I feel like a failure, more days than not. A failure as a wife, a mother, and as a human being. I do or say things that I regret, instantly. I do/say them out of frustration, anger, fear, or sadness. I am aware of these things, yet I am powerless to stop them from ejecting from my mouth.
I wish I could say that I was compassionate, understanding, kind, generous, loving….but I’m not. Truly, I am not. I struggle with relating to the emotions of others. I snap in harshness and I cause pain. I see the disappointment in the eyes of my husband, my children, my parents and that disappointment stabs me in the heart and makes me fall to my knees.
Is there anything I can do to stop my insanity? Yes. I can pray. I can yield to the wisdom that knowledge brings. I can listen to that soft voice of the Holy Spirit that says “STOP IT.” Do I do any of those things? No. I allow the beast to permeate my body and I spew out hatefulness.
I live in fear that my children will only remember the harshness of me. They don’t see me, lying in bed, weeping for them. I weep for their hearts, their futures, their sadness, their disappointments. I cry myself to sleep, a lot of nights. I torment myself with thoughts of I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have done that. I went too far. I am destroying them. My heart is so heavy.
They will not know, until they choose to have children, the love that I have for them. I adore them so completely and I want the best for them. I want them to love the Lord with all their hearts, all their souls, and all their might. I want them to find their true love that only the Lord can bring to them. I want them to live life to the fullest and to always do their best. I want them to know that no one, on this earth, will love and adore them the way I do. I want them to be respectful, honesty, humble, kind…..all the things that I struggle with. I want these things to come easily for them.
I find myself asking, Big Daddy, most nights “if you could do it all over again….knowing who I really am….would you still choose me?” I don’t feel like I deserve the love that he gives me. I feel as if I hold him back in some areas because I am not good enough. I feel as if he deserve better.
My hurts are real. My fears are real. I must learn to stop. I must learn to listen. I must take every moment and every thought captive and replace it with truth. I cannot feed into the lies of the evil one.
I am human. I make SO many mistakes. I am loved by the One who created me and sustains me. I can say I am sorry. I can pray for the Lord to take away the negative memories of my stupidity in my children and replace them with laughter. I have to choose to believe that Bart was my gift from the Ultimate Gift giver. He was specifically chosen for me and I was specifically chosen for him.
My heart is heavy because anger got the best of me, today.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow is a new beginning.
Tomorrow, I will choose joy.
Tomorrow, I will choose to listen.
Tomorrow, I will hug my babies and tell them how much I adore them and love them.
Tomorrow…..I will remember to breathe in and breathe out.
Tomorrow, I will see the Beauty that comes from Ashes.
Say a prayer….it is needed.
Blessings and know that even when you feel unlovable or undeserving….Our Refuge, Our Strength, Our Jesus has loved you from before He created the earth until He returns and from His mighty return until eternity….You. Are. Loved. I. Am. Loved.