The Beast

Webster’s Dictionary tells me that the word DEFEATED is an adjective (an adjective being a describing word).  The definition of DEFEATED means “having been beaten in a battle….demoralized and overcome by adversity.”

Okay….so as I’m looking at this definition I wonder what the technical definition for ADVERSITY is.  ADVERSITY is a noun and it means “difficulty/misfortune.”

Today, I have been defeated….I have been beaten in a battle; demoralized by RAD.  I am exhausted….mentally, physically, and emotionally. There are two of my children who are exhausted, as well. I also know my family is tired.

It is not the same child that I normally write about….this is my other child…for those that don’t know, I have two…how freaking lucky am I?

There are two different type of RAD.  There is the disinhibited type and the inhibited type.  I’m blessed to have both types in two different children (go ahead…covet my joy….I know you want too).  I’m not making light of this, I’m giving it more credit than what it deserves, I’m not saying that I do not love my children because I do.  If I didn’t love them, I would have given up about 8 years ago and I would have said “not my circus, not my monkeys.”

Alas, they are my circus and they are my monkeys.  RAD does not define my kids.  It is something that they can’t help.  They did not sit, in utero, and say “oh my oh my…I know that I’m gonna rock my mamas boat and I’m going to lie, steal, kill and destroy every relationship I have.”  My children did not ask to be born.  They were chosen by the Holy One because He had a plan and a purpose for them.

His plan was not to have them deal with RAD.  The RAD was caused by any of these things…traumatic pregnancy, traumatic birth, neglect, abuse, etc.  There are other factors that can be involved, but these are the cause of RAD in my children.

This has been an unnaturally hard time.  It is SO hard for me to receive compliments on my children and their behaviors because in public, they are wonderful (please read, that I am THANKFUL that they are wonderful for others) but when I quietly say “thank you” I know the hell that will come when we are behind closed doors.



Self mutilation.









Home does not equal peace and I have allowed my feelings to be tremendously hurt.  As my wise friend said “your feelings are yours and it is up to you whether or not you allow someone to hurt them.”  I have allowed my feelings to be stomped on, today.

I have owned more than I should and I have allowed that beast, that is freewill, to reign in my life.  My heart is filled with chaos, frustration, irritation and the one thing I want to do is lash out.  My words have not been edifying and my actions have been hurtful.  I am ashamed that I allowed freewill to take the front seat in my life, today.

Christmas is supposed to be so full of joy and promise.  My Savior was born to save us all from our sins and to secure a place for us in heaven when He call us home.  How beautiful is that.  I know that, in my heart.  I also know that come November 1 till January 1, my home is a battlefield.  It is hard on two of my kids…not from their explicit memories (from age 3 and up) but from their implicit memories (those from birth to 3).  There was extensive trauma, neglect and abuse.  They lash out at the one person who has been there through thick and thin.  Me….It is so tiresome being the punching bag.  I used to think that I could “love them out of their behaviors” and then I wised up.

I can’t do anything.  I am powerless, but I have Jesus who lives in my that is my Strong Tower.  He is my strength when I am weak.  The enemy might surround me, but the enemy can never overtake me.  I should have remembered that, today.  Instead, I let satan have more glory than he should have and I succumbed to being someone who I am not.

I can make excuses all day long….but where there are lies, God’s Truth will come through.

 Lies We Believe (and Scriptures to Combat Them!)

1. I am not good enough. (You are a royal daughter of the King. 1 Peter 2:9)

2. There seems to be no way. This is impossible. (Jesus IS the WAY. John 14:6)

3. I might mess up their future. (God knows His plans for you to prosper YOU and not for evil or harm! Believe that! Trust in God! Jeremiah 29:11)

4. I am a failure. God doesn’t love me. (God SO LOVED YOU He sent and GAVE His ONE and only Son Jesus to die for your sins on the cross. There is no condemnation in Christ–You are healed by the blood of Jesus on Calvary. John 3:16)

Tomorrow is a new day.  A day of rest and I plan on resting….all day long.  I plan on seeking His face and I plan on remembering that He is still on the throne.  He love me.  He has forgiven me.  He loves my children.  He loves my children so much more than I do.  I will continue to make mistakes.  RAD will continue to invade our home.  I cannot control that.  I can control my reactions to the actions of my children.  I must fight the good fight….for my children, for my children’s children and for me and my sanity.

From Survival to Serenity: Educating About RAD


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