Taking time out of my Ethiopian moment to have a reality check of the horrors…
When you have had a good day. You have worshiped Jesus with like minded believers. You have snuggled with your family, taken a good nap, got sugars from an amazing 3 yr old warrior…..and then, like an iron skillet to the face……it hits.
A wave of depression.
A wave of failure.
A wave of insecurities.
A wave of realities.
A wave of irrational thinking.
A wave of tears.
My Lady always fussed at me because of my “stoic” facade. She would always tell me, especially when she asked that I recount the moment when she had her stroke and the year or so afterward, because I would fight back those tears. She would hold my hand and just tell me to release my emotions….that it was cleansing to my soul and that there is no shame or judgement if I cried.
So I cried.
And she would hold my hand…hand me tissue…and then ask me to repeat the story.
We went through that routine about once a week until she got really sick…and then she stopped asking. I cried every single time. There was not a moment that I did not break down into tears.
When my Lady died….my person died….my confidante….my friend and what seemed like my only friend. I could jot over to her house in 3 minutes…..and be fulfilled and ready to tackle the world. I had a chair. I had space. I loved her ice cubes. I would crunch and she would advise. I would lay my head in her hands and know that I was loved, understood and prayed over. I had no one to cry too. I had no one that I could confide it. I had lost my person.
Psalm 56:8 says “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” How humbling is that that my Jesus (and your Jesus) collects ALL our tears in a bottle and He records them. There is not one tear that He misses. That humbles my heart.
I am still stoic, to a point…my mama always said she knows that I’m stuffing stuffing stuffing down my emotions until there is one little thing that breaks me and then WHAM I am letting it ALL out.
I texted her, late one night and all it said was “I love you, mama.” That was it. Nothing fancy, nothing indicating anything was wrong…just a simple statement. No more did I hit send and the phone was ringing….I rarely call her “mama” unless something is wrong and she is so tuned into me that she knows that she needs to diffuse, listen, encourage, pray and sometimes let me cry. She’s good like that. There are times when I just need her. I need her love. I need her support. I need her to listen. I need her to let me cry and then I need her to tell me to go and wash my face. I cannot or do not want to imagine my life without her and the unconditional love that she supplies me every single day.
Today was a good day. We had an excellent service. We came home and all was well…until it wasn’t. I had that wave roll over me and I sat, in my room, unable to breathe. I felt my tears welling up and I just pushed them down until I just couldn’t anymore.
Big Daddy came up and we laid down and I talked….he patted. I cried……he patted harder. I snotted……he patted even harder. I just told him how I felt like such a failure, as a wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend….how alone I felt. How I was 1/2 way to 80 and I have wasted my life. He, in his sweet self, informed me that I was *more* then 1/2 way to 80, that I was almost 1/2 way to 90. Good pep talk, Big Daddy….good….that comment made me cry even harder.
Then it all came bursting out like the water of a broken dam. What would I do if he died and he left me all alone? Why did I start watching a movie that I knew scared me and now I’m afraid spiders are in my bed? Why doesn’t he love me? Does he hate me? Do my kids hate me? I’m worthless. I’m useless. I have accomplished nothing in life.
Pity Party: Party of 1 please….your table is ready.
There is Truth that I MUST remember…..
What does Jesus say about me? In Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” If I want to get REALLY technical…I can throw it back to Genesis 1:27 with “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” I was created in the image of God. He created me to look like Him!
How crazy is that?
So, knowing that….why do I have these waves? I don’t know why I get in these funks. Maybe it is still working through the grief I feel, but then again, my Lady just recently went home….and these waves have come for as long as I can remember.
It is that battlefield of the mind…..satan has wreaked havoc on my emotions and mind. I have felt the closeness of Jesus all day long and then BAM….out of left field comes a wave of blech.
I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. He is a steadfast rock to my shifting emotional sand. I am thankful for new beginnings. I’m thankful for what Jesus did on the cross for me. I am thankful for Truths.
Tomorrow is a new day full of new beginnings.
We all have the same 24 hrs in a day. Will you allow satan to have a foothold in your thoughts or will you choose to capture your thoughts with the Truths of Jesus?