Friendships come and go like the ebbs and flows of an ocean’s tide. One of my favorite verses of Scripture is
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.” (Eccl. 3:1-8)
This past year, the Lord has done many things in my life. One thing that He has had his hand on is my friendships. I don’t have time for daily chitchat and long phone conversations. I can’t just pick up and meet people for lunch at a whim. Everything I do is calculated because of the tremendous load that is held within the 4 walls of my home. I’m not complaining, by any means, I’m just stating a fact.
Many years ago, I had deep friendships with several women. These friendships took over my life and they replaced the relationships that I had with my husband and my Lord. I turned to these women for comfort or for advice before taking it to the throne. I remember praying a specific prayer, that year, that I wanted the Lord to take out what He has not intended and replace it with what He wants. One by one my friendships fell away until I was left standing alone. I felt alone and abandoned. Here I was with three little kids, a husband that got on my nerves and no one to talk too. It took a while for me to understand but as he took away those friendships, He chose to give my a love for my husband that I had not had before. He became my friend…my very best friend. My walk was better, my marriage was better. I then decided that I didn’t need any women friends. I had the Lord and my husband. I was good.
The Lord had other plans.
My brain can only hold so much drama/info/fact/remedy/knowledge and then when one more thing gets added….it shuts down completely.I am no longer responding as an adult, but a glazed over traumatized woman who pats her loved ones a little too hard and can sometimes be found in the corner rocking in a fetal position. I love my kids…I love them so very much….but they can also suck the life blood *right* out of me. When Big Daddy and I started our little family 18 yrs ago, we were clearly NOT thinking about our future. We were thinking of the cuteness of having all these little people around us. Now, the little people are teenagers and good glory, they can drive me bonkers. Simply bonkers.
So, because I am clearly crazy, I realize I am not a good friend material. I don’t send Christmas cards, birthday cards, or make phone calls daily (or weekly). Unless you are my mama or my sister, I will see you and talk to you either when I’ve got my kids out of the house or when Jesus comes and we are in Heaven together.
That being said….the Lord is changing my heart. I hold those I love very close and I’m very protective of those people. I trust little and when that trust is broken, it is a struggle to trust again. Sad, yes…truth, yes. I let very few people into my “space” and as I was told MANY years ago by a dear friend (whom I love…Glenda) “you stick your arm all the way out and you let people stand at the fingertip and that is as far as you let them go…why is that?” I don’t know why that is. I guess it is just a protective thing for myself. I don’t know. It isn’t my intentions, it just happens.
This year the Lord has taken a broken friendship and He has healed it and created a whole new dynamic. He has picked up a friendship and blown the dust off of it. He has brought a friend into my life that has/is walking the same path I am in many aspects. He has given my husband a friend that is like minded and is just trying to “do life” the best that he can for himself and his family. I am so thankful for the women that He has blessed me with. They have sat with me in a hospital room until midnight…piled up in bed with me when I am sick bringing me coke….listened to my heartaches and joys at DQ…and loved me regardless of what I say or do. don’t have to have long phone conversations or feel obligated to do/say something. It is what it is. It is freeing and honest. It is raw and there is no drama. It is a give/take relationship on all ends. He is providing me with a family by choice and not by blood….for that I am grateful.
I will enjoy this season for as long as the Lord allows…..
For now, Pammy and Melissa are Suiting Up with me for my 41st birthday!