I posted something on FB the other day stating what all we had coming up, as a family. There was my surgery, Hunter’s IVIg treatment, Jude’s surgery, my daughter coming home after 22 weeks at military school, my Lady’s health, and the sentencing of my niece. A lady said that with all that, that means you are due a rainbow.
Well….rainbow…..it is time for you to show the heck up.
I *need* a rainbow.
Since about April or March of 2015…the Lord turned my life upside down and inside out. If it could go wrong, it went wrong. He took what I thought was a firm foundation and He shook it to the core of my being. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot but I’m over it and now I just want my rainbow…..I really really do.
When the first massive (and no I am NOT exaggerating) thing happened…..I thought my world just stopped spinning. I remember that day, like it was yesterday. I was doing some cleaning up of things and I came across something that took my stomach from its normal residence down to the bottom of my feet and then back up to the top of my head. I remember telling myself to “stay calm.” You do not know that this is true so do not make assumptions. I restrained myself when I called someone up to talk with me. The question I asked….the answer I got….then the truth came out. Then, I had to start all over with another person and do the same thing over again. I remember falling to my knees and making a noise that sounded like a wounded animal. I could not get my breath. I could not stop crying. I just crumpled myself while the other parties sat and looked helpless at the revelation. My heart was ripped out of my chest and shattered that day. The Lord has been gracious in putting my heart back together, but it will never be the same as it was that day.
Once I got my bearings about me, I ran out of the room and I got in my van and I headed to the one place that was my safety. My Lady’s house. I knocked on her door and I heard her yell “I’m coming!” I stood there….frozen. She opened the door and she just looked at me and I crumpled in her arms wailing. I could not even form words. She gently guided me to her dining room table and I laid my head in her hands….she never asked anything….she just simply prayed over me. Once I could pull myself together, I told her what had happened. She never showed emotion (other than her hurting because I was hurting)….she just loved me. She loved the people who had hurt me so deeply. She continued to pray and she called a beloved friend of all of ours and she simply said “can you please go here and do this and this.” Our friend never missed a beat…..he did what she asked. He knows everything and he has never ever judged or condemned any party. He has simply loved, counseled and prayed over everyone involved.
The love my Lady has for my family is unspeakable. It is pure, unconditional, and honest. Believe me, she cleans my clock when I am in the wrong and she does it with a smile on her face and Jesus in her heart. She is my person…….plain and simple. Her guidance, through this all, is why I still am where I am and why I didn’t allow satan to make a horrible situation even worse. I did not fall into the flesh and do what I wanted to do….I did as I was guided through intense prayer, accountability for all that was a part of this, ejecting things out of my life (though painful), and learning to live without those damn rose colored glasses…….
It has taken time to forgive….time I cannot get back but then again, the time was necessary in my healing process. A line was drawn in the sand, that day. A line that no party wants crossed because if it is crossed, the outcome will be way different than it was in 2015. Forgiveness is not about giving the people who hurt me permission to do so. It is about releasing the shackles from my feet so that I can dance. It is about not letting satan take a moment of flesh to dictate my, or the other parties involved, future. It is about being obedient to Jesus dying on the cross….forgiving with His last breath.
I still have moments of “what are you doing, what are you hiding, are you lying to me.” But they are fewer and further between. I am not perfect. I have to remind myself that I have forgiven, in Jesus’ Name, and I’m not allowed to throw this topic up when it suits me or when I want to feel “justified” about something. I am NOT a victim because I actively choose joy. I actively choose obedience. I actively choose to take that next right step, which is shown by the Light at my feet.
Once this issue was “resolved” (I say that in quotes because I still struggle, still have trust issues, still have nightmares but I believe I have forgiven)….our world was rocked again. Rocked in a sad heart tugging way that not many people truly understand….till tomorrow, friends and neighbors.