Something I normally don’t talk about

After watching this short snippet of a baby, born with severe deformity and only living for 8 hours…my heart is a mess.  What a precious gift children are.  Even on the hard days, like the last few weeks for me, they are still precious.

One thing that I do not talk about often is the loss of my children.  We were blessed, some 8 years ago, with 2 precious children.  They were very sick, when they came to us.  Our daughter, 2, was non verbal and our son, 10 mths had never eaten real food….he had been left in his carseat for so long that his skull formed around it.  We had them for a short time, but the imprint they made on our lives was dramatic.

There were hard hard days because my babies were so sick.  They had ringworm, the flu, severe asthma and I had three other children that I had to take care of.  It was hard to take them to see their birthmom, but I did.  I did everything textbook.  We had plans to adopt these precious babies, but the Lord had other plans for them.

One day, after all of us were recovering from the flu, I got a surprise call that stated that my children’s case went before the judge (these children came from the foster care system).  I was not told about court, so I was not there.  I had just laid my 2 yr. old daughter down for a nap and I was giving my son a breathing treatment when I received the call.  I was told that I had an hour to get their stuff together because they were going back to their birthmom and I was deemed as “unfit” because we had all had the flu.  My heart sank.

Big Daddy was at work and I called his office…I do not remember what I said, but I remember screaming.  I could not form a sentence.  My next memory is of him running in the house and grabbing my children.  What happened next was my living nightmare.  The social worker, who had lied to us, walked up to my door and she ripped my children out of my arms.  They were holding onto my shirt and screaming.  I had to run and lock myself in the bathroom to keep from taking my children and running far far away.

I remember screaming.

I remember unconsolable crying.

I remember blackness.

See, though I did not give birth to these children, I gave my all.  I gave my heart 100% to the love, care and protection of these babies.  My life has never been the same.  As I sit and write about this, though there is so much more to say, my heart feels like it is in my feet and at any moment the dam will break forth and tears will start to flow.  I love these children, with all my heart, mind, and soul.  They will forever be mine.

There are 2 other children, by different birthmoms who had chosen us as adoptive parents.  These were also babies, though not born, were deeply loved by me.  One, I could not tell you whether it was a boy or girl….but the love is the same.  My Jesus is now holding that baby. The other, we named.  I felt, in my heart of hearts this baby was a boy.  We named him Walker.  Due to choices….this baby is also in the arms of Jesus.  We had bought stuff in preparation for bringing them home and in the blink of an eye…they were gone.

I have never suffered a miscarriage.  I have had 3 successful pregnancies.  I am blessed.  I have, however, suffered the loss of four children and my heart aches for those who have wiped noses, butts, and tears…have loved their children, and lost them to disease, choices of others or tragedy.

My heart aches for the Olsson family, for the Walker family, for the Bailey family, for the Burkey, for the Lockett family, for the Bradley family, for the Thompson family, for the Miller family…..for those who have loved so deeply and lost a child…..may the Lord continue to hold you in His favor and bless you.  May you all have the peace that surpasses all understanding and know that your babies are sitting on the lap of their eternal Father.  His is singing them lullabies.  One day, we will all see our babies, playing together and dancing with the angels…they are waiting for us and soon our families will be whole.  For now, we love, we cherish, we cry, we mourn, we comfort.

God be with you all.

For my Shay and Tay… will never be forgotten.  You are always prayed for and my hope is that a lovely family has adopted you.

For my Walker and baby…… day, we will all be reunited.

*Sigh*….today the hurt is overwhelming, but I know that Joy comes in the Morning Ps. 30:5


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