Okay, so I have a 20% discount at work (YAY ME) and that coupled with a 30% off coupon and clearance items equals a huge YAY YAY YAY.
So, on my lunch break, I decide to shop. I randomly walk around the store thinking “where are all those cute things that I sell that is $1.97?” Eventually, throughout my time, I find a cute cute pair of pants. They are khaki pants that can either be rolled down or used as capris. Cute. I buy the size I normally wear (gasp) and don’t try them on…..I loathe trying on clothes and I refuse to buy a size bigger.
I get home, all excited and try them on….they fit, but I can’t breathe or sit. It has a snap closer, so when I do try to breathe, my snap pops 😦
In the quest for cuteness, I decide this morning, that I will wear those pants. I anxiously rip the tags off and contemplate how I’m going to function for the next 8 hrs in these too tight pants. I chose a shirt that covers my gut and so if the snap blows, then I can discreetly snap them back (if you count sucking it up and turning blue to get them to snap).
I’m so excited, though, because I remembered I had fake spanks, deep down in my drawer. Here lies the answer. I lay on the bed and shimmy them up, thinking I’m gonna die and there will be no way I will be able to go to the bathroom. I pull them all the way up and then I proceed to put on my new pants. They fit, comfortably! Yippee! I think I look quite stylin’ as I load up the kids and head to work.
Throughout the day, I bend, lift and move…a lot…fake spanks aren’t quite built for that and at one point, I notice the back of my spanks (I walked past a mirrored column at work) and there was a HUGE fat roll on the back because the back of my spanks was rolling south. I thought I was still safe because the front was still up….then….I squatted. Big Big mistake. In one instant, my fake spanks rolled under my fat roll and there was no easy way to “lift” them back up without going to the bathroom (which I couldn’t do because I was training a new kid and he can’t be left alone) or hide in the stock room.
I thought I’d be okay, even though it was incredibly uncomfortable for me, until I realized that my pants were starting to give way. I quickly got someone to cover me and rushed to the bathroom. It took an Act.Of.Congress to get out of the spanks and then to roll them back up over my fat roll. I got everything back up and headed back out to the floor. I felt pretty good cause the back roll was gone and the front was way up over my fat roll.
Did you know once you “stretch” out elastic, it is never the same? I didn’t…..I quickly learned that fact because within 10 minutes, my fake spanks was headin’ south and then there was a POP and out came the fat roll. I was very thankful to be clocking out and heading home. I can handle anything for 40 minutes.
I rush in, grab my sweet Big Daddy and tell him I need him upstairs. It sparks an interest in him and he rushes upstairs. By the time I got there, I was standing in the bedroom with my fake spanks sucking the life out of me and sticking to my person. I beg him to help me get out of this contraption. I felt like Miss Scarlett, in Gone With the Wind, when Mammie is tightening her corset (although I’d make 4 of Miss Scarlett). He got so tickled because it was *so* hard to peel off my body. By the time it was over, I rushed to the bathroom. Big Daddy asked why I was in such a hurry and I tried to explain to him that I hadn’t had the privilege of using the bathroom because of my need to wear the cute pants.
I guess it is time to do the Fat Smash diet again or to simply eat better. I don’t want to be skinny, I just want to be able to breathe in cute, incredibly cheap, pants…………
Tomorrow, I’m wearing elastic.