RAD: A post from my old blog

This has undoubtly been the hardest year, parenting wise that I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been through alot with my other kids, but G takes the cake, runs a mile down the road with it, shoves it down her throat, then runs back home to tell us that she doesn’t know where the cake is…..while the chocolate is down her shirt and on her face. She does all of this with a sadistic smile on her face that has been described to me, by a teacher, as evil.

It is hard to have people come up to me and tell me how great G is and how bright she is and how lucky we are to have her to raise because she is “one of the few” normal children from the foster care system. It is hard for me not to open my mouth and spew forth all the crap that I deal with on a daily basis. If I do say something, out of the ordinary for this precious, perfect child, then I am looked at like I have 3 heads. They don’t see it, they don’t understand it.

I am tired.

I have not found a good discipline to use with her….nothing works. Take away toys, she is willing to give them away; take away movie privileges, she will sit in the hall or her room and sing at the top of her lungs; deny her dessert for supper and it isn’t a problem; time out, no problem…she sits in there and sings sings sings. She has no play skills, so no toys hold any value for her. She likes what she likes and that is being someone that she is not. Her “bent” is singing and drama. Where we live, we are limited, but so often, she gets that privilege taken away because of her behaviour.

God is my refuge and my strength.

I get so tired of hearing “send her back”, “spank her”, “ignore her behaviour”…I get lots of uninvited parenting advice from experts on my child when they have A) never been around her; B) only seen her at her honeymoon stage; C) have no children with no disabilities. I’ve never spoken to a mom of a RAD kid….never. I have scoured the internet, I have cried and I have prayed. This is my trial. I am to give joy to God for allowing him to refine me and grow my fruit. There are days when I want to throw my fruit back at him. Today is that day.

God is my provider in times of need.

We have struggled with G since moving, 3 weeks ago. Her therapist is no help, her SW doesn’t know what to do, my
R & C worker thinks we should send her to respite (a “babysitter” of sorts) provider. I don’t feel at peace with that because RAD kids tend to “overexaggerate” any and everything and there is no telling what would come out of her mouth. That and whatever progress we made is typically lost when she is away from the structure of home.

I want to love her. I want to give her my whole heart. I just don’t know if I have what it takes anymore.

7 thoughts on “RAD: A post from my old blog”

  1. So glad to see this reposted. 🙂

    I too, am a parent to a RAD child. She was adopted at age 5, is now 9. We homeschool her because she is a beautiful child and that makes it easy for her to manipulate the teachers.

    In our home, she is the middle child. We have 2 grown children, ages 27 and 23, both married and successful. We are guardians to a 14 year old with special needs. We’ll
    call our Rad kid “Song” is next at age 9. We have adopted Song’s bio cousin age 6, and have a 6 year old foster daughter.

    I can relate to your struggles. Life is hectic, stressful sometimes but always rewarding. I will be checking in on you often. Thanks for emailing your new site.


    1. My bio children are 13, 11 and 8. We’ve had G and Catfish for 2 1/2 yrs and they were recently adopted, just this year. I have also decided to homeschool her because ………. well……….the manipulation is just rampant.

      Nice to know there are others out there, who understand what I deal with on a daily basis.

  2. Hi sweetie! Even though I’ve been absent, please know I pray for you. It’s all I can do, since I haven’t a clue as to how to help. Even on their worst days together, I know my two don’t come close. Love ya!

  3. Song returned after 4 days at a camp where she was supposed to have increased supervision as per her therapist conversation with the director.

    I find out the supervision was teenagers; Song at age 9 was very popular with the boys, AND she punched one in the stomach after she wanted to hang out with a different boy and the first boy kept following her around. The director almost did the right thing, but Song says “the boys didn’t want me to get sent home, so they said I could stay because the boys wanted me to stay”.

    I have spent the last week cleaning up the mess they created. Needless to say, Song is going nowhere for quite a while unless I am with her.


