Category Archives: Family

When Life Gives You Lemons

When Life Gives You Lemons

Squeeze the Crap Out of Them and Smile

When Life Gives You Lemons, squeeze the crap out of them and smile.  Today has been an emotional one for me.  There has been nothing spectacularly bad happen, just somedays, the magnitude of everything hits me.

Mondays are therapy days and we are SO blessed to have such a great team of therapists that work with Hunter every single week.  They keep a smile on their faces and they encourage Hunter (and me).  We all work well, as a unit, to accomplish the greater goal of seeing Hunter succeed.

Heading to Horse Therapy at Cassidy’s Cause

Tears flowed, as we headed to therapy today.  I just couldn’t keep it together and I can’t stand it when I’m overly emotional.  Hunter was good, ready to go, and happily singing to the music we were playing.  I, however, just let the waterworks flow.

We got there and our OT came with a smile on her face and new blocks to play with.  We worked on getting his Theratog on (what a crapfest that thing has been) properly.  Then, towards the end of the session, I asked the unthinkable.

Do you believe this is helping him?

Our OT is phenomenal.  I mean tenderhearted, great at her job, sincere, loving, God fearing…she is awesome.  She said what I was already feeling.  I believe this is what makes our team good.

She knows the flu season is coming and Hunter cannot get sick.  As well as, she sees the ebbs and flows of his condition.  All the way, teaching me techniques and toys that can help him.  We discussed just taking a break.  She knows I need it.  Just a mental break.  There is also the knowledge that we do work with him here.

Next Up:  Speech

Our SLP is the bomb.  She is firm but good.  The diligence of this woman and how she thinks outside of the box, for Hunter, amazes me.  We had the same conversation, only this time, I lost my composure.

She quietly asked if I wanted to go to another room and then I just sat there and cried.  The kindness this woman showed me humbles my heart.  As she said, “I even buy the good tissue for moments like this.”  LOL.  Another God-fearing woman in this facility.  She walks it and talks it.

We talked about what the OT and I talked about and she agreed.  Again, we are going back in January, but she knows that I’m so tired.  We have worked so hard and the ebbs and flow of ATLD1 is just a beast.

Tony Stark

Last up, is PT.  Tony…I am his fangirl.  He is simply the best PT we have ever met and we have met several.  Tony Stark is not his name, but that is the name that Hunter gave him from day 1.

He is our Ironman.  He has let me sit and cry, while he plays music in the background.  I kid you not.  We have brainstormed, tried new techniques.  I’m not afraid of his suggestions and he is open to mine.

Tony has taught me a level of patience I didn’t think existed.  He loves Jesus, his wife, and his boys.  He loves theatre, music, acting, dancing and his talent for working with his patients is amazing.

Again, he agreed.

horse therapy

Coming Soon

Well, January to be exact.  We are taking a break from our 3 hr per week therapy sessions.  In January, we will come back, retest and regroup.  I am hoping to be refreshed.  Hunter will *almost* be 5 by then.  I’m hoping that he will have gained some weight, as well.

Until then, we are going to be going to Cassidy’s Cause.  It is a Horse Therapy in our local town.  As Jesus would have it, Hunter will get to be in the same class as his sister.  He will get to see her, his brother, and his Mamaw.  There is a strong possibility that his Jojo and Papa will be there too.

Our big kids get to go and volunteer so this will be an all-encompassing family outing every week for an hour.  I’m thrilled at how this will help Hunter with his core and strength.  It will also strengthen the bond between siblings, grandparents, and great-grandparents.

Kick Some Butt

When he comes back to his Power of 3 team, in January, he will kick some butt!  He will show the doctors that he will grow, succeed, and beat this terrible condition.  God is good.  I’m so blessed with the people that have come into my tribe to help my boy.  Until then, we do horse therapy and watch how his ataxia improves.

When Life Gives You Lemons:  Related Posts

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Series

The Ache of Reality

 

 

Making Peace With the Past

Making Peace With the Past

Man…those are heavy words.  Making peace with the past.  Heavy.  I have a weight that sits on my chest that I have never fully released or forgiven, for that matter.  It is something I NEVER talk about but I choose to hold this subject so close to my heart.  Infant loss through some unethical choices of others is so very hard.

Loss.

Loss of my children.

The pain of having children *ripped* out of your arms.

Pain of dealing with the choices of another.

Two Babies.

