I’m Fine


I have not had my antidepressants in about a week (mother…do not call me and fuss at me, if things get bad, I will go back on them, no problems).  I have been pretty good and I’ve been using my walking or bike riding as an outlet for my inner blech.  It has done good.  I have also simply been sitting outside in the sunshine.  That does wonders for my mind and my soul.

Right now, however, I feel as if I do not get some silence that I could possibly self-combust.  It has been a busy day with schooling for the children, making calls, baseball for 2 kids on 2 different fields at 2 different times, the excessive talking of my 18 year old (which isn’t bad, she is just asking millions of questions I simply do not have the answer too and no matter how many times you ask and no matter how many ways you ask it, I STILL DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS…I wish I did), my daughter with RAD has been REALLY good, but today she has taken a half step back.  This is understandable and doable.  It is way better than it has been and I have to stop and realize that.

I have struggled with depression for as far back as I can remember.  I have only been taking medication since my granny passed away.  The year she met her Jesus was a DIFFICULT year.  One I would NEVER want to relive.  I lost her, I gained 2 children, I lost 2 children and blackness entered my world and it has never left.  I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed.  I am NOT against medication.  I firmly believe that there is NOTHING wrong with it and I’m not ashamed of using them to help me in my dark times (well, my dark and light times).  I have tried to get off of them before, but I still was not in a good place, within my soul, to do this.

Does relying on medication mean I don’t trust Jesus?  Absolutely not.  I love my Jesus.  Anyone who knows me knows that.  I believe that He can heal any ailments.  I also believe that He has equipped me with a brain and with wonderful doctors who know that depression is not a choice.  It isn’t something people wake up and say “today, I’m gonna be depressed.”  I did not choose this path, for myself, but I know that God can allow my depression and my experiences to help someone else.  It will be used for His glory.  I have come to terms with not being healed, this side of heaven. If I am, wonderful…if I’m not, God is still on the throne.

People use antidepressants for situational depression and seasonal depression, as well.  This is common and this means that these people will not be on antidepressants for the long haul.  They are taking them to get through a season.  Never be ashamed of talking to your primary physician and letting them know, that is what they are there for.  They want to help.  I wish my depression were situational or seasonal..mine is all.the.time.

So, I know that this post is all over the place.  Sorry about that.

Let’s recap:  1) I am clinically depressed 2) my parents didn’t cause it 3) seasonal depression and situational depression are different than clinical depression 4) I am trying to wean myself off my medication 5) in lieu of meds, I’m sitting outside, drinking more water, praying, blogging, eating cashews (2 handfuls a day is the equivalent to a 40 mg prozac), I’m walking, I’m verbalizing when I’m ready to scream, and I breathe 6) medication probably saved my life because if I hadn’t been taking it, I would been sitting in heaven right now because of ONE choice 7) if needed or if the above does not work, I will be getting back on my meds with no problem and no regrets.

If you, or someone you know, suffers from depression…please reach out to them.  Help them to have the confidence to seek professional help through a doctors, therapist, or pastor.  Go with them, if necessary.  Be their rock.   Point them to the Lord.  Never tell them to “snap out of it.”  Be an encouragement.  If they have weapons, alcohol, and/or drugs…REMOVE THEM from the house until they are better.  Let’s not let this silent killer take anymore lives.  Reach out!  Love!  Encourage!  Get help!  Get medication!

Okay, I feel better……….I literally feel like an elephant has been lifted.  So the next time I want to scream or hurt someone (ie myself), I will blog….that’s one way to have accountability 🙂

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  • You are more than fine. You are AWESOME. Your faith and resilience are without abound. WOW. You are living for Him and you’re living it. You’re doing it. Outside of your chemistry. Outside of your feelings. Outside of the day’s circumstances with the kiddos, life, etc. You are an INSPIRATION.

    • I wouldn’t dare say I was awesome, but I thank you for the compliment and more importantly, the encouragement. It is needed. Remember, I am not doing anything, it is He, who lives in me, that does it all 🙂

  • And btw I love the name of your blog. It’s the right principle for us to follow. God plants us in so many places — from season to season and sometimes, it seems, from day to day.

    • Eccl. 3:1-9 is my FAVORITE set of verses. To everything, there is a season under heaven. Makes me know that He has got whatever it is that I’m going through because He either allowed it or ordained it. Whichever way, through allowance or ordaining….nothing has happened to me that was not first filtered through His mighty hands!

  • Keep on blogging! It is so healing!

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