Everyday

#Loveyourself

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Never be any different than who you are.

Always be true to yourself.

Stop putting on a mask for every place/person you go/meet.

You be you.

Let your yes be yes and your no be no.

Love yourself.

It took me a long time to be okay with who I am…and to be honest, I still struggle.  I have been told for SO long that no one will love me, no one will listen to me, no one will believe in me, no one will take me seriously, I’m too much, I’m too outspoken, I’m too loud, etc.

Now, bear in mind, it was NOT my family telling me this….these lies came from “friends” or people I thought I trusted.  My family loves me and has done nothing but edify me and love me.

I am loud.  I am outspoken.  I do speak my mind.  I march to the beat of my own drum.  I do not color inside the lines.  I do not conform.  I never will.  There were times when I tried to cover up those traits up.  I tried to play the game.  I tried to make friends and be “normal.”

Let me tell ya, it was exhausting and I broke.  I mean, I did not just sort of chip a nail, I broke in half.  I shattered.  I was in a dark dark place…I guess it was the year my granny went to see Jesus.  That was the same year I lost 2 children due to the lies of a social worker (must be noted that we had STELLAR social workers after this loss…this particular gem of a human, did not need to be a worker)….I snapped.  I snapped so badly, that when I called the nurse to tell her that I needed an appointment, the dr must have overheard us and he took over phone call because he thought I was suicidal.

I was not.  I would NEVER do that to my family.

Once he realized that I had the support of my family, he prescribed me some anti depressants to help even me out and get my mind in a better place.  The meds did just that.  I was able to see a bit clearer and I realized what I was doing to myself.

I did a lot of self reflection and I examined my friendships, my hobbies, my marriage, my walk with Christ, the foods I thought I liked, I mean every single detail.  I did not leave my house for a long period of time.  I just parented, wifed, and self reflected.  I relearned who I am, what I stand for, what I like, what I don’t like, and what I would and would not accept.

Now, there are times I still revert back to that old mindset but then I quickly remember who I am and what I will allow and not allow.  I have learned to stand up for myself and believe in myself.

Never forget who you are.

Never forget WHOSE you are.

You are a precious person in Jesus’ sight.

He loves you even when you do not love yourself.

Reevaluate your life.

Keep the good and eject the crap.

Believe in yourself.

Love yourself.

Everyday

Oh How He Loves Us

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How He Loves Us
By:  Jesus Culture

He is jealous for me
Love’s like a hurricane, and I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.

And oh
How He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us
how He loves us oh

He is jealous for me
Love’s like a hurricane, and I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.

And oh
How He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us
how He loves us oh

Yeah He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

Yeah He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking (ha ha)
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
Yeah He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves yeah yeah

Yeah He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves yeah yeah
Yeah He loves us
He loves us
He loves us (ha)

Everyday

Welp….My Rainbow Threw Up…..

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^^^^This is what my rainbow looked a bit like, starting in December 2017^^^^

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^^^^And this is what my rainbow looks like today^^^^

I was hoping, that 2018 would be a banner year!

I was going to lose 50 lbs. (We did join WW, now we have to utilize it)

My daughter would get married, without any issues. (Success)

She would also find her dream job. (Success)

Big daddy would lose some weight. (Did join WW with me and the gym)

Hunter would go into remission.

We would get another loan paid off.

We would get ahead in our savings.

Behavior issues would be resolved.

School would go off without a hitch. (We are so close to being done, though it has been bare minimum)

Noah would take his ACT and do well.

Daddy was going to get better. (Even after another scare, this year, and still trying to get bad habits under control….he got a good report from the doctor)

Another major family issue would be resolved.

A child would be safe.

A relationship would be mended. (Well on its way)

This was gonna be the year of the Crum family.

After several years of sucking dirt…..our rainbow was reemerging.

Yet….

My beginning rainbow…..that I was SO excited to see…..threw up.

Now, I have chunks of Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, and Violet all over my floor.

When my rainbow begins to be rebuilt, the first 1/4 of it will have lots of cracks, scratches, dents, and scars.

I still hold onto hope.

I hold onto Jesus.

I hold onto the promises that He has given me in His Word.

Today, I revel in the things that are being rebuilt.

Even with those scars.

It may not look like the original rainbow, but it is still full of color and character.

Here’s to rebuilding my rainbow and starting on the second quarter of this year.

