The Storms of Life

Honesty?

There are days when I do not desire to get out of bed.

Honesty?

Today, I did not get out of bed.

Honesty?

I struggle with the storms of life.

Honesty?

I’m tired of “being refined.”

Honesty?

I know this is a part of my walk with Christ.

Honesty?

I hurt.  I cry.  I hide.

Honesty?

The Lord is my Refuge and my Strength.

These are things that I know.  It has been a stressful time in my life.  Stress, in me, manifests in many different ways.  I can have chronic headaches, not sleep, gain weight, break out in an unwelcome acne fest, my hair falls out, my OCD kicks into high gear, I don’t get out of the house, I cocoon myself and ostracize myself from anyone and everything, or I get really really sick….for long periods of time.

Now, all these things do not usually happen at one time, but sometimes, they do.  I need to find a better way to handle my stress.  I know that I need to hand these things over to God.  I can honestly say I try, but trying is not always succeeding.  Today, I did not succeed.

Today, I hid.

Today, I put my head under the covers and refused to come out.

I used to think that life always seemed greener on the other side of that fence.  Let me just tell you, yes, life is generally greener on the other side, until you get there.  Once you have jumped over the fence and run as far as you can go….the world escapes you.  You.  Are.  Free.  You are in the lush, beautiful, thick, green grass….the wind is whipping through your hair and you are screaming “Free at last!”

That is what I wanted to be.  I wanted to be free, at last.  I wanted free from the storms, pain, and uncertainty of life.

Then, you stop running and you are standing in the middle of this field with all the troubles of the world far behind on *your* side of the fence.

You breathe in that fresh air and freedom.

You begin to notice an odor.

You look down and you are standing in backed up sewage.

You are running through someone else’s poop.

You are now standing in a pile of crap.  Crap.  Sheer crap.

What you saw as beautiful and free was a trap.  A trap o crap.

I guess my trap was the illusion that things were good.  I’m past that horrendous trial of our adoption.  My children with RAD are getting some better.  My life was “even-ing” out.

I was deceived.

I stopped seeking and was satisfied.

I was content.

Then the Lord said “oh, not so fast my pretty little friend.” and BAM trial number 5098789037.

He will guide me.  I will survive.  I will be stronger.  Though the enemy looks to devour me, he will never succeed because my God is on my side.

This I know.

But I still choose, just for today, to hide.

Tomorrow, I will be better.

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