Happy Happy New Year!!! I’m SO happy to see you. The last couple of years have been….challenging….that is one word, I can say a few more, but due to the fact that I must be careful of what I say, I choose to say “challenging”.
It has been a couple of years of lots of pain, lots of trials and lots of searching. Searching for the truth. Trying to believe what I’ve been taught and have learned throughout my life, as a Christian. I can now, with no uncertainty, say I know what it means to have faith the size of a mustard seed.
An Explanation of our Journey
I was asked to explain, one day, in Sunday School, the journey that I have taken with our adoption. My pastor (also my Sunday School teacher) asked if I could verbalize the highs and lows. I’m one to stifle emotion, the best I can. I have always felt that crying was a sign of weakness (thanks daddy for the policeman mentality). That it is better to keep things to myself rather than “share.” Honestly, I’m not a share-r.
My Black Sunshine
I was sitting, in class, next to my black sunshine. At that moment, I could feel the emotion coming up from my toes. I looked at Big Daddy and I knew that I was fixing to lose my composure. He touched my hand. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye, but I looked at my son. My highs, the child sitting next to me, hands down.
My lows. I tried to explain it this way, in my head, it made lots more sense. Honestly, I’m not sure how it came out of my mouth. Simply I stated that had it not been for my husband, sisters, and mama. Also, those who prayed for me diligently and the love of my children. Oh, let’s not forget the knowledge and love of my God that I would not be sitting in that chair, at that moment. Period, the end. That is hard to admit.
I guess I didn’t realize how low my lows were and how much they affected every aspect of my life. I do know, however, from hearing other people explain my disposition, that I wasn’t very good. That saddens me. I know my strength is found in the Lord, but I didn’t really know where my Lord was. I thought He had left me, but then there would be a glimpse of His presence and of Him working. That small glimpse, of Him, kept me going, even just the shell of me. I could get out of bed and function.
Wisdom of a 13 Yr Old
I now know that He didn’t go anywhere. It was me that went. I veered from His path and I learned that that is not the path I want to go down. It was very dark and lonesome. It was hard and dry. A very very sad place to dwell. I let life pass me by. Sadly, I let my kids pass me by.
Truth be told, I worked on autopilot…just enough to get by. I would hear Peach say “mom, you don’t smile anymore.” That cut me to the core, but I understood what she was saying. For a long while, I had lost my smile and I didn’t know where it was. I would get voice messages and texts from Peach (who is 13) that stated “claim it, mom…believe it. It will happen.” The strength of a child carried me.
Guilt on Good Days
Also, on this journey, I found myself feeling guilty for having a good day. I felt like I needed to stay in the pit of despair over our journey and to have a good day, I was somehow slighting Abinet. What a lie from the pit of hell. Wow, the fact that I fell for that, wow… As my sister pointed out, his life has not changed one bit.
He gets up, he eats, he plays, he naps, he eats more and then he goes to bed. This was his life. He now know different. I do because I’ve been to his country and then I’ve been home… 2-way different places and I knew what he was missing, but he didn’t. He was happy, healthy, loved and well taken care of. I’m very very thankful for that.
Loving Through Pictures
Another “low” and “high”, at the same time, was getting pictures of him. I loved seeing him, but I didn’t like seeing him grow up through pictures. Seeing bumps, bruises, scars, rashes, tears, laughter, joy, happiness, I was missing all of that. Sadly, I missed him losing his first 2 teeth. I missed a very long time because of the choice to follow self instead of allowing God to do His will. There were many moments I interjected my will. It was the natural consequence to me being selfish.
I have praised His Name, every day, for allowing Abinet to be in our home. I praise Him for the easy transition. Also, for the love that he shows us and for being able to love him freely. I thank Him for being healthy and funny. For eating and sleeping, for simply breathing and being. He completes our family and why the Lord allowed us to wait for 22 mths, is beyond me.
Why every single thing that could go wrong, went wrong. He has a reason, He has a purpose and His ways are higher than mine. I may never know, this side of Heaven why this all happened. By the time I get to Heaven, I won’t care. Right now, I sit in joy, I sit in peace, I sit with a smile on my face to have all my children under one roof.
So Much To Learn
I still have so much to learn and I’m anxious to learn it. I’m anxious to see what tomorrow brings and what this new year brings and then I’m reminded of this verse that pierced my heart so many years ago.
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phil. 4:6
So, here’s to the new year and being anxious for nothing.