 

Everyday

Self-Care: Not For Sissies

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For about a year now, maybe a bit longer, I have been learning how to take care of myself for a change.  It is hard.  As a wife, mom, daughter, friend, believer….it is hard for a woman to stop and recharge.  For me, I felt like I didn’t have time.  I had to go go go go and do do do do and when I was tired….go more and do more.

One day, I was at my Lady’s house and I had things to do there.  I needed to get laundry started, dishes started, do some computer clean up, get the trash, visit, and then I was going to make her dinner and bring it back and eat supper with her.  Those were my favorite days.

I got there and we chatted for a moment and she looked me square in they eyes and she asked me if I had slept any the night before.  She always knew when I hadn’t slept…always.  I guess this day, I must have looked pretty darn bad.  I just smiled and told her I was fine and that I would get some stuff started for her.  I stood up and she promptly told me to sit my butt back down in my chair.

I sat down and I looked at her and I asked her what she needed.  She had a since of urgency in her voice when she told me to sit down.  She just smiled and said for the next 15 minutes, I was going to sit there….be quiet….and close my eyes.  I laughed at her.  I mean, I laughed.  I told her that I was there for a visit.  I wanted to visit.  I wanted some wisdom and I needed to get some of her stuff done.  She told me the stuff can wait and so can the visit, but I was not to speak or move.

Well, I leaned back, propped up the feet and I eyeballed the clock.  I would do as she said, but if I didn’t….she’d get me, but I was not going to enjoy it and I was not going to sleep.  Well, about 45 minutes and a ton of drool later…my eyes popped open.  I was disoriented, I had no idea what was going on or where I was.  I looked at her with this frightened look and there she was….in all her wisdom and beauty….just smiling.  She asked how I felt and, frankly, I felt like a million bucks.

I could not believe I fell asleep without the aid of meds or a fan but command from the greatest human ever.  It was glorious.  She explained to me that she was worried about my constant moving and going and doing…that I needed to stop and regroup or I would be sick and then I would be of no help to anyone.

I took her message to heart.  I began, initially, claiming Sundays as a day of rest (literally).  After church, I would come upstairs…take off my makeup….change my clothes and pile up in bed.  I would watch movies, play on the computer, clean my room, or nap.  Bart would buy Chinese and I would not come out of my room all day long.  Somedays, I just laid here…I would listen to praise music and just pray.  I still do that, to this day.  I used to feel guilty and now….I realize it makes me a better human.

Since that time, I have extended my self-care attitude.  I, occasionally, get a massage.  I get out by myself sometimes.  I also head to bed about 8.  I don’t go to sleep, but I take a couple of hours to be responsibility free and just reset my internal clock.  There are nights when I take long, hot showers.  There are also times, I do face masks or hair masks cause I enjoy it.  I look at pictures, listen to music, text my friends, call my siblings or mom.

My kids can still come up here and chat, my husband comes up here to chat sometimes.  I still have a few critters up here and Hunter goes to bed at 9 and his bed is close to mine, so it isn’t like I lock the door.  I just sit….and be still.

I am not selfish.  I am not trying to get out of my parenting/wifely duties.  I stay up, more nights to play cards with my husband or those boys who have taken over my girls’ lives.  I am a mom of 7.  I parent about 11 kids.  I mentor, love, cook for, clean for, educate and haul all of these peoples.  I have 3 special needs kids…one with behavior issues, one low functioning and with learning disabilities, and then Hunter with OMS.  I am tapped out by the time supper is over.

It does not make, us as women, wrong to go to our rooms and let our husbands take the reins of parenting.  In fact, it makes me better.  It builds relationships that might not otherwise be built if I’m always in the room.  Let’s face it…my husband and I could be sitting RIGHT NEXT TO each other and every single time there is a question or a problem, the kid comes to me.  Every.  Single.  Time.

Daddy needs to know that our penis is bunched in our new superman underwear.  Daddy needs to know that the squirrels ate the wires in the car. Daddy needs to answer the bazillon questions that arise with one of our kids.  Daddy needs to tell a certain boy that poop goes in the potty and not in his pants.

I’m happy to let daddy to ALL the things……….while I just chill.

Everyday

That Moment When

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When you have stood all that you can stand?

When you have had enough of doctors who think they are God?

When you are tired of your kids fighting?

When you think you are going to run down the road naked, screaming at the top of your lungs if you hear or see one more piece of craptastic news?

When you don’t have the strength to care if anyone is fed?

When you have just had it?

Here is my moment.

Instead of flipping out…..

I put on a seaweed anti-stress mask.

Did it help?

No…it made my face itch.

But….

I am still a looker!

Am I right or am I right?