The heartache is unspeakable.  I can close my eyes and still feel my children being ripped from my arms.  I can hear them screaming for me.  The animalistic sounds that were being made, were being made by me.  It was almost like an out of body experience.

Then, a year later almost to the date, I see them again.  I stand there, with this lump in my throat.  The realization of the age that my children were taken.  They were 2 and 1.  They were only with me for a short time, they would *never* remember me.

I tentatively walk to where they are and I just stand there, staring.  I don’t want to speak because I have 2 fears.  One that they will not remember me.  The other is that they will remember me and wonder where I have been.

As I squatted down, I said “babies.”  They looked up and they saw me…they ran to me saying “mama” and hugged me.  My heart lept and sank at the same time.  That same evil woman, who took them the first time was there, and her evil continued.  She took them out of my arms again.

I could not bear it, so I left the facility where we were at.  The next year, I did not even go because I knew they would be there.  Bart went, they didn’t know him, he got pictures.  The last images I have of my children.

Etched in my brain.

Forever.

I do not know where they are.  I do not know if they are safe.  They are 12 and 14 now, I always remember.

Walker + One

Then, there was a time that I met a lovely young woman.  This young woman was pregnant.  She chose our family to adopt this little boy.  He was due in December of 2012.  We named him Walker.  Unfortunately, due to circumstances, this young lady made another choice, at an advanced stage of pregnancy.

I can close my eyes and see this little blonde-haired, blue-eyed little boy.  He was due at around the same time that we were picking up Jude.  She knew that we knew that and it was all good.  We were going to have 2 new boys…one 6 and one newborn enter our lives.

We only brought home one of those boys.  The other sits on the lap of Jesus, with another child that we loved and planned for but again, due to choices…

And the Last Boy

Then one more little one that we wanted to love and care for, so deeply.  We wanted to give him a future, safety, security, and love.  The system chose to return him to an unsafe environment and now we don’t know anything.  Again, our hearts broke.

Sigh.

I have got to let this go.  Forgiveness is not about giving permission for these people to hurt our family.  It is to rid myself of the venom that the devil is happy to let stew on my stomach for 12 years.

I don’t have to tell these people I forgive them.  By forgiving them, I do not have to forget my children.  I can still love them, cherish them, and miss them.  Pray without ceasing.  Lord, help me forgive the people in these situations.  Help me to hold onto my memories, my dreams, and my ideas of what could have been. Lord, help me to pray for, bless, and love the people that have hurt us.  Most of all, Lord, help me to forgive because I must give thanks in ALL circumstances according to Your Word.

Release.

Release the memories, the pain, the negativity, and the unforgiveness.

God loves all these children more then I can comprehend.

Unforgiveness…not today, Satan.  Not today.

Today, I CHOOSE to forgive.

Related Posts:  Making Peace With the Past

Foster Care System: From a Teen’s Perspective

A Glimpse into the Power of Forgiveness

A Moment I Won’t Soon Forget

Our Night in Pictures

Our Night in Pictures:  celebrating 56 yrs of marriage with our annual weenie roast.  What a great time we had!

Our Night in Pictures

^^Daddy has always been a little much, but tonight, he was in rare form.  Martha could not keep him straight.^^

Our Night in Pictures

^^Here Martha is, all gorgeous…then there is Pop, all kinds of “extra.”^^

Our Night in Pictures

^^Notice her smacking his hand?  She is saying, “Now, Droop, stop it.  Act right!”

Our Night in Pictures

^^Making sure the great grandkids do not drive the mule into the pond.^^

Our Night in PicturesOur Night in Pictures

^^I had to hold his hands down to keep him from picking his nose or mine :/.^^

Our Night in Pictures

^^My sisters.  Life is better with them in it.^^

Our Night in Pictures

^^My boy and my niece.^^

Our Night in Pictures

Missing Corey, Aaron, and Aiden

^^Missing Heather Lynn, Leigha, Corey, Paige, Amber, Aaron, Alex, Jonathan, Maritess, and Victoria.^^

 

^^Hunter LOVES his “Joey” (or Isaac).^^

^^My oldest son.^^

^^The Oak of the family, Martha.^^

You can read about their 55th Wedding Anniversary here!

