Category Archives: Adoption

When Life Gives You Lemons

When Life Gives You Lemons

Squeeze the Crap Out of Them and Smile

When Life Gives You Lemons, squeeze the crap out of them and smile.  Today has been an emotional one for me.  There has been nothing spectacularly bad happen, just somedays, the magnitude of everything hits me.

Mondays are therapy days and we are SO blessed to have such a great team of therapists that work with Hunter every single week.  They keep a smile on their faces and they encourage Hunter (and me).  We all work well, as a unit, to accomplish the greater goal of seeing Hunter succeed.

Heading to Horse Therapy at Cassidy’s Cause

Tears flowed, as we headed to therapy today.  I just couldn’t keep it together and I can’t stand it when I’m overly emotional.  Hunter was good, ready to go, and happily singing to the music we were playing.  I, however, just let the waterworks flow.

We got there and our OT came with a smile on her face and new blocks to play with.  We worked on getting his Theratog on (what a crapfest that thing has been) properly.  Then, towards the end of the session, I asked the unthinkable.

Do you believe this is helping him?

Our OT is phenomenal.  I mean tenderhearted, great at her job, sincere, loving, God fearing…she is awesome.  She said what I was already feeling.  I believe this is what makes our team good.

She knows the flu season is coming and Hunter cannot get sick.  As well as, she sees the ebbs and flows of his condition.  All the way, teaching me techniques and toys that can help him.  We discussed just taking a break.  She knows I need it.  Just a mental break.  There is also the knowledge that we do work with him here.

Next Up:  Speech

Our SLP is the bomb.  She is firm but good.  The diligence of this woman and how she thinks outside of the box, for Hunter, amazes me.  We had the same conversation, only this time, I lost my composure.

She quietly asked if I wanted to go to another room and then I just sat there and cried.  The kindness this woman showed me humbles my heart.  As she said, “I even buy the good tissue for moments like this.”  LOL.  Another God-fearing woman in this facility.  She walks it and talks it.

We talked about what the OT and I talked about and she agreed.  Again, we are going back in January, but she knows that I’m so tired.  We have worked so hard and the ebbs and flow of ATLD1 is just a beast.

Tony Stark

Last up, is PT.  Tony…I am his fangirl.  He is simply the best PT we have ever met and we have met several.  Tony Stark is not his name, but that is the name that Hunter gave him from day 1.

He is our Ironman.  He has let me sit and cry, while he plays music in the background.  I kid you not.  We have brainstormed, tried new techniques.  I’m not afraid of his suggestions and he is open to mine.

Tony has taught me a level of patience I didn’t think existed.  He loves Jesus, his wife, and his boys.  He loves theatre, music, acting, dancing and his talent for working with his patients is amazing.

Again, he agreed.

horse therapy

Coming Soon

Well, January to be exact.  We are taking a break from our 3 hr per week therapy sessions.  In January, we will come back, retest and regroup.  I am hoping to be refreshed.  Hunter will *almost* be 5 by then.  I’m hoping that he will have gained some weight, as well.

Until then, we are going to be going to Cassidy’s Cause.  It is a Horse Therapy in our local town.  As Jesus would have it, Hunter will get to be in the same class as his sister.  He will get to see her, his brother, and his Mamaw.  There is a strong possibility that his Jojo and Papa will be there too.

Our big kids get to go and volunteer so this will be an all-encompassing family outing every week for an hour.  I’m thrilled at how this will help Hunter with his core and strength.  It will also strengthen the bond between siblings, grandparents, and great-grandparents.

Kick Some Butt

When he comes back to his Power of 3 team, in January, he will kick some butt!  He will show the doctors that he will grow, succeed, and beat this terrible condition.  God is good.  I’m so blessed with the people that have come into my tribe to help my boy.  Until then, we do horse therapy and watch how his ataxia improves.

When Life Gives You Lemons:  Related Posts

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Series

The Ache of Reality

 

 

Making Peace With the Past

Making Peace With the Past

Man…those are heavy words.  Making peace with the past.  Heavy.  I have a weight that sits on my chest that I have never fully released or forgiven, for that matter.  It is something I NEVER talk about but I choose to hold this subject so close to my heart.  Infant loss through some unethical choices of others is so very hard.

Loss.

Loss of my children.

The pain of having children *ripped* out of your arms.

Pain of dealing with the choices of another.

Two Babies.

The heartache is unspeakable.  I can close my eyes and still feel my children being ripped from my arms.  I can hear them screaming for me.  The animalistic sounds that were being made, were being made by me.  It was almost like an out of body experience.

