There are Days Though when I would rather raise a boatload of boys than raise…
It’s been a few days
since my last post. I’ve been so busy at work that I have little time when I’m at home. The busiest time of the year is coming up and work has been a madhouse. There have been many many customers (some nice some not), there have been many employees vomiting (some pregnant some not), there have been many call offs from employees (some legitimate, some not), there has been tension at home some days and some days there has been nothing but niceness.
I’m tired more days than not. I miss my boy more than words can say. I had a “comin’ to Jesus” meeting with Jesus, Himself, yesterday on the way to work. I realized that I had a lot of anger and unforgiveness on my heart. That, in itself, has made me very temperamental. I always think that I don’t have an issue with anger and unforgiveness because I’ve forgiven a lot of people who have done really really bad things to me. I didn’t realize, however, that in a little room, in my heart, there I had stacked lots and lots of hurt feelings towards people in my life. I have been hurt by person 1, I stored that hurt in my heart. I have been hurt by person 2, stored that in my heart. It came to a head, as I was going to work.
I forgave many people, but most of all, I forgave God. I have been so angry with Him because of our adoption and how things were “not” progressing. I have no reason to be angry with God. He is all knowing and He has a reason and a purpose. I know that, in my head…my heart has been singing a different tune. He already knew that I was angry with Him and He has been patient with me, allowing me to waller in my anger until enough was enough. Yesterday, He had had enough.
I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of me. For the people, who have said mean things to me, I have forgiven. For the people at work who are less than thrilled of my new position, I have forgiven. For my Heavenly Father, I have forgiven.
Forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It is about my healing and doing as my Father has done for me. He gave His Son for me and my sins. He forgave me, He owns me, He loves me. He is Abinet’s Protector. He loves him far more than I could ever love him. I miss him…I want him home. I have to keep reminding myself that God isn’t done yet with this process. He is holding back for a reason. I may never know that reason, but I do know that it is done with love and for a purpose.