Fat Girls and Field Mice

Sneaky Kid and Sneakier Papa

Overwhelming Sadness

Overwhelming Sadness

 

Today (this being written on Saturday the 29th), I have overwhelming sadness.  There is no particular reason why.  It has been a beautiful day but it has been a long day.  I have accomplished quite a bit, but still feel like I’ve done nothing.  Now, in the quiet of my room…I feel that pressure of sadness.  It is almost like a weighted blanket being laid across my chest.

The one year anniversary of my Lady leaving me is today.

Fear of failure.

Frustration over accidents.

Anger in regards to businesses and their lack of care for their customers.

Sadness as I think of my niece and nephew.

Hurt as I think of what my sister has to deal with on a daily basis.

Listening to a friend, mourn knowledge of what has been.

Pain thinking of the things that little eyes have seen and little ears have heard.

Uncertainty when I look at my son.

So Many Emotions

Since I’ve been off my anti-depressants, I feel things.  I feel ALL the things.  This is not pleasant for me.  I’m certainly not familiar with these emotions and the random times they pop up.

I miss my friend.  It really is that simple.

Lately, I have stepped out of myself and I’ve allowed myself to talk about these things (all the things) to my husband.  Bless his heart.  He is so good.

He simply doesn’t know what to do with all that encompasses me and these things that I feel.  When I say I’m fixing to cry, he sits down and lets me sit on his lap and cry.  It doesn’t take long and once I’m done, I’m done.

He’s a good man.

God is Bigger

For now, I will lean on the knowledge that God is bigger.  He is big enough to handle all these stressors, mean people, stupid mistakes, and health issues.  I have to realize that, in Him, he sees the beauty in me.  He captures all my tears and he places them in a bottle.

He is good.  All the time and all the time He is good.

Related Posts:

The Prophecy and the Call

Feelings of Failure

That Moment

Oh My Word Becky

Oh. My. Word, Becky

Rainy Days

Oh, my word, Becky, it has already been a day and it is only 2 pm.  It has rained all weekend, and that is not a bad thing.  Well, the flooding part is not great, but the rain was much needed.

I love listening to a gentle rain on our metal roof.  The sound makes me want to just stay in bed and snuggle up with a warm cup of chicken broth.  Alas, this was not what my day entailed.

Therapy

We (meaning Hunter and me) had to get going to therapy, this morning.  OT, SLP, and PT is about 35 minutes away, so we had to hustle.  With the rain, it is hard to hustle because, at some points, I could not see the road.

He did really well, in therapy.  I got teary watching him struggle, though.  It is hard for me to think that this is the only life he remembers.  He does not remember being a healthy, busy toddler.  Shaking, compensating for his shaking, that’s what he remembers.

I had to call it a day during PT because he began drooling.  Drooling is a sign that he has overdone it and that his body is fixing to shut down.  Once the drooling starts, the belching begins and then we are done for the day.

I hate this condition.

Coming Home

Heading home, I decided I would stop and get him lunch.  It was already afternoon and he had had a couple of peanut butter power bites, but he was hungry.  I stopped by Burger King and prepared to get him a salad (his choice) but at the last minute, he wanted a burger.

He ate the burger and my fries, on the way home.  I had forgotten his sippy cup so he could not have his juice.  He can’t hold those little packets of juice to his face, squeeze and drink at the same time.  That is just too much for him.

How sad is that?

Once Home

Kids are doing their schoolwork, though one of my children “forgot” that he lied about doing some work, from last week.  Now, I grade everything at the end of the week, except the Bible.  That, I ask where they got too and they tell me.

This particular child stated that XYZ was done, so when I asked him again today (to make his new schedule), he suddenly realized that he lied to me and now he is backtracking in a  big way.

So, he sits, thumbing through his Bible to see where he actually stopped and how big of a lie he decided to tell me.

I can’t even.

Shaving a Cat’s Butt

In the midst of Lie-Gate, I decided that Karole (our cat) needed her butt shaved.  She was getting a bit unruly and since she is older than dirt, she smears on her fur.  I really just wanted to make a safe exit from point A to get point B on the mat without smearing it from here to high heaven.

Have you ever shaved a cat’s butt?  It was not one of my best moments.  I have a kid crying because he needs someone to feed him his applesauce, one kid crying because they lied, one rushing through and washing every dish known to man (I have no idea why), and one jumping up and down because they lost 1 lb…then, there is Karole, her butt, fur flying, and a turd smeared.

Good times.