Then, a year later almost to the date, I see them again.  I stand there, with this lump in my throat.  The realization of the age that my children were taken.  They were 2 and 1.  They were only with me for a short time, they would *never* remember me.

I tentatively walk to where they are and I just stand there, staring.  I don’t want to speak because I have 2 fears.  One that they will not remember me.  The other is that they will remember me and wonder where I have been.

As I squatted down, I said “babies.”  They looked up and they saw me…they ran to me saying “mama” and hugged me.  My heart lept and sank at the same time.  That same evil woman, who took them the first time was there, and her evil continued.  She took them out of my arms again.

I could not bear it, so I left the facility where we were at.  The next year, I did not even go because I knew they would be there.  Bart went, they didn’t know him, he got pictures.  The last images I have of my children.

Etched in my brain.

Forever.

I do not know where they are.  I do not know if they are safe.  They are 12 and 14 now, I always remember.

Walker + One

Then, there was a time that I met a lovely young woman.  This young woman was pregnant.  She chose our family to adopt this little boy.  He was due in December of 2012.  We named him Walker.  Unfortunately, due to circumstances, this young lady made another choice, at an advanced stage of pregnancy.

I can close my eyes and see this little blonde-haired, blue-eyed little boy.  He was due at around the same time that we were picking up Jude.  She knew that we knew that and it was all good.  We were going to have 2 new boys…one 6 and one newborn enter our lives.

We only brought home one of those boys.  The other sits on the lap of Jesus, with another child that we loved and planned for but again, due to choices…

And the Last Boy

Then one more little one that we wanted to love and care for, so deeply.  We wanted to give him a future, safety, security, and love.  The system chose to return him to an unsafe environment and now we don’t know anything.  Again, our hearts broke.

Sigh.

I have got to let this go.  Forgiveness is not about giving permission for these people to hurt our family.  It is to rid myself of the venom that the devil is happy to let stew on my stomach for 12 years.

I don’t have to tell these people I forgive them.  By forgiving them, I do not have to forget my children.  I can still love them, cherish them, and miss them.  Pray without ceasing.  Lord, help me forgive the people in these situations.  Help me to hold onto my memories, my dreams, and my ideas of what could have been. Lord, help me to pray for, bless, and love the people that have hurt us.  Most of all, Lord, help me to forgive because I must give thanks in ALL circumstances according to Your Word.

Release.

Release the memories, the pain, the negativity, and the unforgiveness.

God loves all these children more then I can comprehend.

Unforgiveness…not today, Satan.  Not today.

Today, I CHOOSE to forgive.

Related Posts:  Making Peace With the Past

Foster Care System: From a Teen’s Perspective

A Glimpse into the Power of Forgiveness

A Moment I Won’t Soon Forget

Oh My Word Becky

Oh. My. Word, Becky

Rainy Days

Oh, my word, Becky, it has already been a day and it is only 2 pm.  It has rained all weekend, and that is not a bad thing.  Well, the flooding part is not great, but the rain was much needed.

I love listening to a gentle rain on our metal roof.  The sound makes me want to just stay in bed and snuggle up with a warm cup of chicken broth.  Alas, this was not what my day entailed.

Therapy

We (meaning Hunter and me) had to get going to therapy, this morning.  OT, SLP, and PT is about 35 minutes away, so we had to hustle.  With the rain, it is hard to hustle because, at some points, I could not see the road.

He did really well, in therapy.  I got teary watching him struggle, though.  It is hard for me to think that this is the only life he remembers.  He does not remember being a healthy, busy toddler.  Shaking, compensating for his shaking, that’s what he remembers.

I had to call it a day during PT because he began drooling.  Drooling is a sign that he has overdone it and that his body is fixing to shut down.  Once the drooling starts, the belching begins and then we are done for the day.

I hate this condition.

Coming Home

Heading home, I decided I would stop and get him lunch.  It was already afternoon and he had had a couple of peanut butter power bites, but he was hungry.  I stopped by Burger King and prepared to get him a salad (his choice) but at the last minute, he wanted a burger.

He ate the burger and my fries, on the way home.  I had forgotten his sippy cup so he could not have his juice.  He can’t hold those little packets of juice to his face, squeeze and drink at the same time.  That is just too much for him.

How sad is that?

Once Home

Kids are doing their schoolwork, though one of my children “forgot” that he lied about doing some work, from last week.  Now, I grade everything at the end of the week, except the Bible.  That, I ask where they got too and they tell me.

