When you have never struggled with depression, you will truly not understand it, no matter how I can describe it. For me, when I get in a funk, I fall into self doubt, I like to sleep, not get out of the house, I do not answer the phone, I do not get dressed, I feel like I am in a well and when I look up, I can see a faint light that looks like it has a bit of a fog over it….I get angry.
I had a great childhood. My parents, extra parents, and grandparents were wonderful. My feelings began to come to light in grade school. I couldn’t seem to keep up with my school. I struggled and was isolated by my teachers because of my struggles. I was separated from my peers and put in a “special class” and that caused them to treat me way differently. I was made fun of, a lot. I was picked on….laughed at….No one wanted to be a friend to the girl in the “special” class. When we got into middle school, I was further ostracized. I didn’t wear the right clothes, say the right things, belong to the right group of people, therefore, I was targeted even moreso than I was in grade school. High school was even worse. I became very bitter and angry. Some things had come to light, in my life, and I harbored such anger and bitterness towards my parents and pretty much anyone that was around me. I retreated into my own little world.
I really have no desire to tread anymore into that aspect of my life because I do not want to hurt anyone and I’m teetering on the edge of falling into that pit, so I am listening to myself and stopping.
I can, however, say that depression has moved into my adult life and it has wreaked havoc on days, months and even years. The loss of children, the loss of my granny, loss of jobs, friends, churches, raising a difficult child, so much. My husband does not understand. In our early years, he ignored it…then he tried to fix it…now, he just lets me be and hugs me when I need it. It hurts him to see me hurt. He has been deeply concerned for me, at times in our marriage. I hate that I put him through that and my children.
I now use medication, writing, talking to him and my Lady to keep myself on the up and up. I still have days (or weeks) that I’m in a funk, but I try to take that depression and focus it outward. I try to find someone to serve to get my mind off of myself and onto helping others. I listen to praise and worship music (or 60s music). I hibernate in my room on Sundays and I do not parent that day. I pray, I read the Word….I am blessed that i know myself so much better now and I can see the triggers, I can feel those feels when they are coming and I can either allow myself to wallow in it or I can grab the rope and hang on.
I stumbled on this lady’s vlog awhile back. Her name is Itsjustkelli on youtube and I watched this vlog of hers…..I sat and watched it. I cried and agreed with everything she said and was feeling. It is only about 30 minutes, but it gives you insight into the minds of those who struggle with depression. Insight into Depression
Depression is real. It does not care about your social status, your money, your color, gender, sexual orientation, or your age…..people do not talk about it because of the stigma that surrounds it. Stop judging those who are having a bad day. They may look like they have it all together and then underneath the surface, they are unraveling. Be gentle and kind to others and if you notice something is not right, direct them to a counselor, friend, or pastor….this is the suicide hotline number. It is open 24 hrs a day. Live, love, hug, we are all trying to do life together….no one should suffer depression alone. Be a friend.