In the Midst

I received a sad email from my niece, my youngest son’s biological mom.  Broke my heart.  My heart is heavy for one of my nephews.  I am missing my Lady like crazy and her one year anniversary is sneaking up on me.  Plus, there is supper to cook, things to put back on my wall, baseboards to paint, a house to clean, and so on.

For now, I will finish shaving the cat’s butt.  I am having said child reread what he already “read.”  I turned the diffusers on, so my house may be dirty, but it smells good.  I will delegate the paint of the baseboards to Alyssa when she gets home.  There is an email that I will be sending to my niece and prayers that go up for my nephew.

I will wipe the drool, wipe my tears, love my God and trust that His ways are higher than my ways.  There will be no running down the road naked, screaming at the top of my lungs.  Not today, Becky, not today.

Lasagna Soup

Cheeseburger Soup

 

Fall is Finally Here

Fall is Finally Here

Fall is finally here and guess what?  It brings the rain.  That’s okay, we need it and I love a good gentle rain with a nice breeze.

Waking UP is Hard to Do

This morning, I woke up with a start.  I never heard Hunter make all the sounds that Hunter makes when he is up. Going to bed too late, taking 2 Aleve for a toothache, and the rainy day made me oversleep.

When I looked at the clock and it is 10!  Next, I turned over and saw Hunter staring at me.  Then, I turned back over and Big Daddy was still in bed, with his breathing machine on.  I had a brief moment of panic.

Then I Realized

It was Saturday.  We had nowhere to go, nothing planned, nothing to do.  Hunter did not necessarily need a nap, so allowed my body to relax again.  Big Daddy got up with Hunter and I fell back asleep.

This time, I woke up at 11:30.  It was really nice.  Well, that part was nice and then I had a meltdown.  Hunter came back upstairs to snuggle.  I realized, as he lay next to me, his body was shaking.

My Heart Began to Ache

We have done all that we know to do.  He has a Neuro that says nothing can be done.  There is a “movement” specialist, who just wants to observe him.  The FL dr, who is so expensive (but worth it).  Then there is the Amish dr who prescribes these horrible tasting herbal remedies.

Let’s not forget the Theratog, the weighted vests, the special diet, the vitamins, the chemo, the IVIG, and the ACTH.  That would be awful to forget those things.  We have had him prayed over, blessings released over him, people come over to pray for him.  There are strangers who see him out, ask his name, and say they will pray for him.

Yet

God does not move.  Maybe He is moving and the flesh of my eyes just cannot see Him.  All I see is shaking.  I see him falling.  Him wanting to feed himself, but can’t.  My eyes move to him trying to get a drink and blooding his lip because he shakes so badly.

I do not see God moving.  Maybe I’m not looking hard enough.  Selfishness, maybe I’m selfish because I desire him to live a normal 4-year-old life…yet he doesn’t.  Lack of faith could be an answer for me.  Hunter has faith, I know that.  There are people around me who have faith, but maybe I lack it.

Sigh

I have to remind myself that I may not “see” God moving.  Somewhere, though, He is because that is His promise.  Refocusing is what I need to do.  I do not see the wind, yet it is windy today.  I can go outside and *feel* the wind on my face.

That could be it.  I need to *feel* Him again.  Anger has hardened me, in some way.  It makes me not want to feel anymore because not feeling is easier.  Emotionless, that is how some people describe me.

What You Don’t Know

Is that I’m overly full of emotion.  I just don’t show it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that passes me by.  Emotions are kept close to my heart.  When I feel safe, I can release them.  Most of the time, I do it alone.  Just me and God, having it out, lots of yelling (mainly by me).

Occasionally, Big Daddy will catch a glimpse.  Rarely, do my kids see it.  They have enough of their own stuff, in dealing with Hunter’s condition.  I will not let them see me lose my crap.  My job is to comfort them and encourage them.

New Season

A new season is upon us.  I’m excited.  The cool, crisp air of fall is my favorite.  I can still picture, driving up my grandparent’s hill, seeing Grandaddy sitting on the porch.  He’d have his jacket on, with the collar pulled up and his hat pulled down.  His eye would narrow on the cars that were passing by beyond the hill.  He loved the fall.

The old is passing away and it gives everyone a chance to just rest in the quietness of life.  Then, with spring, comes new life and new beginnings.  I encourage you all, to bloom where you are planted.  Where the Lord plants you is created perfectly for who you are and what He has planned for you.

