of Church, Chinese food, naps, and a study on the Song of Solomon.... In lieu…
An ear full and some stiffled tears
I hate crying…even more than me hating to cry is crying in front of people. I’d rather stick pins in my eyes then do that. When emotions run high, though, it is inevitable that something has to give and sometimes that something is tears.
I have been going back and forth, in my mind, about the events of yesterday and how I reacted. Sad to say, the person delivering the message didn’t see my face because, true to my nature, I excused myself to “take a walk” around, to get some fresh air and some perspective. I did that, a couple of times. I regained my composure enough to get myself home. Once home, I locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the toilet and cried. I grieve over what my daughter with RAD is and what she may become, as she gets older. How our relationship is now and how it might be, years from now. If there even is a relationship years from now. The future scares me, her future scares me.
What I do, when I’m down, is pray my sister is up and awake. She is old, therefore she goes to sleep at dusk 😉 (love you T). I’m so thankful for her “scary calm voice” and the great voice of reason that she can be. She isn’t perfect, she has her flaws, but she is my person and I’m so thankful my person answered the phone and allowed me to vent. I even used ugly words and she didn’t tell me to stop. I deal with emotions in a certain way. I bottle it up till I explode. She let me explode, in her ear and her response is that she will pray for me to have peace, to realize the ignorance of those who chose to judge with the mask of “concern” and to not get in the flesh and beat the tar out of anyone LOL. It is what it is. My thoughts, before you throw your concern around, educate yourself first on the subject. If you choose not to educate yourself, then keep your thoughts, opinions and concerns to yourself. I’m still a bit angry (a lot angry). I’ll get over it.
I took G to her appointment today. When she walked out of the office, she had that “grin”. That grin says it all. It says “I have this lady snowed and she will yield and believe everything I say.” I’ve seen that grin many many times. I was able to meet with the therapist, alone, and I told her that my inability to trust, that time will tell if this therapy match, between G and Sue, will work. I told her of the “grin” and she stated simply that G was a charmer, and A+ manipulator and she may think that G snowed her, but she didn’t. She saw right through her and the therapist could point blank tell me that I AM NOT CRAZY. I seriously could’ve kissed that woman on the lips. We sat, we talked, I sucked back tears. Not only was she amazing and sensitive (and could see through the array of bullcrap that G pulls), I had an email from a friend who has lived through what G is going through. She has offered prayers, perspective and she will keep our conversations between ourselves. She is a Godly woman who is on the other side. She gives me hope that G can have a future.
I will not walk through the halls of places carrying around a disclaimer on my daughter and why she is the way she is and why I parent the way I parent. She is not to be explained away. Her story is not mine to tell and though she is DIFFICULT, it is HER story. It is not anyone’s business and though she is young, she deserves privacy. What I share on my blog, she is aware of. It is my place to vent, cry, laugh and rejoice. It is mostly for family and friends and to save time (and to not be on the phone constantly), this is how I get my peace out and what I want others to know.
How great is our God to allow this crap to happen, yet He placed in my life a sister who never fails me, a husband who lets me rant, a therapist who sees through the smoke and a friend who can help me on a level that no one else can. I’m irritated. I want to physically hurt people. I want to yell and scream like a school girl. Yet, again, I choose to stand on Exodus 14:14….The Lord will fight your battles…I simply have to be silent (paraphrased of course).