This particular child stated that XYZ was done, so when I asked him again today (to make his new schedule), he suddenly realized that he lied to me and now he is backtracking in a  big way.

So, he sits, thumbing through his Bible to see where he actually stopped and how big of a lie he decided to tell me.

I can’t even.

Shaving a Cat’s Butt

In the midst of Lie-Gate, I decided that Karole (our cat) needed her butt shaved.  She was getting a bit unruly and since she is older than dirt, she smears on her fur.  I really just wanted to make a safe exit from point A to get point B on the mat without smearing it from here to high heaven.

Have you ever shaved a cat’s butt?  It was not one of my best moments.  I have a kid crying because he needs someone to feed him his applesauce, one kid crying because they lied, one rushing through and washing every dish known to man (I have no idea why), and one jumping up and down because they lost 1 lb…then, there is Karole, her butt, fur flying, and a turd smeared.

Good times.

In the Midst

I received a sad email from my niece, my youngest son’s biological mom.  Broke my heart.  My heart is heavy for one of my nephews.  I am missing my Lady like crazy and her one year anniversary is sneaking up on me.  Plus, there is supper to cook, things to put back on my wall, baseboards to paint, a house to clean, and so on.

For now, I will finish shaving the cat’s butt.  I am having said child reread what he already “read.”  I turned the diffusers on, so my house may be dirty, but it smells good.  I will delegate the paint of the baseboards to Alyssa when she gets home.  There is an email that I will be sending to my niece and prayers that go up for my nephew.

I will wipe the drool, wipe my tears, love my God and trust that His ways are higher than my ways.  There will be no running down the road naked, screaming at the top of my lungs.  Not today, Becky, not today.

Lasagna Soup

Cheeseburger Soup

 

Fall is Finally Here

Fall is Finally Here

Fall is finally here and guess what?  It brings the rain.  That’s okay, we need it and I love a good gentle rain with a nice breeze.

Waking UP is Hard to Do

This morning, I woke up with a start.  I never heard Hunter make all the sounds that Hunter makes when he is up. Going to bed too late, taking 2 Aleve for a toothache, and the rainy day made me oversleep.

When I looked at the clock and it is 10!  Next, I turned over and saw Hunter staring at me.  Then, I turned back over and Big Daddy was still in bed, with his breathing machine on.  I had a brief moment of panic.

Then I Realized

It was Saturday.  We had nowhere to go, nothing planned, nothing to do.  Hunter did not necessarily need a nap, so allowed my body to relax again.  Big Daddy got up with Hunter and I fell back asleep.

This time, I woke up at 11:30.  It was really nice.  Well, that part was nice and then I had a meltdown.  Hunter came back upstairs to snuggle.  I realized, as he lay next to me, his body was shaking.

My Heart Began to Ache

We have done all that we know to do.  He has a Neuro that says nothing can be done.  There is a “movement” specialist, who just wants to observe him.  The FL dr, who is so expensive (but worth it).  Then there is the Amish dr who prescribes these horrible tasting herbal remedies.

Let’s not forget the Theratog, the weighted vests, the special diet, the vitamins, the chemo, the IVIG, and the ACTH.  That would be awful to forget those things.  We have had him prayed over, blessings released over him, people come over to pray for him.  There are strangers who see him out, ask his name, and say they will pray for him.

Yet

God does not move.  Maybe He is moving and the flesh of my eyes just cannot see Him.  All I see is shaking.  I see him falling.  Him wanting to feed himself, but can’t.  My eyes move to him trying to get a drink and blooding his lip because he shakes so badly.

I do not see God moving.  Maybe I’m not looking hard enough.  Selfishness, maybe I’m selfish because I desire him to live a normal 4-year-old life…yet he doesn’t.  Lack of faith could be an answer for me.  Hunter has faith, I know that.  There are people around me who have faith, but maybe I lack it.

Sigh

I have to remind myself that I may not “see” God moving.  Somewhere, though, He is because that is His promise.  Refocusing is what I need to do.  I do not see the wind, yet it is windy today.  I can go outside and *feel* the wind on my face.

That could be it.  I need to *feel* Him again.  Anger has hardened me, in some way.  It makes me not want to feel anymore because not feeling is easier.  Emotionless, that is how some people describe me.

What You Don’t Know

Is that I’m overly full of emotion.  I just don’t show it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that passes me by.  Emotions are kept close to my heart.  When I feel safe, I can release them.  Most of the time, I do it alone.  Just me and God, having it out, lots of yelling (mainly by me).