7 Ways to Know You Need a Self-Care Day

7 Ways to Know You Need a Self-Care Day

7 Ways to Know You Need a Self-Care Day

  • Planned ignoring of your family and friends happens every 5 minutes
  • When you realize you have not brushed your hair in 3 days
  • Meltdowns are happening (on your part and not your children’s part) daily
  • You find yourself hiding in the bathroom more often than not
  • The sound of your children inhaling the oxygen you are breathing bugs you
  • Going to get the mail is a vacation
  • The sound of a particular child’s voice makes you want to run down the road naked screaming at the top of your lungs

Last Night

Big Daddy got home early, yesterday.  He had to go and do weapons training, therefore, it was a short day for him.  On his way home, he called to see if I wanted lunch.  I have not been particularly hungry, lately, but I told him to pick me up a salad.

Once home, he found me where I always am…at the dining room table.  The table is filled with schedules.  There are Bible reading schedules, menu schedules, yearly school schedules, and daily school schedules.  I also had an array of Dr. Seuss books and Sandra Boynton books stacked up.

My Days

Since school started, the dining room table is where you can find me at any given moment of the day.  There are occasions when I hide in the bathroom.  I may have been found lying in the fetal position, in the closet, and sometimes I am in the kitchen starting supper.

My days are exhausting, though you wouldn’t be able to tell from the state of my house.  See, I have 5 kids at home (one is married and one is in college or working).  Two of my kids have some learning issues going on, one rushes through everything and has to redo everything.  One particular child has a word and question quota that MUST be reached every day or she will self-implode.

Then There is Hunter

Hunter consumes 99% of my day.  Physically, he struggles, so his every move has to be monitored.  I was trying to get his medications rolling, he started shaking so badly that he shook backward and landed on my apple head Chihuahua.  I thought he killed her.  It was bad.

He wants to “do school” so badly, but there are so many times he cannot physically sit still or hold a pencil.  So, he wants to play with play-doh, play with sand, read books, play with legos, etc.

While I am grading papers, answering questions, doing my work, fielding phone calls, planning/starting supper, he is glued to my hip.  He wants to do all the things, all the time and he cannot do them by himself.

He Knows Me

Thankfully, Big Daddy knows me.  He knows when I’ve had my belly full.  After our lunch, I asked if he cared if I went to town…alone…and he said:  “GO.”  He did not have to tell me twice.

Off I went.  I didn’t brush my hair, change my clothes, or put on makeup.  I just went.  Mom and daddy were on my to-do list.  I had an overwhelming desire to just go and set with them.  I cried and prayed all the way to Paducah.

We Had the Greatest Visit

I got to see K and J (Hunter’s biological brother and sister).  I also saw my sister.  Shopping is not my favorite thing to do in the history of ever, but that did not stop me.  Kohl’s, Michael’s, Hobby Lobby, Old Navy were some of the stores I visited.

At Michael’s, I found some artwork. In Old Navy, I found a dress.  They were both on sale.  Then, I did something crazy!  Dillard’s!  Never have I shopped in that store, but today, I stepped out of my comfort zone.

Makeup Counter

I meandered to the makeup counter and I asked the 12 yr old girl and the 40 yr old woman to help a girl out.  There was a brief moment of stating that I want to look natural.  My makeup needs to be simple, and I do not want to look like a prostitute.

We had so much fun and yes, I did buy some makeup.  She informed me that I didn’t need to keep makeup for more than a year (mine was going on 3 or more cause I just don’t wear it often).

Coming Home

When I got home, from my self-care, afternoon, it got even better.  Big Daddy had almost finished painting the living room, papers were graded by him (and Alyssa the next day), and he cooked supper.

He hugged me, told me he loved me, that I looked beautiful and supper would be ready in a bit.  That was just the respite I needed to snap out of this funk that has been swirling around in me.

Moral to the story:  Find a fella like Big Daddy.

5 Unexpected Ways Starting Over Can Make Your Life Better

5 Unexpected Ways Starting Over Can Make Your Life Better

5 Unexpected Ways Starting Over Can Make Your Life Better

These are the 5 unexpected ways starting over can make your life better. After a *rough* start (and finish) to my day, I decided to just begin again.  As I sat in my bed, crying, I felt the Lord impress on me.  These are some simple things that I (and you) can do that can make my life (and the lives of my children) better.

