I tell my kids, often, that I would rather them try 1000 times and fail then to never try at all. Yet, I do not take my own advice. Funny, how I lay here, in my bed at 12:14 am, and think these things.
There are many conversations that I have, with myself….sometimes I even answer myself back 🙂 I was thinking about my daddy, today. How proud I am of him. How much I love him. How his marriage with my mom are marriage goals (sometimes). How dedicated he has been to his career….even to a fault, almost. How he turned his life around. How he overcame a stroke and quadruple bypass surgery. How he loves my mom well. How he cares for us kids. Today is the 20th anniversary of a tragedy that struck our community. This event changed my daddy….to the core and what was anger at that, many moons ago, yields intense respect for him now. I get it. I understand, as much as I can since he was there and I wasn’t. I lived it through his eyes….as best as he would let us because he is so guarded.
Then, in that same post, I mentioned my brother. My brother is 10 yrs older than me. He would, in a heartbeat, lay down his life for me or my children. I have no doubt about that but we have never been close. We love each other, yes….our family is more of a tribe and we unite when we need to unite. He loves differently than I love. We are just 2 different people. We do not see eye to eye on so many things, but today, watching the dedication on television of a new memorial dedicated to this event…..my brother worked on that. He went early and he stayed late. He was chosen to be a part of history in our community, yet no one will know the names and the faces of those who worked so hard to bring honor to those hurt and lost. He was one of those people. I had such pride at the knowledge of what he does for a living and how talented he is….while barely saying a word about it…..he remained silent. Never complaining. I wish we were closer. I wish he could see me in a different light and that he could get to know me as an adult….who I am, what I am about, and what I believe in. I want to know the same things about him. It is what it is. He loves me and that is all I need to know……I love him and I hope he knows that.
So, while I was talking to myself….I thought….all I need to do is try. Succeed or fail, my parents taught me to give it my all. My mom gives it her all ALL the time. She never stops. Sick, wind, snow, snot, she is going and doing her best at all that she does. I need her, she is there. I have surgery, she is there. I need a body to make a long trip, she is there. I need fried chicken…she makes it and hides it. My children adore her (and my dad of course LOL) and I’m blessed that I can give the relationship with my parents that I had with my grandparents. Family. It is so important. As my daddy would say “when everyone else goes back to the barn, I will still be there.”
I am going to listen to myself and I’m going to step out of this intense grief, sadness, loneliness, irritation that I find myself in and I am going to try. I am going to try and be more present with my husband and children. I may even TRY golfing cause Big Daddy loves it. I want to play cards more and be on facebook less. I want to teach my kids how to run a home. I want to get involved in my church. Make efforts with my few friends. Dig back into Scripture. Lose the weight I’ve been talking about for 10 yrs now. I want to be the change that I want to see, in this world. Seriously, who is to stop me? If God is for this….no one can be against it.
I keep thinking 1/2 or more than 1/2 of my life is finished……..what am I going to do with the rest of it. Sit back and watch it flash by. Keep my nose in social media instead of my eyes on my children and husband? I may fail but as long as I do something daily to TRY, then I will call it a successful day. I have proven to myself that I can do something. I can stick to it and I can make a difference. We just paid our van off, last month….3 yrs early. We did this in 4 mths. We can do it. We can be disciplined.
I choose to try. I choose to believe in myself. I choose to allow God to work through my shortcomings and my depression to make a difference. I choose to continue to try and work on my relationships with my family….my brother. I choose to see 2 sides of the coin and try to understand different view points of a situation.
It comes down to this.
I. Choose. Joy.
Wanna come along for the ride?