Adoption Series Question Answer
Here is the Adoption Series Question Answer that many people have asked me for. I hope you enjoy and feel free to continue to ask questions.
If you could nail down the top three reasons why you chose to adopt, what would they be?
We wanted boys and after two girls our chances were not so high and we did not want a ton of kids, so adoption is a good idea. And also motivated by population issues, which is not the norm in adoption.
For us, there is really only one reason we chose to adopt. Each time we have started an adoption, we have felt it was prompted by The Lord. We feel this is the way The Lord has chosen that we build our family. Adoption is not our second choice or third choice or backup plan.
For us, adoption was our first and only choice.
What is the one question you get asked, more times than not, and how do you respond?
Are they brothers? (We adopted two boys). Yes, they are brothers by adoption.
I was also asked a lot at first if they were twins. I would say, no they are 8 months apart. They would look at me in shock and say “how did you do that?” I would politely say adoption is a wonderful thing. But what I wanted to say is, can you not see that they are a very different race than I am and what a dumb question. Or sometimes I thought about saying, “it was a miracle!”
Why Didn’t You Foster to Adopt?
I have also been asked, why didn’t you use our foster care system? To which I answer, it was not feasible for us at the time. Which is true in many ways. This is not a question but the thing I HATE being told is “what a good thing you have done.” “Good for you rescuing a couple orphans, how generous.” or “they are so blessed to have you”. Many of these are followed with, I just could never do that. To which I respond, we wanted sons and we are blessed to have them. Charity adoption is, in my opinion, a bad reason to add to your family.
The most frequently asked question or opinion I get, sometimes even said in front of my child, is, “Why did you adopt overseas. There are a lot of children in the foster care system that need a home and it wouldn’t have cost you any money.” This is usually a lack of education on how adoption actually works. People imagine US children just sitting around in foster care while people are going to other countries to adopt…but, in reality, there are many people who chose to adopt domestically.
Foster Care Adoption Isn’t Easey
However, adopting from the foster care system isn’t as easy as just going to pick them up from the foster home and taking them into your home, and just because it is in the US doesn’t mean that it won’t cost anything. I know plenty of families who have been stuck in a domestic adoption battle for years, legal fees are killing them financially, meanwhile, the children are being dragged through the system.
What is the one question that you think should NEVER be asked regarding your adoption(s)?
No one should ask how much did they cost.
I agree with someone else who said that it is best not to complain about all the stuff people say. That being said, there are a few things that people have said to me that I believe are just not appropriate and I have had a hard time tolerating. The first is the comments about how if my children misbehave, I can always send them back to where they came from.
One person said I can always take them back to the store I bought them from. What bothered me the most is that both times I have heard this it has been said in front of the kids and I never want the kids to think I would ever send them back anywhere.
Lack of Sincerity in Comments on Adoption
The other thing that bothers me is those that comment that they can always call social services, the police, etc. to keep an eye on us- suggesting that the kids can get taken away. These comments have never been said to us for any reason. It has never been part of a conversation or any event- just something that someone will come up and say.
Disturbing Comments on International Adoption
What I find disturbing about all these comments I have pointed out is that they suggest the breakup of a family that I love so much and the last thing I want is for my kids to think that the family being broken up is a consideration. I would put these in the category of things to never say to an adoptive family, especially in front of the kids.
I would describe adoption as refining. Refining me as a person and my will, temperament, perspective and ideas of what it means to be loving, a family, a parent, etc. It stretches me further than I thought I could stretch. Also, it asks our family to see things outside of ourselves. Lastly, it calls us to be a bigger thinker than many around us tend to be. It asks me to love in ways I did not know I could love.
Laura S. is very passionate about addressing a myth that is very troublesome. That myth is adopting domestically is easier. She is spot on when she states that adoption, from anywhere, is very difficult. She states that she has yet to meet a person who has had a “flawless adoption” whether that is a domestic adoption or an international adoption.
When statements like this begin to flow, passions arise and the Mama Bear instincts kick in. This is completely understandable. It is hard, for me, to remain calm and reserved when people ask these questions in front of my children. Laura states “when there is genuineness…I have more tolerance. When it is just nosy, busybodies, I tend to not have much tact.”
Thoughtless Questions on Ethiopian Adoption
Laura is the same way! Here is her response to some insensitive people who ask personal questions with her daughter present “If this is said (see above about the myth) in front of my child, I often feel the need to stick up for her, as any mother would. Educating the person is the last thing that I feel like doing so I usually say, ‘Hi, this is my daughter Tigist. She was adopted from Ethiopia. She is standing right here…So what you’re really saying is because she is from another country her life has no value?’
Usually, the person just walks away because they don’t know what else to say. And when I really feel like being a jerk I say, ‘You’re right, there are a lot of kids in the US that need adopting, what are YOU doing about it?’
Most of the time when it is genuine, ‘I don’t get how the system works…’ I am more prone to explaining it.”
What is one thing you want the world to know about your family?
Why. Because we wanted sons and this seemed the surest way to have them without having a lot of children. We have two daughters.
Which are real. Well, we are an interracial family and so it is obvious when we are together. If not it is assumed that I am on a second marriage to a man who is of the same race as my sons. There is a big gap between the kids. I have never been asked this.
How much. We paid adoption fees to the agency for paperwork and personnel. We did not pay the orphanage for our children that would be illegal.
I believe my children were meant to be my children and the fact that we had to get united in a fashion other than birth does not change that. These are my children, they are my life. I have sacrificed a lucrative career and other things for my children and would do it again in a heartbeat. I love my children more than I ever thought I could love another human being. Adoption has blessed me way more than it has blessed my children and I am honored to be their mother
For more information on the participants adoption stories…please visit their personal blogs.
Jill K.: http://jkdcolorado.blogspot.com
Mandy Gerrald: http://mandyelise.com/what-one-family-wants-you-to-know…/
Warren Myers: http://warrenmyers.com/…/adoption-is-not-a-rescue-its…/