Falsehoods and Truth of Adoption
Let me start off by saying that ADOPTION is a beautiful thing! It has been a desire of mine since I was a child and the Lord saw fit to bring this desire to fruition.
There are several things that people do not tell you about adoption that I wish I had known, way back when…but it still would not have turned me against adding to my family through our domestic and international adoption. I just believe that I would have been better prepared.
- You will automatically love this child.
I wish this were true but there are times when that connection is just not there and love is a CHOICE and not a FEELING. There are times when adoptive mamas go through post-adoption depression just like mamas who give birth can struggle with postpartum depression. It is tough. If you feel like you are struggling. If you are wanting to sleep all the time. If your emotions are all over the place. If you are struggling with loving this child. Please, seek help. There is no shame in talking to a doctor or a therapist. There is no shame if you need medication to get through this emotional hump. You are still a good mama. Relax. Breathe. Trust the Lord. Ask for help.
- It will be an easy transition into your family.
Any adoptive parent will tell you that this is a lie lie lie. I will say that it was much easier with Little Man then it was with Gigi and Catfish. There is a honeymoon period. It can last for days (or hours) or months. When it is over, it is over….that is when real bonding begins.
- You have to be rich to adopt.
With the help of friends, family, yard sales, craft shows, grants….you can adopt. You do not have to be rich. In the case of foster care adoption, there is no cost to adopt a child from the foster system and the need is great!
- You will love this child(ren) differently because this child “did not come from your body.”
Again, it does not take birthing a baby to be a mom. It takes the next lifetime to be a mom. I love ALL of my kids DIFFERENTLY. I do not love them the same. I do not love one more than another….I just love them differently whether they are grown under the heart or in it.
- It is easy to adopt
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..uhm….no. International, domestic, private, family, foster care….adoption is A LOT of hard work. A lot of dedication, a lot of paperwork, a lot of tears, and a lot of emotions. Those who tell you differently are on medication.
- All children in foster care have some kind of physical, mental or emotional handicap; that’s why
they are classified as “special needs.”
Special needs can include several different types of kids. Children who are of a different race are special needs. Children over 3 are special needs. Sibling groups are special needs. Boys can be considered special needs just because they are boys. There can be mental or physical needs, as well….but my son, adopted at the age of 4 was special needs because he was black, a boy, and over the age of 2. He is perfectly fine. My other 2 children are considered special needs because they are a sibling group. There are additional needs from those 2 kids, but by in far they are just fine.
- Natural parents do not care about the babies they surrender to adoption
My son’s mother loves him. My children’s mother loves them. They love in their own way. They were relinquished for different reasons. Both mom’s wanted a better life for their children.
- The infant does not experience her separation from her mother
There are implicit memories (from birth to 3) and explicit memories (from 3 on). Whether a child can verbalize or physically remember or not, they will always have those memories. That loss and grief will always be there. Regardless of age.
- The adoptive family will be the only family the adoptive child will know
Uhm, again…no….These kids will always wonder where they came from and what their story was. Do all you can to find out for their benefit…even the hard stuff.
- Your identity is tied to the adoptive family and not your past
An adoptive child’s identity is founded in their heritage and their past. They adapt and learn new ways, but the their past is a huge part of who they are.
- Adoptive families make up for a child’s loss
Again, that loss and grief will always be present. It should be talked about and openness needs to be encouraged. A child should never be afraid to talk to a parent about their hurts, fears, and confusion. It does not mean they do not love you. They just want to know.
- The adoptive child never thinks about their biological family
Yes, they do…all the time. They just very well may be afraid to verbalize for fear of hurting their adoptive parents.
- You should sugarcoat the truth to make it easier on the adopted child
Nope. This information should be sought after, if you can. It should be delivered in 100% truth as the child can understand and their complete past, what you know, should be completely told to a child by the age of 12.
- Adoption damages a child
I don’t believe it does. My children, though here for different circumstances by their biological families, know they are loved and they are safe. They also know that their families loved them the only way that that could.
- Adoption means waiting years for a child
I waiting for a year for 2 of my children. It took 2 years for my other child. It all depends on what you are open too. The more open you are to a child of God, the sooner it could be a reality. If you are tied down to a newborn, blonde hair, blue eyed little girl…your wait time will be longer.
- Children must be placed with same race famililes in order to thrive
We are a trans-racial family. We keep his heritage alive by listening to music, reading books, having pictures, things from his country and we try to get together with fellow adoptive families from Ethiopia. We do the best we can knowing full well that we can never replace a first hand experience he would have had had he stayed with his biological family.
- Single people or people over 40 cannot adopt
Not true and not true 🙂 Age does not matter. I say if the Lord is calling you…be obedient. You won’t be sorry.
James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
Matthew 18:5 “And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.
If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to ask and I will address them.