Occasionally, Big Daddy will catch a glimpse.  Rarely, do my kids see it.  They have enough of their own stuff, in dealing with Hunter’s condition.  I will not let them see me lose my crap.  My job is to comfort them and encourage them.

New Season

A new season is upon us.  I’m excited.  The cool, crisp air of fall is my favorite.  I can still picture, driving up my grandparent’s hill, seeing Grandaddy sitting on the porch.  He’d have his jacket on, with the collar pulled up and his hat pulled down.  His eye would narrow on the cars that were passing by beyond the hill.  He loved the fall.

The old is passing away and it gives everyone a chance to just rest in the quietness of life.  Then, with spring, comes new life and new beginnings.  I encourage you all, to bloom where you are planted.  Where the Lord plants you is created perfectly for who you are and what He has planned for you.

5 Unexpected Ways Starting Over Can Make Your Life Better

5 Unexpected Ways Starting Over Can Make Your Life Better

5 Unexpected Ways Starting Over Can Make Your Life Better

These are the 5 unexpected ways starting over can make your life better. After a *rough* start (and finish) to my day, I decided to just begin again.  As I sat in my bed, crying, I felt the Lord impress on me.  These are some simple things that I (and you) can do that can make my life (and the lives of my children) better.

  1. Hug your difficult child.
  2. Give encouragement, even if it is through gritted teeth.
  3. Pray often.
  4. Smile more.
  5. Begin again.

Choose to start over.

A new book.  Chapter 1.  Page 1.

It is NEVER too late to begin again.

Do NOT feed into the lies of Satan.

You are NEVER “too far gone.”

NEVER too old.

You will not be sorry.

God.  Is.  Bigger.

Inspirational and Encouraging Bible Verses

Cut it, Grind it, Make it into Ash, Burn It

 

The Ache of Reality

The Ache of Reality

2016. Eating Out. Before he got sick.

2017. Over. It. After a treatment.

2017. Over. It. After a treatment.

 

Reality

I find myself, lately, with the ache of the reality of what surrounds our family.  Literally, my heart physically hurts.  I find myself going about my day and then all of the sudden, tears begin to flow freely.  I am not in control of this, sadly.  If I were in control, I’d stifle those suckers in an instant.  It is uncontrollable and unexpected.  I do not enjoy these moments.

Hunter is better.  He is still walking, most days.  Some things, he can feed himself.  There are days when he can hold a pencil (with assistance).  On a good day, he can sit on the potty (almost by himself).  There are things he can do, part ways.  Also, there are things he can do, all the way, occasionally.  Every day is a day and every day is different.  I never know what to expect day in and day out.

Remembering

What spurred these emotions on was sorting through my external hard drive, one day.  I was organizing the 10s of thousands of pictures that I have had since 1994.  I was looking through my pictures/videos of 2015 and 2016.  In 2015, Hunter moved in with us in November.  He got sick on June 6, 2017.  I had almost 2 years of him being a healthy, typical, little boy.

Those days, I don’t remember or a time when he was not sick.  This realization cuts me to the core because I do not know what our future holds.  It is so scary to even think about.  Will he ever walk without assistance?  Will he ever feed himself?  Dress?  Do schoolwork?  Go to college?  Have a family?  Hold a job?  I know, I know, he is only 4.5 years old…but time marches on, now doesn’t it.

I find myself questioning God and the why’s of it all.  Hunter has already endured *so* much in his little life before he came to us.  He saw so much hurt, pain, violence, neglect and now this.  Why can’t he just be?  Why can’t he just live a normal life?  What more does this baby have to go through?

Then, I hear this one question rolling through my mind, like on a carousel.

“If I never heal him…will you still love me?”

That question is so easy, yet so hard.  It is easy because, of course, I will still love Him.  He is my Savior and my foundation.   The knowledge that He is my Alpha and Omega is overwhelming.  Yet, that love comes at the sacrifice of my son’s health and possible continued deterioration.  I want my son to be healed and to be okay.  It is my desire to see him have a full, healthy future.  Reality is, is I don’t know what his future holds and it makes me angry.

Anger is secondary to fear and sadness.  I fear that I will lose my son.  There is fear of people making fun of him, him getting hurt, or having to go back to the hospital.  I am sad because there is no treatment.  There is no medication, no protocol, no help or knowledge available.  Fear and sadness can overwhelm me if I allowed it too.  In having a propensity to depression, I have to be so mindful of my mental state in all of this.

