Discouraging Day

Being blah sucks pond water.  I do not enjoy it.  I feel, on days like today, that getting off of my antidepressants was not a good choice.  Then, I rein it in.  The weather has been gloomy, cold and rainy all week…that is enough to drive anyone bonkers.  I have not been able to sit outside to soak up the sun because…there has been no sun 🙁

My scales inched up a pound and that is just not cool with me.  I just don’t get it.  I guess it really is true, the older you get, the harder it is for weight to come off.  I need to focus on my health and that my numbers (cholesterol and blood pressure) are falling while some numbers (my vitamin D) is growing..this is a good thing.  I must keep telling myself that.

I have also not been sleeping.  I take 1/2 an ambien at night to help me fall asleep, but I kid you not, I can be EXHAUSTED and as soon as I take it and hit the pillows…my eyes shoot WIDE open and I’m roaring to go.  It is incredibly irritating.  I finally went to bed at about 3:30 this morning. I go to bed, toss and turn and then I just give up and come downstairs.  We have started a puzzle, so I sit up, eat my cashews, drink my water and work on this blasted puzzle.  By the time 8 am rolls around, I can barely function and I’m already on edge because I hadn’t slept that much.

Gigi is struggling….just with life, I guess.  It blows my mind the things she thinks that she gets away with and when I catch her in something, she is genuinely surprised.  I have been kicking around taking her off of all her meds for the summer.  Just to give her little body a break, but the thought of it scares the bejibbers out of me because I *know* how bad it can be.  Today, I told her, this morning, that if her schoolwork wasn’t done, that privileges (ie going to church tonight..no judgement people) would not happen.  I guess she thought I was joking.  I went to check her schedule and her work and she had done NOTHING.  I mean NOTHING.  She cries, gives me the “poor pitiful me” routine and it just doesn’t work anymore.

I simply told her that as of that moment, I was overcome with love for her and I was not angry.  I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t threaten, I didn’t spank…nothing.  I told her that I was utterly disappointed in her choice and that by her staying home and doing her work was meaning I had to stay home and not be with my friends and soaking up some Jesus (which we all need).  I do not have the luxury of not following through with her.  I have to say what I mean and mean what I say.  She is quietly doing her work, though I’m sure her spirit is yelling.  She will be doing schoolwork well into the summer, but that, again, is not my choice.  I try to give her the same liberties/freedoms as I do the other bigger kids and she just can’t handle that.  On one hand, she wants it, on the other she craves discipline and consistency.

Tomorrow is a new day…full of blessings that the Lord is waiting to pour down on all of us.  I choose to rest in that.  I also got some pretty pictures of some of my azaleas and irises….here is a picture that I like so much, I very well may have to frame 🙂

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