“And the wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws.”
― Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are
Oh, how I hate that word! I hate everything about the word and the crap that is associated with it. If you have followed my blog for any extensive period of time (if not, you can “search” the term depression in the side bar and read past posts), then you know that I battle this beast.
I have struggled with depression for many many years…starting as a teenager, hitting its peak during my 30s, tapering off a bit and now, I just have days (or weeks) of darkness.
This past week has been a week of darkness for me. I have retreated into my world and tried to let the outside just fade away. I am on auto pilot. I still do what I need to do, but my heart and soul just simply are hidden away in the dark recesses of this beast.
The last couple of days has been spent in my room…hiding from it all. I look at my husband who so desperately wants to help. I don’t know what to tell him because there is nothing that I can point too that is the rhyme or the reason behind this latest bout.
I see my children being overly happy and willing to do what needs to be done with little whining and no fighting.
As I came downstairs, one particularly bad afternoon, Boo met me at the steps and I asked him what he needed. He just looked at me and said that he wanted a hug. As he hugged me, he asked me “mom, are you alright?” I hugged him tight and said “no, I feel like I’m a failure at everything and I’m ruining everyone’s life.” (probably not something a mom should say). He just hugged me tighter and said “you are not a failure. you have not ruined anything. i love you.”
Seriously. He is 13.
My other children have been equally sensitive to the fact that I’m not all with it. They have picked up the slack with their little brothers, with the housecleaning and pretty much everything else.
As thankful as I am for such wonderful children and a wonderful husband…it irritates me that they are aware of this beast that lives in me. I do not what them thinking that the beast will live in them because I have had a discussion with the Lord and He HAS BROKEN that generational curse.
This beast will not live in my children or my children’s children. It is over with me.
Today, my girls came flying up the stairs (Sunday is my hibernate in the bedroom Chinese food and nap day) with a bag. They said “Pammy has been here and she left this for you!” Here they give me a Sonic coke, a bag of my favorite candy, a mug and to go in that mug…a big box of chicken broth. My faves.
She didn’t try to fix me.
She didn’t try to pull me out of anything.
She just gently reminded me that I am loved and this isn’t going to last forever.
He has given me prayer warrior friends who will pray without getting up all in my stuff.
I feel better. I’ve had a couple of really good naps and good nights worth of rest. I have sat at the foot of the cross reminding myself that God has me. He is not going to let this beast overtake me.
I am thankful that I have no allowed this beast to consume me. That I’m still breathing. That I have people who love me. That I have a God who has GOT THIS and will CRUSH this beast.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Joy comes in the morning.
If you suffer from depression, I urge you to seek help!!!!!!! Talk to a friend, a pastor, a counselor, your family. Do not suffer in silence and know that there are other people in this world who suffer from this. Reach out. You do not have to face this alone!