Hope

It has been prophesied over me, my family, and Hunter that HOPE is the key word in our journey.  I have HOPE in the circumstances that we are going through.  This HOPE can only be found in the arms of my Jesus.

I’ve been super angry with Jesus, through all of this.  The love for Him has not changed, but I am angry (remember, fear/sadness).  Last night, we had a meeting…Jesus and me.  This meeting happened after Big Daddy prayed over me and I was fixing to go to bed.

When I came out of the bathroom, I saw my very still son, sleeping peacefully.   I sat by his bed and held his little hand.  There were no words spoken and no thoughts in my head.  I just sat there, in silence, staring at him, holding his hand.

The Floodgates Opened

There was so much that was said, so many tears that fell, and finally…peace.  I can, officially say, not just with head knowledge but with heart knowing that I will still love my Jesus if Hunter never is healed.  Hunter just being alive, has brought together our family in a way I never dreamed it would come together.

He has shown people perseverance in the face of pain and uncertainty.  When he smiles after IVs, chemo, IVIG,  ACTH shots, after traveling for hours/days, and long hospital stays, it melts your heart.  There may be a moment when he cries but then he tells whomever “thank you.”  Amazingly, he has shown grace through his misdiagnosis’ and he has shown tenacity in his ability to compensate for his deficits.

Snuggling

As we were snuggling, in bed, last night, I asked him if he was going to be better.  I didn’t allude to his illness or anything else.  I thought he would respond according to his behavior because it has been less than stellar.  He looked up to me and said “Yes.”  He said, “I’m going to stop shaking.”

Hunter has hope, therefore, I have hope.  We know Whom our HOPE is built on and we will love Jesus, regardless of if He heals him on this Earth or if He heals him on the other side of Heaven.

My Hope is Built on Nothing Less

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

Happy 12th Birthday Jude

Happy 12th Birthday Jude

Happy 12th Birthday Jude

12 Fun Facts

  • First name:  Israel.  (Named by Noah)
  • Middle name:  Jude  Second middle name:  Abinet.  (Named by his birth mom)
  • Brothers:  Tibebu, Ephraim, Noah, Daniel, and Hunter
  • Sisters:  Victoria,  Alyssa, Grayce, Tinsae, Tamenech, and Birtukan
  • He will be home 6 yrs in December
  • Sports (and cards) #beast
  • Loves to watch me cook
  • Smile:  Lights up a room
  • Preciousness:  Unmatchable
  • Single-Sided Deaf
  • BAHA surgery
  • Smart and Talented

This child was prayed over by more people then I can even imagine.  His adoption story is one of sanctification.  It humbles me to even think back on our journey.  We are blessed.

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy.

I love your face off.

Happy 14th Birthday Daniel

Happy 14th Birthday Daniel

Happy 14th Birthday Daniel

14 Things To Know

Favorite food:  spaghetti.

My only dyslexic child.

Running is your sport.

Absolutely brilliant at lego construction.

Favorite subject:  history.

You know any and everything about every war that ever happened in the history of ever.

My only Pica child.

There is an intense love of all things that involve the armed services, police work, or firefighter work.

Favorite past time:  giggling at your own jokes.

Reading is a great love, though it is a great struggle.

You are *this* close to being taller than me.

You are a fish in the water.

Your foot is ginormous.

Your legs are uber long, but your waist is t-tiny.

We love you.

 

A Twinge in the Air

Image result for twinge

Twinge:  “A brief experience of an emotion, typically an unpleasant one.” Did I wake up with the slightest feelings of twinge-ness (is that even a word?  Yep, I did.  There was a distinct twinge in the air.  No reason for that twinge, other than spending over 3 hrs at the ATT store last night.  That was good.  Fun times.  So.  Much.  Fun.

I slept well, once I fell asleep.  There was not a moment that I got up, even to pee.  Hunter stayed asleep.  Score 1 for Trazodone (though our next feat is to get him off of that).  Still, there was a twinge.

I got up, hustled around and got a few things done.  Kids were up, eating and doing chores.  Hunter was ready to take his boatloads of supplements/juices/meds.  Once all that was done, I realized that we did not go to the grocery, last night.  Therefore, there was little to nothing to eat.  That also meant, that after I chiropractor visit, I had to go to the said grocery store.  I would also be hauling 5 of my kids with me.

Let’s all just have a moment.

Five children.  Grocery store.  Walmart, at that.  Enough said.

