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To All The People Who Judge Me As a Bad Parent (letter reposted)

I am posting this letter off of a group I belong to on facebook called Second Chance Adoptions.  The website that you can go to is all comments will be closely monitored and deleted if not appropriate.  I am not asking for your agreement on the issue of disruption, I can just say that I get these parents and I’m thankful for an organization that can stand in the gap and help the families and children who are struggling.  This is the information off of the fb page:

These children in Second Chance are not currently state or foster children, but were originally adopted from either the U.S. foster care or from overseas. They have experienced adjustment problems, and their parents want to help find a new family to adopt them. The new adoption will be done fully legally and recognized by the child’s first state and the new family’s state. A private home study by a state licensed social worker or home study agency will be needed for an adoption of one of these children.

This program is to help parents with a new legal adoption, not a guardianship or conservatorship. All state and federal laws are followed.

A disruption of an adoption is often the result of unknown issues the children bring with them from whatever situation they came from, whether from a foreign country or foster care. Families are often not prepared for the extreme behaviors these children exhibit. We do not condemn these families; we understand their frustrations and feelings of despair.

The Second Chance program was designed to give disrupting families a way to locate a home study approved family and make sure that the adoptions follow state laws and are ICPC approved. Our adoptions are more expensive than the ones people do by independently advertising on the internet because we work hard to find the best homes available for these hurting children and we ensure that all parties’ needs are met.

Second Chance adoptions are Direct Consent adoptions. This means that the placing family has an attorney working with them on the placement and the adopting family also has an attorney working for them. All applicable state laws are adhered to and the ICPC is approved by both states.
Our program has had successful re-adoptions for the last three years. We have the children’s best interests constantly in mind when we work with their disrupting families. Second Chance is a program with a state licensed adoption agency, Wasatch Adoptions, located in Ogden, UT. Wasatch has been licensed as a full service child-placing agency since 1997.

This letter was posted anonymously to this page (Second Chance Adoptions) about a year ago. It deserves to be read again.

It sadly is an honest portrayal of our mission and the hurting families who use it.  This is the picture they use as their heading on their fb page. I do not know the child or the situation. I did not take this picture, but have permission to repost.


<<To All The People Who Judge Me As a Bad Parent,

I have read all the comments on this page and my heart hurts. It hurts for the children, it hurts for the families and it hurts for the people who post nasty comments without understanding. I am a mom of a child who is being disrupted so most of those comments center on how terrible I am as a person and as a mother. People are wishing ill to me and my family, and crying out that the rest of my children be taken away from me. You say that you would never make the choice that I have made and that somehow you know what is better for my child than I do. I have to admit that I too was in your shoes just a few short years ago. I judged others who made the choice to disrupt and I promised to love this child I was adopting forever. What I did not understand at the time is how much it would cost to do this. It has cost me my friends, my family, my job, my life, my marriage and my children. It has cost me everything.

My child means the world to me but they are ripping my family apart from the inside out. No one feels safe and everyone has been abused by this child. You cannot possibly understand how a young child can abuse and manipulate until you have lived in fear with a child like this. It is no longer safe for the child to live in my home because I have other children to think about as well. I have put locks on doors, and locked up kitchen knives, but I still find myself constantly looking behind my back.

I am criticized when I do not let my child play with other children but I know in my heart that I can’t trust my child to play with others because of fear of what they might do. I cannot let my guard down for even a moment because my child may try to hurt themself. It would not be the first time that when they are questioned about what happened, that they tell whoever will listen that I am responsible. I live in constant fear that someone is going to turn me in for child abuse and then I am stuck defending myself against an incredibly cute smile for something I would never do. All I have done is love this child and try to help this child and the only thing that I receive in return is a dirty look from a stranger or a concerned talk from a “friend” about how I parent. I have tried different forms of therapy and discipline and those too usually result in criticism from a bystander. I eventually resulted in not taking my child anywhere in public because I knew that the outbursts would result in judgment and I did not want to subject my other children to their harsh words.

Others have posted comments about biological siblings staying together. In some cases it is not in the best interest of the sibling to remain with the child. They can’t stay together because they will do more damage together than apart and they both deserve a better life. The remaining sibling will not thrive with this child in the picture. For safety and for a hope at a better future, they must be separated, at least for now.

Many have posted that they would never give up their child and do not understand how I could. I assure you that this decision did not come easily. I have spent time, money and energy trying to help my child and my family cope and survive. I honestly feel as if I have exhausted all options and have no other choice. I love my child more than anything and it is because I love them that I must let them go. My child is not thriving in my home and the best thing that I can do for them is to give them a fresh start with a new family. I did not make this decision because my child is adopted vs. biologically mine. I made this decision because it is what is right for my child.

Another source of frustration for many people is saying that the child will be devastated and ruined for life because of the disruption. The sad reality is that this is simply not true. Many of these children are diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and are no more bonded to their parents than to the lady handing out samples at the grocery store. The hard reality is that while we, as parents, love them dearly, they do not (and cannot) love us back. They will likely walk away and not look back for a very long time. It is the first adoptive family that will suffer because we are left grieving the loss of a child who will not grieve the loss of us. Most of us are left to grieve without a support system because our support system has long since abandoned us. We grieve the loss of a child that we love, and the dreams that we had for them and place those dreams in the hands of someone who we hope can help our child make all their dreams come true. The best thing that we can do for them is to let them go. If they stay, then we run the risk of loosing our entire family. If we let them go, we loose a part of ourselves. This is the hardest and most painful decision that I have ever made. My head knows that it is the right thing for my family and my child, but my heart may never catch up.

I also was to say thank you to the families who step up to adopt these kids and give them a fresh start. They give them everything that we wanted to but couldn’t. They give these kids a chance at a real life and a real future and for that I say thank you.

I don’t expect this letter to change your mind about what you think of me and all the other parents, in fact I expect some pretty harsh replies. I do, however, hope that you will come to understand that we do love our children and we just want them to succeed in life. Please pray for our children, pray for their new families and please pray for us. Everyone involved needs love and prayer, not criticism and judgment. Trust me when I say that we are judging ourselves enough as it is.>>

A Very Broken Hearted Mom >>

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