  1. Hug your difficult child.
  2. Give encouragement, even if it is through gritted teeth.
  3. Pray often.
  4. Smile more.
  5. Begin again.

Choose to start over.

A new book.  Chapter 1.  Page 1.

It is NEVER too late to begin again.

Do NOT feed into the lies of Satan.

You are NEVER “too far gone.”

NEVER too old.

You will not be sorry.

God.  Is.  Bigger.

Inspirational and Encouraging Bible Verses

Cut it, Grind it, Make it into Ash, Burn It

 

An Anniversary of Champions (Long Lasting Marriage)

Marriage

The act of marriage is what brings us together….today.

In living marriage, one realizes it is hard.

My parents are celebrating 56 years of marriage.  Their marriage is standing on the Biblical love of Christ and forgiveness….forever and one day.

As an illustration, two people fall in love.  It is important to realize that these two people were raised differently but also have different belief systems, at the time.  With this in mind, I believe it is harder today rather than when my parents were young.

Now, kids have the added bonus of “life at your fingertips.”  There are cell phones, constant access to cable, social media has exploded.  You cannot even poop without posting about it on your multiple social media websites.  My parents fell in love a long long LONG time ago.  They were 16 and 18 yrs old.  See, first came conquest (according to daddy) …  uhm… LOVE (according to mom).  My parents married 56 years ago, today.  56 years.  Wow.  That seems forever ago considering I have only been married 24 years.

 

Mom and Dads wedding picture

Going to the chapel

Family

Next came chaos in the form of bad haircuts and homemade clothes and a beatin’ or two. Shane, Kim, Tera, and Brandi.

The Family circa 1973

The 70s and it all broke loose.

Martha and Pop....Wow

The 70s led to this….

Shane & Gayla = Heather, Leigha & Nick, Stephanie, and Corey

Kim & Joe = Paige (Kaleigh & Jack), Amber & Sean, Aaron (Aiden)

Tera & David = Alex & Kristin (baby), Kelly, Maritess, Jonathan, Jonas, and Isaac

Brandi & Bart = Victoria & Ben, Alyssa & Jay, Grayce, Noah, Daniel, Jude, and Hunter

To emphasize, their love boils down to 4 kids; 4 in-laws; 20 grandchildren; 5 grandchildren in law; 5 great-grandchildren (Hunter is the only “twofer” in the bunch…he is a grandchild and a great-grandchild.

Forever Family

Family Ties that Bind.

Forever.

All of that craziness led to TRUE love.

True Love Forever

55th Anniversary

On the negative side, they did not know a thing about what MARRIAGE was going to be like.  It must be remembered that these young kids had (have) excellent family support.  On the positive side, they knew they were in love and then they buckled in on the roller coaster of life.  Above all, I have learned so much from these two human beings.  My work ethic, my steadfastness, my love of Christ and family, faith, and forgiveness.

Books on Marriage

**Disclosure:  Some of the links are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.**

 

The Ache of Reality

Before He Got Sick

 

The Ache of Reality

The Ache of Reality

 

2017. Over. It. After a treatment.

2017. Over. It. After a treatment.

Reality

I find myself, lately, with the ache of the reality of what surrounds our family.  Literally, my heart physically hurts.  There are moments when I see myself going about my day.  Then, all of the sudden, tears begin to flow freely.  I am not in control of this onset of emotions, sadly.  If I were in control, I’d stifle those suckers in an instant.  It is uncontrollable and unexpected.  I do not enjoy these moments.
Hunter is better, for the most part.  He is still walking, most days.  There are some foods that Hunter can feed by himself.  There are days when he can hold a pencil (with assistance).  On a good day, Hunter can sit on the potty (almost by himself).  All of these things, he can do part ways.  Also, there are things he can do, all the way, occasionally.  Every day is a day and every day is different.  I never know what to expect day in and day out.