Walmart Clicklist

Hello beautiful!  I had been doing that, lately because it saves me a ton of money. I am all about saving money and becoming debt free.  This particular week, Big Daddy and I were going to make a date night out of the ATT store, Walmart, and dinner.  ATT had other plans, so our meal consisted of eating a Papa John’s pizza in the van and zero groceries.

Luckily, we have eggs for breakfast (thank you chickens), and I thought I would just bundle all my “to do” things into one morning.  Yep.  That didn’t happen.  I thought well if I go to the chiro, bank, and consignment store to drop off a receipt, I will just pick up some lunch at a fast food place (we have nothing here for lunch).

Nope, due to the fact that fast food is killing America, I opted out of that.

Quest

In my quest to do all the things, I thought I could whip up my grocery list, to be super efficient.  While doing said whippage, I checked to see if there were any available times to do Clicklist and pick it up today.  I scored!  There were some evening slots available, so I hoped onto Wal-Mart Clicklist and out added all my grocery (and non-grocery) items to it.

Bam.

It was FINISHED.

By doing that, I was able to get all my little bits of running, a mini lunch run at the Walmart deli and all my little peeps were happy.  Big Daddy was happy because he didn’t have to do the pickup.  It’s all good, man.

Part 5: *Whatever* May Come My Way

Hope…..my theme word since May 2015.  Hope showed back up on July 8, 2018….B and I were late for church again (let us have a SHOCKER moment), luckily, he left the kids and me off at the door.  That allowed us to find a seat (in front of our favorite humans, Mr. Cliff and Ms. Jan.  While the kids sat down, I scurried Hunter off to his class.  For the purpose of playing with his “brother” and then I could sit in peace for a few minutes.

Well, God is the God of peace, but He also has an agenda.  As sweet Grace was doing worship, she started a song that I had never heard of “Come What May.”  Gracious.

Come What May:

In death and life, I follow You
In every season, this be true
‘Cause I chose this path and I made this vow
And I will never turn around

Nothing can hold me back from Your love
I’m following You, Jesus
Whatever may come my way

To live is Christ, to die is gain
I give it all for love’s true name
It brands my heart, and now I will rise
To bear the name of Jesus Christ

Nothing can hold me back from Your love
I’m following You, Jesus
Whatever may come my way

Come what may, I will obey
‘Cause I find my joy in bringing You praise

I will obey You, God, whatever man may say 
I stand on promises I know my God has made 
With no regrets in me, my lips will praise Your name 
And though the earth gives way, I will not be afraid 

‘Cause You are the Lord of Lords, You open every door 
You stand in victory, and now my heart is Yours 
I will trust in You, God, and I will not be moved 
When persecution comes, I choose to stand with You

I bolded what stopped me in my tracks.  Again, my head was down, I was singing in my spirit and then when those, unexpected verses (still, I did not know this song) came on…..my body started to react, and my hands were flying up in the air worshipping Jesus.  I almost, just almost, stood on the chair to get closer to God (kind of like southern women who make their hairs real big….the bigger the hair, the closer to God status).

In A Moment

In a moment, I looked over and saw Richie (our pastor) standing by Bart.  He asked if we would be willing to share our testimony about what has been going on.  We said yes, but my mind (flesh) was screaming…I have nothing to say.  I mean nothing is in my head. What on earth?

Things have been tough around my neck of the woods.  Every single child is struggling with something, as are Bart and I.  Our marriage is strained, our minds are twisted, we are feeling very alone, unloved, and with all that is going on……..we still have the massive needs of Hunter.

When this song was over, Richie said that he felt like the Lord was leading him to ask us to speak because man is telling us so much…yet we are trying so hard to seek His face.  There are days, when I seek His face, with my eyes shut.  You know, when children play hide and seek…if their little eyes are closed, they can’t see you and you can’t see me, but we can turn our heads to a voice….that’s kind of like the life we all had been living.

The Baseball Cap…Let Hope Arise

Hope

Finally, we have answers to our medical questions, in regards to Hunter.  Yet, his doctor is still trying to get us to nail jello to a wall.  First, he has strep, then he has Cerebellitis, then there is the diagnosis of OMS, next is possibly has SCA. Un the end, he has 1 copy of the MRE11A mutation on gene 11, which correlates with ATLD1, then he has degenerative ataxia of unknown etiology.  Blah blah blah blah.  I am SO sick of listening to the voice of man dictating every aspect of Hunter’s life.  Sick.  Of.  It.

As we got up there, we made it through the testimony….only to be blindsided by a baseball cap……

 

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