  4. I googled RAD and by the grace of our Lord your old blog came up and a link here. This entry made me cry i had to read it to my husband outloud. We adopted 2 children from Ethiopia at 2 different times, and ages.Our daughter,no issues,just like my 2 bio,fits in like a puzzle piece,my son, RAD,Failure to thrive,and the list goes on. I cant even write on my blog all we have been through and going through,I cant even catch up on being behind 6 months on my blog,let along my life.I feel like its been taken.The world in our house is now bryce land,sad for the other 3,and well has taken a toll on us all,and marriage.My prayers are screamed,wispered,written anything everywhere in the car shower walking etc to God on why and what do I do he is 2 (per birth cert) but 4 per bone scan and dental, but he is small,malnurished before,tiny,19lbs,wears size 6-9 months.I get so many comments,stares already as he is black..:) but that he is this small,and of course OH so sweet and quiet and perfect,but they dont see behind the doors, the manipulation,the games,the fits, the head banging, the silent treatment,not eating bec he does not want to or because he wanted this or that and it was a NO, day and days of laying like a infant until I “GIVE IN” what do I do? he was a orphan food does not matter he will not eat or drink until I give him what he wanted and he is sooo SMART he will hold that grudge until he wins, and than LAUGH at me,giggle and in JOY turn his back. I have been spit on,pooped on,thrown up on, food horded and hours later thrown at me. My children have to see this and not be effected? of course, and now having to try and heal them. I do what I think is my calling from God,something that is “not a norm” in my family, adopting, and of a diff race, wow people would say. a year and a half and doctors still cant help, no therapy will make a dent, he just acts like a limp noodle, shows that he cant do this or that or even walk etc but he will for me at home. awww will he be 10 and me still carrying him around and begging him to eat or say a word? we pray today he will run around talk and be normal like the other kids, and than we think wait it might be scary knowing his personality and behaviors, would he be safe?even so young the things he does,shock me,what has he seen?been through?his past?we will never know..and how will he lash out and if he did walk and run, what would he do while we slept?is God not allowing him to do so for reason until a part of him is healed to cope with his surroundings? ok I am rambling, but GOSH someone that just wrote a comment that blew me away and the post before on the site and what people responded saying, OH!
    God Sent me Bryce for a reason, I know it. When I adopted these 2 children I did not get a discount,expect special treatment, I dont like attention etc,I never checked the box for special needs, or will you take a child with this this this this.. NONE OF THIS.. and so to get medical reports monthly and pictures and than to go and pick him up and he is legally yours, what do you do?2 hrs to wake a child up,us getting the us embassy to come because we didnt know what to do?my life has been flipped,i need to change my blogs old name of couture to confussed ha ha.. I have physically aged 10yrs,I dont look the same, cant act the same, Feel like I cant even give the other 3 all my love and attention bec I am spending hrs to get bryce to eat or drink or this appt or that.. its so draining, and the answers? nobody knows.
    I pray God will shine his glory and light down and heal us all mentally physically and give me strength again,I am a good mommy,I really am,I am just tired, and lost and dont know the answers and what do to as I have a spaced out child that loved and hugs and kisses and is happy in public for his show and at home shuts down and screams and throws fits and acts like someone is murdering him..its something out of a book…one day the reason why he was placed with us will be shown and i hope peace will be able to be found within…much thought to you and love to your family. please email if you have a chance any advice,dicipline? what do I do?what is the best therapy you have gotten that seems to work? thanks Leah 🙂

  5. ((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))))

    Funny you should comment on this….we are adopting from Ethiopia, as well 🙂 We have a lot in common.

    I feel your pain…I don’t just read it, I feel it deep in my bones. It is such a struggle to remember to breathe in and out everyday and to know that God has a plan and a purpose, not to harm us. There are days when I scream my prayers.

    We’ve tried many things. ADD meds are working, some. There are some meds for PTSD, which I would assume that your son may have (amongst all the rest of the alphabet). Sometimes, those meds have a good outcome on RAD.

    Today, Catfish (boy #5) decided to push our RAD-dy off the trampoline. Well, wounded bird comes out and she acts as if something is broken (she was with friends), so friend freaking out, rushes her off to her husband (our doctor). I walk in, knowing that I was right about her just acting for attention (yet thinking maybe this is the time that I’m wrong) and there she sits, just fine, till the dr. walks in and then drama. It is exhausting. Simply and utterly exhausting. I find myself telling her, more times than not, just DON’T SPEAK. If you don’t speak, it may may it better.

    If you pediatrician isn’t listening to you……FIND ANOTHER ONE! Look till you can’t look any longer. There is someone that will listen to you. Journal for a month and then walk in and hand your dr (in a meeting without your children) that journal and say “fix it”! I’ve been known to do that, hence the reason we are on ADD meds (that will soon be upped).

    Have a moment to yourself (I’m a mother of 6, who homeschools, I know how hard that is), pray, I have some really good books that I’d be glad to send you or refer you to (adopting the hurt child is a great one). Take him to a pediatric pediatrician (similar to the Weisskopf Center in Louisville, KY). You are referred to them, you spend a day with an OT, PT, Psy, Pediatrican and everything in between evaluates your son. By the end of the day, they have a solution. It is worth every dime and ounce of time.

    Know that you are not alone, you are welcome to email me at any time. I’ll be an ear, heart and a prayer away.


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.