Remembering

What spurred these emotions on was sorting through my external hard drive, one day.  I was organizing the 10s of thousands of pictures that I have had since 1994.  As I was looking through my photos/videos of 2015 and 2016, I began to feel a heaviness.  See, in November 2015, Hunter moved in with our family.
He was “normal” that morning, on June 6, 2017.  Then, after lunch, he took a nap and our lives forever changed.  I can remember calling my sister (his Mamaw) and saying “Kim, there is something wrong with the baby, he can’t walk. We are headed to the ER.”  She met us there.  From that moment on, it was a whirlwind for the next 2 weeks.  I had almost 2 years of him being a healthy, typical, little boy.
Those healthy days, I don’t remember.  How sad is that?  He does not remember it either, that is even sadder to me. This realization cuts me to the core because I do not know what our future holds, on the flip side, I do know Who holds his future.  It can be so scary to even think about.  Will he ever walk without assistance?  Will he ever feed himself?  Dress?  Do schoolwork?  Go to college?  Have a family?  Hold a job?  I know, I know, he is only 4.5 years old…but time marches on, now doesn’t it.
I find myself questioning God and the why’s of it all.  Hunter had already endured *so* much in his little life before he came to us.  He saw so much hurt, pain, violence, neglect and now this.  Why can’t he just be?  Why can’t he just live a normal life?  What more does this baby have to go through?
Then, I hear this one question rolling through my mind, like on a carousel.

“If I never heal him, this side of heaven…will you still love me?”

 

That question is so easy, yet so hard.  It is easy because, of course, I will still love Him.  He is my Savior and my foundation.   The knowledge that He is my Alpha and Omega is overwhelming.  I want my son to be healed, this side of heaven and to be okay.  I desire to see him have a full, healthy future.  Reality is, is I don’t know what his future holds, and it makes me angry.
Anger is secondary to fear and sadness.  I fear that I will lose my son.  There is fear of people making fun of him, him getting hurt, or having to go back to the hospital.  I am sad because there is no treatment.  There is no medication, no protocol, no help, or knowledge available.  Fear and sadness could overwhelm me if I allowed it too.  In having a propensity to depression, I have to be so mindful of my mental state in all of this.

Anger

I’ve been super angry with Jesus, through all of this.  The love for Him has not changed, but I am mad (remember, fear/sadness).  Last night, we had a meeting…Jesus and me.  This meeting happened after Big Daddy prayed over me and I was fixing to go to bed.  There was a lot of yelling going on, mainly (entirely) by me because I had to get this all out.
When I came out of the bathroom, I saw my very still son, sleeping peacefully.   I sat by his bed and held his little hand.  There were no words spoken and no thoughts in my head.  I just sat there in silence staring at him, holding his hand.

The Floodgates Opened

 

There was so much that was said, so many tears that fell, and finally…peace.  I can officially say, not just with head knowledge but with heart knowledge, that I will still love my Jesus.  Hunter, just being alive, has brought together our family in a way I never dreamed it would come together.  Our tribe has come together and rallied.
There is a relationship between my brother and me.  That never existed before.  The love my brother has shown my baby is mind-blowing.  My sister and I function as a unit instead of separately.  That began before Hunter even moved in with us, but has grown stronger by the day.  My other sister has faithfully helped through providing pull-ups to being a massive prayer warrior.  My parents…I can’t even.  The support and love that has been shown effects every fiber of my being.
Hunter has shown people perseverance in the face of pain and uncertainty.  When he smiles after IVs, chemo, IVIG,  ACTH shots, after traveling for hours/days, and extended hospital stays, it melts your heart.  There may be a moment when he cries but then he tells whomever “thank you.”  Amazingly, he has shown grace through his misdiagnosis’ and he has shown tenacity in his ability to compensate for his deficits.

Hope

It has been prophesied over me, my family, Hunter’s healing.  I have learned that, in Christ, Hunter is completely healed.  The power of my words and the words that surround Hunter are just that…powerful.  I can hear the medical truth, yet still know that he is healed.  The Holy Spirit, in me, allows me to pray and thank God for the healing He has already done for Hunter.  HOPE is the key word in our journey.  I have HOPE in the circumstances that we are going through.  This HOPE can only be found in the arms of my Jesus.
I’m thankful for the people that speak that healing into existence.  That healing is Truth from the Almighty.  They remind me of what the Lord has shown them and they tell me.  These are the words that I need to hear because they come when I feel like hope is dwindling.

Snuggling

As we were snuggling in bed, last night, I asked him if he was going to be better.  I didn’t allude to his illness or anything else.  I thought he would respond according to his behavior because it has been less than stellar.  He looked up to me and said “Yes.”  He said, “I’m going to stop shaking.”
Hunter has hope. Therefore, I have hope.  We know Whom our HOPE is built on.

My Hope is Built on Nothing Less

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

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