They fill the air, so thick, sometimes, I can’t breathe. I’m not an “emotional” person in the regards of letting it all out. I’m more of a stuff down till it is coming out of my hair follicles. I don’t like that about myself. I wish I could properly “expel” emotions without being over the top or stuffing my feelings.
I have prayed today, a lot. Just for God to be the Leader of my time, my moments and to keep me calm in all aspects of my crazy life. I feel overwhelmed and then I have the gentle reminder that I am not in control, He is. That I CHOOSE to dominate my life with “to-do” list when that might not be what He has planned for me. It is sad to think that I try and find my fulfillment in scheduling my life when my fulfillment should only come from Him and Him alone.
Maybe it is me getting older…realizing that this life is just a mist, to the Lord. My kids are getting older and less dependent on me, that is hard, so I “busy” myself…to try and keep from realizing these things.
I have a friend whose daughters legs were taken from her. Her quality of life and her norm has changed. It hurts me to the core. I have a friend that the Lord chose to take her daughter early. I have family and friends who have battled/battling cancer. Friends whose marriages are falling apart or have fallen apart. I close my eyes and see those whose lives I have touched, physically, and know that they may not be alive today due to things like malnutrition, dirty water, common colds…..I remember when I was younger thinking, I don’t want the Lord to come back. I was frightened of that because I wanted a “life”. I wanted marriage, children, grandchildren…..my world was so much simpler. I see now, the sin of this world. The hurt, the pain and I yearn for Him to come back. I wonder what life will be like….where there is no darkness, no pain and I simply just “am” to bring Him glory….what will it be like? It still frightens me because of the unknown, but it also excites me. I pray that all my children will be with me. I am blessed that my husband walks with the Lord and 4 out of 6 children know Him as their personal Saviour.
The trials of today have been hard. The hurt that permeates through my house is like a pulse. The unknown of my husband not working, no paychecks, lost wallet, bills, choices that we have made. I know that my Lord is in control. I know He loves me and that He has everything under control. He has plans to prosper and not to harm and His ways are higher than mine. I have reminded myself of these truths a lot today. I will not stand and let the evil one come and steal my joy or rob me of the truths that I know. He will not win. I have read the last page of this “novel of life” and guess what..the Lord WINS the battle and the war. I need not be afraid. I simply need to trust.