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Getting Ready for My Girl Party

I, hope, I am getting a hysterectomy on Friday!  I went to the dr about a month ago, with some issues.  I am one who struggles with admitting that I don’t feel well.  Power through, that’s my motto.  I also use the phrase “I’m fine” a lot.  I have not been to the dr in a couple of years for my physical.  I also have not been to the girly dr for about 5 yrs because, frankly, I thought I was crazy.

I went, I conquered and no one touched me.  Win Win.  I did, however, raise the concerns of my dr and he convinced me to come back, early and stay all day long.  All.  Day.  Long.  Staying at the girly dr all day long is much like the 7th level of hell.  Plus, it was hot in there….like residing in satan’s armpit, ya know.  Nice people.   Nice nurses.  Nice office.  Do NOT want to be there for that length of time.

I got there at about 10 (I procrastinated) and I went straight for this torture chamber of an office that detects whether I pee unwarranted or not.  Hell, I could’ve told them that.  I can’t walk, talk, laugh, sneeze, cough, turn over in bed without peeing a little bit.  It drives me bonkers.  Most women who have had children, vaginally, have this problem.  We all know the art of talk talk talk…..stop…..cross our legs…..sneeze…..pause to make sure you have stopped the flow….resume talking.

I got through the first level of hell when that was done.  I was done.  It was so bad, at one point, the sweet nurses who were torturing me moved out of the way cause I got tickled and they were prepared for urine to shoot across the room.  I crap you not.  (side note:  there was no crapping on my part LOL…praise God.)

I got out of there and I headed to get my blood work done.  I just realized I do not have the results from that…might need to call.

I had a mini break, so I thought about getting a tattoo while I waited, across the street.  They, sadly, were not opened.  I ended up treating myself to lunch because when you have all of Calloway County up in your business, one deserves to go out to eat.

Finished there and headed back to the dr.  I had an ultrasound down on my uterus.  Luckily, I knew the lady doing it so it made it much easier.  I have not had an ultrasound since I was pregnant with my son 16 yrs ago.  It was strange.  She put the stuff on my belly (shout out to the person who invented the slime warmer, it was glorious) and she put that thing on there.

She paused.

I sat straight up with a look of sheer panic.

I peed.

I guess the blood running out of my face was an indication that she needed to speak.

With a look of shock and awe in my face….I screamed “Is that a BABY’S HEAD in my uterus…I swear on my life if you turn that thing around and I see eyes and some tiny hand waving at me…I’m heading to meet Jesus.”

Then she laughed and said that no, it was not a head, but it was the size of a 23 weeks fetus.

I have a fibroid tumor.

Well, good freaking grief.

She congratulated me on my upcoming hysterectomy.

I left there…ready to vomit and I headed back to the gyn.  There he was, with a new torture device and that sucker had a camera attached to it.

I got in the “position” for a pap smear and I quickly realized that there was plastic EVERYWHERE.  I thought he was going to kill me and then wrap me up and dispose of me (I’ve been watching the Blacklist).

Then………he raised my bed to towards the ceiling.  Creepy and what happened next….well, let’s just say….hurt like nobody’s business.  He was doing a hysteroscopy to “scrape” the inside of my uterus to check for cancer.  He also inserted that camera that was the size of, I’d say, Canada.  Then, he had the AUDACITY to tell me what he saw.

As I was coming up off that table, I looked at him and said “listen….unless you want a wire hanger shoved up your spot and twirled around while we are SLOWLY discussing it, I’d suggest you get what you are going to get and get that thing out and put away.  I’m about to shove my foot up your nostril.”

He did what he needed to do and he profusely apologized for it being “uncomfortable.”  Uncomfortable is like stubbing your toe, accidentally eating a fly that was in your McDonald’s french fry holder, or stepping on a rusty nail.  This was NOT uncomfortable.  This straight up hurt.

He let me regroup and eat some candy to temper my anger and then he gingerly came back in.  He said that my tumor was huge and he, indeed, recommended the hysterectomy.  He also said that my urine thing was off the charts and I just peed unprovoked all the time….like massively.  Uhm, yep….I sort of already told him that.

Oh…just to say, I got my mammogram within the next few days!

All this being said, I’m getting my stuff out on Friday.  I’ve given myself a pedicure and took off all my polish.  I also gave myself a manicure.  I’ve got some freezer meals prepped and my mom insists on coming and my kids are taken care of.

I am SO beyond ready.

Girls….if you have your girly parts.  Take care of them and you.  Do not be stupid like me and suffer in silence, there is no reason too.  There is no shame and you are NOT crazy about how you feel.  You are important.  Eat well.  Exercise.  Get plenty of rest.  Go to the girl dr, the regular dr, the eye dr, and the dentist regularly!

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