Trying Hard is the story of my life. I got word that there would be some…
Control Freaks Anonymous
Control Freaks Anonymous, I have arrived. Okay, okay…I’m a recovering yeller. I’ve gone through the classes, I have my certificate, my t-shirt, and I still contact my sponsor. Sadly, I’ve been standing at the doorstep of a new class, Control Freak Anonymous. I like things the way I like them and I want them when I want them. Period. The. End. Who knew that it was a Pass/Fail class.
When you pray for God to reveal your vices, you don’t expect Him to hold your hand and walk you through adoption…not once…but twice. You’d think I would’ve passed my class when I was “in the process” of adopting my 2 little ones. It took 3 yrs. 3 long long long years of court, paper mess ups, threats, therapy, etc etc etc. Apparently, I failed that class. No certificate, no shirt, no sponsor.
So, fast forward another year (after that adoption is final) and here we are again, walking down the road of international adoption. My dreams were fulfilled, one child at a time. Again, I’m in the control freak class and for the first 4 months…I was failing miserably. Bit by bit, situation by situation, paper by paper…….I’m trying to learn from my mistakes, I’m trying to let go of my issues, I’m trying to allow God to do what He does best. Not control me, but lead me, guide me, love me, direct me.
The past month, I’ve experienced one of my worst nightmares. I’ve come to realize that I can be alone and it is okay. I am learning the house won’t fall apart. Sadly, I’ve lost trust in a trusted person. Realistically, I’m financially strapped, but still trying to raise money to bring my little guy home. To add to my fun, my dishwasher exploded. The insurance companies won’t do what they are *supposed* to do. Sadly, my floors ruined, my dishwasher broke, my washing machine broke and I’ve felt so displaced in my life.
I’ve realized, now looking back, that:
My worst nightmare: was horrible, but forgiveness has to take place and I know that God will use this according to His glory and His purpose.
I can be alone and the house not fall apart: My husband is a very capable man and father, praise be to God. I have great kids, too 🙂
Lost trust in someone I trust: That’s been hard, it has hurt, but again, forgiveness *has* to take place.
Finances: Be good stewards of what God has given us and He will bless us beyond reason.
My sweet boy: He will come home in God’s time, not mine.
Dishwasher: fixed, the floor still undone, estimate done, waiting…just waiting.
Feeling displaced: It is me being refined…..boy does it hurt, sometimes.
Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22 (AMP)