Being nice is so hard to do sometimes

I have received an email from my kids birthmom.  She wants to see “her kids” and she wants to give “her kids” gifts and she “loves her kids” so much.

I have tried to explain to her, via email, that at this time (10 & 7), the kids really don’t need to go and see her.  Big Daddy and I feel like they are too young and the scars are still too fresh for a visit.  It has been almost 5 yrs.  She has emailed maybe twice in that time.  Each time, I get the same requests.

Before, I have been nice and today, I was hopefully nice, but I was very to the point.  I called.  I did, I called her.  I had no intention of calling her and I did.  She seemed surprised that I called, which she should be and she was hesitant to say that I was the kids mother to whomever was with her.  I understand that, as well.  It is hard to explain to someone, that you lost your kids and then the bombarding of questions that usually follow.  I know, I’ve lost 2 children that we were going to adopt….it is hard.

She asked general questions about how they were and how they were doing, in school.  She wanted to know what they were “in too” and asked if she could give them a gift.  I explained that they didn’t need anything, but if she wanted too, she could buy them something small and we could arrange for me to meet her and I would pick them up.

Then, it happened….I let it out.  I told her about the PTSD and the RAD.  I told her of the struggles and the demons that Gigi deals with.  She seemed sympathetic, but didn’t understand that the anger was aimed at her, as much as the actually abuser.  She denied EVERYTHING.  Stated that she did nothing wrong and if she had been present during the abuse, that she would’ve stopped it.  

Uhmmm….I told her that since I wasn’t there, that I could only walk through what was written down in her book (ie the birthmom’s testimony over the last 3 yrs and every other person that testified to the same thing stating that she was, indeed, present during the abuse by the abuser).  It didn’t seem to “stick”.  I really really wanted to say a whole lot more, but refrained.  I simply got off the phone.  Maybe that was a mistake, in calling, but I do have a heart and I do know how it feels to lose children and I do know how it feels to be away from them for an extended period of time.

I can never take away the fact that she is their biological mother.  I never want to do that.  I want, someday, for forgiveness to pass through us all and for the children to move on without fear.  I do want them to remember the good times, though my son doesn’t remember her, at all. I don’t my daughter to focus on the bad, but I can’t erase the memories.  I can’t make the scars go away.  They will always be there.  

My simple prayer is for birthmom to move on and have a successful, productive life.  I pray for my children to heal from the abuse and neglect.  I pray for forgiveness to permeate our family and I will remain thankful that justice, though small, was served.  

Loss and grief will always be a part of our lives.  It is part of the foster care system.  It is part of adoption through foster care.  No matter how old the child/ren are when they come into your home.  It is a part of life and a part of what we deal with, on a daily basis.

It is hard.  Everyday is hard.


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