can still picture, driving up my grandparent’s hill, seeing Grandaddy sitting on the porch.  He’d have his jacket on, with the collar pulled up and his hat pulled down.  His eye would narrow on the cars that were passing by beyond the hill.  He loved the fall.

The old is passing away and it gives everyone a chance to just rest in the quietness of life.  Then, with spring, comes new life and new beginnings.  I encourage you all, to bloom where you are planted.  Where the Lord plants you is created perfectly for who you are and what He has planned for you.

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